1. SELF-OBSERVATION

It was 2007/2008, and I was working at a behavioral therapy clinic for kids on the spectrum. “I hope you don’t take it as a hint,” my boss, Keri, laughed, as she handed me an audiobook called Maximum Confidence: Extreme Self-Esteem. “But I got a lot out of listening to this and I think you will, too.” 

I immediately registered the title as being unbearably cheesy, but nonetheless, I still slipped the first disc into my car’s CD player during my long urban commute home from North St. Paul to North Minneapolis. As Golden Hour began drenching the Minneapolis skyline in its sundown glow, I crossed the 94 bridge and listened as Jack spoke how low self-esteem was basically the root of the world’s problems. It made sense! If everyone had a high sense of authentic self-worth, people wouldn’t feel the need to act like such dicks. I mean, that’s just science, baby! 

But then he made it personal. He started talking about how, if the state of your life is less than what you want it to be, that’s all directly related to your self-worth…that people settle for mediocre because they don’t believe they’re worthy of their dreams, and thus aren’t willing to do what it takes to achieve them. 

Parking my car in front of my house, I sat there and let those words sink in. The current state of my life was definitely less than what I truly wanted for myself. I was living in a cold, dark murder basement in North Minneapolis, and while the rent was laughably cheap, I was paid so little at my full-time job that I was at least a few months in the hole with my friend/landlord. Every time I got paid, I would think about that scene in Roseanne where Dan complained about their bills and how he didn’t even need to get ahead, he just wanted to break even: I was always so in the hole that most of that new paycheck went to paying off overdraft fees and filling up my gas tank for the long commute to work and back in my shitty car. That was another point of shame for me: Thanks to a hit by a distracted driver and a mid-winter car break-in, my formerly beautiful vehicle was now a piece of junk with a hole in the back window that I couldn’t afford to fix. You might think getting second job was the answer, but - thanks to the debilitating depression I was refusing to acknowledge - I was already having such a hard time functioning at my first one that I felt like adding to that load would only result in losing both. I constantly struggled with my weight (though now I look back and think…babe. You were SO thin back then!!!) but was also nutritionally starving thanks to only being able to afford Lean Cuisines and bologna sandwiches, and it probably didn’t help that I also smoked (Marlboro Lights, because the Lights were so much healthier) and poured beer down my gullet every chance I got. I hadn’t had a meaningful relationship in at least 2 years at that point, and most of the guys I had dated since moving to Minneapolis turned out be either total choads or troubling messes (more than me, even!). I really wanted to be a writer and I had a popular blog, but I had supreme imposter’s syndrome when it came to submitting pieces or applying for writing jobs (I hadn’t finished college, and literally every writing job was like, “Bachelor’s or GTFO!”). So while I regularly sunk my heart and soul into my writing, I couldn’t see how it could ever really dig me out of the hole I was in.

Which is all to say: I knew the kind of life I wanted, the kind of life I dreamed about…but frankly, right then it all felt sort of impossible. I was basically just waiting for someone to come along and save me, to drop all these opportunities into my lap, and then all my dreams could come true! After all, achieving them on my own? Moi? I could barely go a full week at work without calling in “sick” (i.e., sick of having to get out of bed and be a functional adult).

The idea that all of my problems and dirtbag life situations were the result of low self-esteem felt…not great. I didn’t really know who to blame my problems on, but I sure as fuck didn’t wanna blame them on me! I also couldn’t relate to the labels of “insecure” or “self-esteem.” To me, people who were insecure or had low self-esteem were either painfully shy wallflowers, little weasels who always followed the crowd, or arrogant bullies trying to compensate for something. I wasn’t a person who constantly looked for the validation of others: I was confident in who I was, I was a leader at work, well-liked in most social situations, and if you had asked me at the time, I would have told you that I really liked myself.

But looking back, I can see that I just didn’t get it…and it would take years before I really would.

