"Well, Sh*t.": Figuring Out What You Want Most (Week 14/Day 100 (!!): Thursday, February 18, 2021)
When I turned 42 earlier this month, I took some time to write down a list of goals I wanted to accomplish this year. And I was feeling really good about them! They were ambitious but doable! They were clear and concise! They were logical yet pretty exciting! And I was going to tell you all about them when we got to the second part of the Big Worth Energy process (“Figure Out What You Want”) in a week or two!
But then last weekend, I started reading The Abundance Code by Julie Ann Cairns. Even though I feel pretty good about my current financial life, I picked it up on the recommendation of Rachel Rodgers of Hello 7, who repeatedly says that reading it completely changed the way she thinks about money.
(And that babe now owns a multi-million dollar ranch, so if she says to do something, I’MMA DO IT)
I expected the book to mostly be a refresher course on how to change your subconscious beliefs so you can manifest more abundance, and guess what - I wasn’t wrong!
But it also inadvertently upended the entire current direction of my life.
How It Started
The Abundance Code has a list of Action Steps at the end of each chapter (because it’s not a life design book unless you have homework!). At one point, I skimmed through one of the Action Steps lists and was like, “Oh my GOD, this is exactly the process I was just talking about in my last Weekly Update!”
(Synchronicity is exciting to me. Unfollow if you don’t like it!!!!!!)
Action Steps
What are your strongest desires in life? Write them out, without any judgment about whether you currently believe you could have those things or not. A great way to get to this information is to ask yourself, If money were not an obstacle, what would I be doing? Where would I be living? How would my life be different? First just make the list without editing yourself or listening to any internal voice that might be saying, But you can’t have that because of A, B, and C reasons.
Now, take each item on your list and start to write out all the objections to it that your internal voice was putting forward. Why do you think you might not be able to have those things you desire? List the reasons. Don’t just dismiss your internal objections; take the time to write them down and acknowledge their existence.
Start forming a mental picture of your ideal life. Based on the answers to the questions already posed: If money were not an obstacle, what would your ideal life look like? I mean envision the actual mental pictures. Where would you be? What would you be doing? Who would you be with? Would you be smiling? Keep an eye out for images that resonate with your concept of your ideal life.
I was about to share my discovery on the @BigWorthEnergy IG Stories, but stopped to click through the Stories of a one Becca Kufrin, the former Bachelorette from Minnesota, whose Stories were all about exploring her “new neighborhood” in L.A. Feeling that old familiar burning, breathless sensation of envy, I immediately hopped over to her grid, scrolling through to find the exact post that would tell me when and why she had made the move to Los Angeles.
I paused when I came across the above photo, which was so reminiscent of how I felt the first time I was in L.A. almost a decade ago. It’s never going to go away, Amber, I heard a voice say. You’re never going to stop being envious of anyone who makes that leap. You want to believe that it’s only because someone handed them the perfect opportunity to do so, but it’s really just because you’re too scared to do it and they’re not.
I threw down my phone, grabbed my laptop, and began writing out my full answers to the above action steps.
How It’s Going
Here’s the thing (and I HATE saying “here’s the thing” but really, here IS the thing): I’ve done these sorts of deep-desire inquiries hundreds of times. I’ve also come clean to myself (and a few select others) about the things I wrote down per the above. A lot of them were also included in the initial process I talked about in last week’s newsletter.
But I don’t know what it was this time that made everything that much more clear, so much more brutally honest. I say “brutally honest” because the things I desire most from my life are also the things that absolutely scare the shit out of me. When I get really honest about where I most want to live or what I really want to do with my life, all I hear in my head over and over is how hard those things are. And then they feel really fucking scary, and so I try to convince myself that maybe I don’t really want to do them after all.
Yet it all felt so much more doable under The Abundance Code position that if you don’t have the kind of beliefs that are driving you into the future you want, you just need to overwrite them with better beliefs. I could admit all the things I really really wanted in this lifetime - even the things I didn’t really believe I could actually have - because the point was to then hold them up under the light of this whole subconscious belief thing that I’ve been exploring through the Pathway, Dr. Joe’s meditation, and The Abundance Code to the absolute test.
So I got really honest with myself. And now I’m getting really honest with you. Starting with my biggest, most ultimate dream in life:
I live and work in Hollywood, writing bestselling books and award-winning screenplays (and preferably selling them as package deals because I kNoW hOw ThE bIzNiZ wOrKs bAyBeE) and getting to not just see those works come alive onscreen, but be an active participant in the process.
Basically, I wanna be a part of it, except in L.A. instead of New York.
The thing is, besides traveling the world, this is exactly what I would want to do if I won the lottery or only had a year or two to live.
So then why am I not doing it now?
Well, because writing these things down was the easy part, right? Yes, embracing the full deep honesty of who you are and what you want can be tough, but it’s also a breeze to just put it down on paper and then walk away from it, crossing your fingers that someday you’ll get it. Which I’ve done a lot!
This time, though, I felt my anxiety spike as I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to do that anymore. I either had to decide to do everything in my power to go after these dreams, or I had to be okay with wussing out again in favor of the easier, more accessible things.