Song: Once In a Lifetime, Talking Heads 

Months later, on a long walk around the Lake of the Isles, I listened to Canfield talk about how certain people will always be rich because they simply, truly believe that they deserve to be rich. Even if they lose all their money, they’ll always make it back again…because that’s just the level of existence their subconscious is most comfortable in.

Most people, however, are the opposite: Whether they realize it or not, there’s a certain amount of money they’ll never surpass in earning or saving. If they ever happen to go over that amount, the surplus will always “disappear” somehow, either through frivolous spending or an unexpected bill. This is because, subconsciously, these people don’t believe they deserve to be rich. They can’t be *trusted* to be rich, or - more to the point - they can’t trust themselves to stay rich. So no matter how hard they work or how much extra money they make, eventually they’ll always find themselves right back where they started. It’s the exact reason why we see so many lottery winners bouncing back to the poverty line only five years after their big win: Their subconscious mindset never quite caught up to their newly flush bank accounts.

Fun, right? 

Listening to Canfield explain this, I started thinking about the women from The Real Housewives of The OC and Kristin Cavallari from The Hills (remember, this was still back in 2007/2008) and how, no matter what they did, women like that somehow always ended up with the nicest cars and the most amazing houses and the hottest boyfriends. It was easy to see that they felt they deserved that kind of lifestyle, but when you stopped looking at it as delusion or entitlement, you could tell that it was simply a difference of self-worth. They felt and believed, to their core, that they were worth that luxury convertible, that Malibu beach house, that hot pro football player. And since the universe is gonna universe, it proved them right.

I, on the other hand, had a really hard time believing I was only worth a shitty basement apartment, a laughable paycheck, and a beat-up car. I knew I was capable of more. I kept telling myself everything was going to get better, it *had* to get better…except, that, I wasn’t really doing anything to actually make it better. 

And that, my friends, is when The Law of Attraction swooped in and saved me from having to do any of the actual work! 

The thing is, deep down I suspected Maximum Confidence was right. Even though I still didn’t relate to the concept of having “low self-esteem”, I was open to the idea that it might be the answer to my problems. Yet the thing I couldn’t figure out was what to *do* about it. The concept felt so abstract and wispy, and the best advice I could find was to take risks, put myself out there, and go *for* rejection…then every time I succeeded, my self-esteem would improve! 

The only thing is, if you have low self-esteem, then taking risks, putting yourself out there, and going for rejection are the absolute last things you want to do!!! 

So instead, I started reading everything Jack Canfield, including The Secret, and I decided that this Law of Attraction stuff was a much easier solution: Simply mediate, visualize, change your mindset, and manifest! I just had to tell the universe my coffee order, and then sit back and wait for it to appear! 

And yes, I 100% chose to ignore all the “and then take massive action!” tenets that came after the whole mindset thing. What about small actions, instead? What about tiny preparations that would get me ready to take a lil’ bit of action?! What if I just told the universe that once it gave me the thing, then I would take action on it? Like, give me an agent first, and then I’ll have no choice but to finish that novel! I mean, makes total sense to me!!!!

And the thing is, The Law of Attraction did work…at least for some thing. When I had to move out of the place I now refer to as the House of Pain (the home I lived in after I moved out of the murder basement), I manifested a beautiful apt of my own. When I got back into a corner and suddenly quit the low-paying behavioral therapy job I'd been so unhappy in, I got an offer to join a start-up that very night. When I decided I was ready to manifest a soulmate, he showed up in my life almost immediately. When I and that soulmate later broke up in spectacular fashion and I had to move out of our shared place and build a whole new life for myself, even through my heartbreak (or because of it) I managed to quickly manifest a ridiculously amazing apt, a lucrative new gig, and a new creative project. 

And yet. 

And yet. 

The thing is, no matter how many big things I managed to manifest in my life, I always somehow, eventually, ended up at the same level I was at before. Instead of Kristen Cavallari, I was the lottery winner/loser. Even when I managed to manifest something truly great like a fantastic apt, eventually I would end up downgrading to another rented room/basement situash. When I landed a great gig, there would still somehow be weeks or even months of struggle while I waited to get paid or anxiously stood by while the assignment was delayed. Even the soulmate ended up being a crystal clear example of this really great thing that eventually blew up because I just wasn’t yet in the right mental or emotional place for it. 

The worst part of all of this? Instead of life steadily getting better, I was starting to feel like it was only getting more and more substandard. 

2. CLARITY OF THOUGHT

The realization was always brought on by what I call a “Jump-in-the-Matrix” moment. You know the one. The kind where something in your consciousness shifts and you find yourself suddenly taking a look around and wondering, “Wait…I live here? I’m dating THIS guy? And working THIS job?! In THIS town?!? Have I just been asleep for the last 5 years? How the FUCK did this happen??!”

You realize that the day-to-day has slowly lulled you into a sort of “good enough” complacency. You need something in a pinch; this is what you can afford right now; this is the easiest option; the pay isn’t great but it’s better than nothing. It’s not the best you can do - *nothing* in your life is the best you can do - but you tolerate your surroundings and circumstances with a sort of blind, willful ignorance because setting higher standards and holding out for better requires energy you just don’t have and action you don’t want to take.

Until one day, you finally wake up to that conscious moment and realize that, if the soap operas are true and you’ve only got one life to live, then this shit? Is fuckin’ mediocre. The sands are indeed running through the hourglass, but these? These are not the kind of days you want reppin’ your life.

So what do you do? When you have that “WTF is THIS shit?” life moment, I mean…what do you actually do about it? 

If you’re like me, you’ll boldly decide that you’ll do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to change all of your life circumstances. Any plan, any book, any declaration…you’re willing to jump in feet first and do all of it if there’s even a faint promise that you won’t have to live this kind of woefully inadequate, bullshit life much longer.

And you might even stick to it! For a few days, maybe a week, maybe even two weeks. 

And then shit gets hard, there’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV, a new seasonal kind of Oreos in your cupboard, and you just…sort of…

Give up. 

Go back to your old ways again. 

Lull yourself back to that unconscious, “What, this? This is fine!” state of being again. 

And resume making decisions for your life that always tippy-touch the bar of “good enough”, but almost never rise above it. 

Song: Start by Ellie Goulding

I’ve been here a thousand times before. I’ve even written this exact same type of post before. More than once, even! 

But lately, it’s just been getting worse. Now, instead of those Jumps-in-the-Matrix moments being a once-in-a-while thing, it’s become once-a-day. 

The big reckoning happened almost a year ago. A past love reappeared into my life again, and I found myself looking around at my life and thinking…I can’t show him this. Some people are medicine; others are measuring sticks. For half my life, he’s been both. Measuring sticks, though, hold themselves to a certain kind of standard. And when you’re right in front of them, it begins to dawn on you that you don’t have those same standards for yourself, and you begin to wonder why that is.

How did I even get here? When did I stop caring about my own life? On the outside, I live a life of comfort and privilege: I have a safe, comfortable, and affordable apartment; I own a reliable vehicle outright; I have disposable income; and there are people in my life who love and care about me.

I’m grateful for those things, and when I’m floating through the day-to-day, life is fine, everything's good. But then I’ll have those moments where I wake up, and the contrast from where I want to be - where I thought I would be - and where I am is stark, even painful. 

Anyone who’s known me or read my stuff for a substantial amount of time knows that I’ve got some really big dreams for my life…but I’m still nowhere near to accomplishing them. The fact that I just cannot seem to get the fuck out of my own way has caused me a lot of pain. I haven’t really done anything I’ve set out to do. I haven’t even accomplished my most minor of goals. Instead my quality of life getting better, it’s actually getting worse. Two years ago I took a baseline of all the areas of my life and then put a reminder a year from that date to do another baseline to see where my life had improved. The next year, you know how many areas had improved? Zero. About half the areas had even gotten worse, with one or two plummeting in comparison. 