And to tell the truth, it took me a few days to decide! That’s the great part about keeping your deepest desires a secret and not declaring them publicly…there’s no one you have to make excuses to when you continually find yourself chickening out on them! You also get to change your mind constantly, and I LOVE doing that!
But if I’m really going to do this Big Worth Energy project…if I’m really going to go for it the way I keep saying I am, then why not use it to try and achieve my biggest, most scariest dreams?
If self-worth is all about your subconscious beliefs, and if subconscious beliefs really are the difference between the life you have and the life you want, then what better way to put that to the test than with the things I want most in the world but never quite believed in myself enough to go after them?
The Part Where I Actually Do Stuff
Thus, here’s the big dreams that - with the help of the Big Worth Energy Project - I’ll be pursuing in the next 365 days:
Complete my second novel, Singable Songs for A-Holes
Land a literary agent to rep and sell my work
Complete two movie scripts
Move to L.A.
I will also be adding world travel to the list once we’re no longer in the middle of a global pani and myself + 75% of the world’s population has been vaccinated.
Aaaand I also have a couple of big goals that I’m not sharing outside of the Secret Sharing Circle, because they’re currently too tender for public input and therefore are getting a lil’ extra protection (come along if you want by subscribing here).
More than anything, though, this year I want to stop being the kind of person who just dreams about these things, and instead become the kind of person who’s known for going out and actually getting them.
Action Jackson
So how do I do that?
Well, first, I’m using what I’ve learned during this project so far to:
Break each dream down into an actionable roadmap of achievable goals
Dig up and explore allll of the hard-knock stories, fear-mongering cautionary tales, and broke-down beliefs I’ve bundled these dreams under
Work to overwrite each broke-down story with a new expansive belief
Put those new beliefs to work by using them to form new habit loops (cue - routine action - reward). Repeat until I find the one that sticks.
Goal Digger
While I’m still working on completing the full roadmaps for each goal, here’s the timeline I’ve set:
I’m finishing my second novel, Singable Songs for A-Holes, by the end of this year.
After Singable Songs For A-Holes is completed by the end of 2021, I’m kicking off 2022 by taking myself through the query process and doing whatever it takes to land a literary agent, come hell or high water (would love if neither of those were necessary, however!).
I’m also completing two movie scripts by this time next year: The script adaptation of The Middle of Nowhere and the script adaption of Singable Songs for A-Holes.
Finally, I’m moving to Los Angeles by March 31, 2022.
And to kick it all off, the first goal I’ll be achieving is the completion of the first draft of Singable Songs by March 31st, 2021.
I really want to say “I’m making it a goal” for that last one SO BAD!! but I gotta play to win with these goals and phrasing it that way is such an easy out for me. BWE Babies, I’ve been working this first draft FOR EV ER.
As in, at least 5 years. And I NEED TO JUST FINISH IT ALREADY.
Truthfully, these are all things I’ve been wanting to do for years. I’ve even made public declarations about my intent to do a few of them, but eventually slinked off in silence when it all started to feel too hard and scared.
But I’m not letting myself off the hook this time. While the thought of declaring these really big goals and ACTUALLY going after them legit terrifies the shit out of me, after making my decision this weekend I woke up every morning this week and was like, “Okay, so I’m going to go after all my book and screenwriting goals, move to L.A. next year, and that’s that. Cool.”
And it felt scary but it also felt right. There may be some things that I’ll be doing on my own terms, but the point is that I’ll still be doing them.
Because at this point in my life, I’d rather fail miserably but still get to say I tried rather than keep going through life knowing I haven’t even tried at all.
So that’s that.
Also, sidenote, today is officially 100 Days since I started Big Worth Energy.
What a ride.
What I’m Digging This Week:
Obviously.
(Also, this is an affiliate link, so if *you* buy the book, please use it so that *I* can buy drugs)
Veggies Made Great: Double Chocolate Muffins
Look, I don’t alway have what they call, “great taste.” Lots of people who have made the mistake of letting me control the AUX will tell you this. But I want you to know something…when it comes to healthy things, I am incredibly picky. And a double chocolate muffin that is made up of VEGETABLES?!? A VEGETABLE muffin that legit TASTES like a DOUBLE CHOCOLATE muffin??? This culinary invention truly got out of my dreams and into my life. Buy a bunch of boxes (in the frozen food section) the next time you go to Target (but not at the Edina one, because that’s where I shop and I swear to god if they’re out of stock when I get there, I will go down this subscriber list and personally interrogate each and every one of you who lives local) and thank me later.
Honey Oatmilk Latte from Starbucks
I’m currently trying to cut down on caffeine and sugar, but since coffee/lattes are still my emotional support drink, I’m doing this whole thing where I get a couple Ventis of the Honey Oatmilk Latte from Starbucks at a time, and then portion them out into one Starbucks Tall cup a day. And I gotta tell you - it WORKS. I still get my fix, I don’t go overboard on the cawfee, and I also get to feel super dainty by sipping from a Tall cup like I’m some eternally skinny Real Housewife.
Plus the drink is great, too.
Bye Bye Now
Finally, if you wanna be a part of the day-to-day process of my going after all of these big fucking goals (it is gonna be a JOURNEY), you can join the Secret Sharing Circle and get daily updates to your inbox and/or via the @BigWorthEnergy Close Friends IG Stories!
See you next week!
AC