I was miserable, and I was turning into a loser. Worse, I was turning into that loser who talks a big game to all her friends about all the things she’s going to do, and then five years later she still hasn’t done any of them. What was wrong with me?? Why couldn’t I stick to any of my goals or the promises I had made to myself? Even the medicine measuring stick man coming back into my life didn’t seem to be enough motivation to turn things around. 

The most painful part was that I was so, so tired of always starting again, always starting over. Of always making plans to transform my life: New life, new me. Sometimes I’d cry from the frustration of it, wondering why I couldn’t seem to ever really change, to ever really get my life together. It felt like I was constantly battling with myself, with this shitty little monster inside of me that just wouldn’t let me succeed. The sneaky jerk that didn’t want me to win; it wanted to sit on the couch and order Postmates and posts memes to IG Stories and just think about how cool it would be to live the kind of life I wanted for myself, instead of actually living it. I was stuck in the self-improvement version of Groundhog’s Day, losing time while the life I really wanted for myself was just passing me by. No more new beginnings, I’d tearfully beg in my meditations, whilst asking the universe for help. No more fresh starts. I don’t want to need them anymore. I want this to be it, the final time I begin anew…when it all actually sticks, and for good.

Pretty depressing stuff, right? Yeah, it’s been a real drag! So has been spending thousands of dollars and countless hours on therapy; journaling so much that I started developing a gag reflex when confronted with anything relating to self-reflection; and embarking on countless projects where I attempted to make new rules for my life, set big goals, and build better habits. All of which seemingly changed nothing.

And you wanna know why? Because none of it went deep enough.

Song: When I Wasn’t Watching by Mandy Moore

Last year, a few months after I had the “and now I feel like all of my after-school commitments are just not good enough” Clueless moment, I stumbled upon another startling revelation about self-worth…which was that I didn’t have any!

The revelation was three-fold: There was this new manifestation expert making the rounds on all the self-improvement podcasts, and while she touted herself as having a method that was “well…radically different” from other leading manifestation experts, a lot of what she based her methods on were similar to Neville Goddard’s work back in the ‘50s and Canfield’s assertions in Maximum Confidence. I also started following The Holistic Psychologist on Instagram, and trust me when I tell you that even just 5 of her posts were worth more than some of the thousands of dollars I had previously spent in therapy.

Finally, I got it. When I began to take a deeper look at my life, the choices I was making, and then the subconscious beliefs that were leading me to make those choices…holy shit, you nerds. No WONDER my life was a mess! OF COURSE I kept failing when it came to setting new habits and achieving new goals…I was never going to succeed at the stuff I wanted to accomplish, simply because my incredibly low self-worth wouldn’t allow it. There was a sneaky little bastard tripping me up the whole time: It was called self-betrayal, and that jerk had its roots dug down deep into the middle earth of my sense of worth (hashtag rhymes, hashtag poet).

Luckily for me, this time things were different - instead of suspecting that low self-esteem might be the problem but not really knowing what to actually do about it, I had all these tools popping up around me that, or once, actually addressed this issue in a concrete, actionable way. Some of it was based on psychology, some of it was based on neuroscience and epigenetics, and some of it was based on spiritual concepts. 

Over the past year, I’ve tried out some of these tools, attempting to remedy my low self-worth situash on my own. However, while I’ve made some key discoveries and have had some important revelations, I haven’t really experienced any concrete changes yet because I can’t seem to practice these tools with any modicum of consistency.

(Which, PS, is a symptom of low self-worth! Your low self-worth will literally do everything it can to prevent you from doing the things that will help you form high self-worth! I don’t make the rules! Your low self-worth does!) 

When I started to grow frustrated by my lack of consistency, I sat down and tried to figure out a fix. Looking back, I began to realize that the only time I’ve ever really stuck to anything for an extended amount of time is when I’ve shared about it on the daily to a blogging audience.

And that, my friends, is exactly why we’re here. 

3. DETACHMENT

Whilst I and my fragile ego would much prefer to make this a “I’ve completely changed myself, and now I’m going to teach YOU how to do the same!” transformational success story where I can be adorably honest about the loser I used to be because - surprise! - I’m actually not that person anymore, that’s just not where we’re at right now. I really wanted this to be that, and tried for a few months to get ahead of it, but again - I can’t seem to stick to things unless I have that built-in accountability that comes with putting myself out there. That’s just me being Miley. 

And, because there’s a lot of Virgo in my chart and I’m a trauma-filled fool who believes that all outside validation, affection, and admiration will instantly go away the minute I reveal myself to be even a little imperfect, I also really wanted to have a whole bunch of things in place before I even launched this project. And I still would very much like to do that, but I just can’t wait any longer or waste any more time trying to create a perfect start. 

So we’re jumping in. 

Big Worth Energy is a personal project focused on my intention to transform my life and achieve my biggest dreams by (first) reconstructing my sense of self-worth. And I’ll be doing it all in real time, right in front of your big beautiful eyes. Instead of being your huckleberry, I’m here to be your/my/our guinea pig.

So place your lily-soft hand in mine and prepare to come along with me as we embark on this fuckin’ journey towards some - you guessed it! - Big Worth Energy. 

Song: The Plan by Travis Scott 

Here’s how it’s going to work: 

I’m going to be implementing a few big tools into my life on a daily basis that will all help explore and build self-worth in some way. Some will focus on specific areas of my life, and some will focus on the big picture.  I used each of these tools on my own for varying lengths of time, and feel strongly that there’s some magic to their methods (however, my use of them for this project is not an explicit endorsement of them or their creators). However, since I've really only dipped my toes into the usage of these tools, I’m also incredibly curious to see what might happen if I did actually practice these tools on a consistent, daily basis. 

The current tools are as follows: 

Lacy Phillips’ The Pathway 2.0

Dr. Joe Dispenza’s Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself

Noom

We Should All Be Millionaires Club

The Gabriel Method’s Evening Meditation

Listen - I know some of you are going to look at the tools on this list and immediately scoff at a few of them, and that’s totally okay. Part of the reason why I want to make myself a guinea pig and see what happens if I do this stuff consistently is because I’m curious to see if some of these tools could actually work. I will also be explaining, at a later time, why I’ve been led to each one of these tools and why I’ve chosen to use them - and spoiler alert, I might actually be even more skeptical of them than you are - so for now, let’s just all put our fun and cute judgements on the shelf until later, mmmkay? 

I won’t be using ALL of these tools at the same time, and this list also does not include some of the tools that I’ll also be referencing or studying along the way, like @The.Holistic.Psychologist and other assorted books and teachings. Also, as I process through these tools and either learn everything I can from them or practice them to the point where they’re second nature, I’ll likely be switching out existing tools for new ones. I also have a whole list of books and courses related to this topic that I haven’t even touched yet, and part of the reason for that was because I wanted to wait until I could build this platform to share as I go. The best way I know how to really learn material is to talk/write about it and share it with others, and I’ve realized that a lot of these books would be a whole lot more fun to go through (for me, I mean. Maybe for you, too? I don’t know your life!) if I have a way to do that whilst also volunteering myself as tribute for all the practices and exercises that are often laid out in these types of books. 

There will be other, smaller habits and goals that I’ll be challenging myself with and putting into daily rotation. These will range from the obvious, like practicing the above tools every day, to the more tangible, like setting a writing goal or doing that thing I’ve been procrastinating forever on. 

Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is: Expect this project to morph and change as I morph and change! 

A lot of this work will involve healing past wounds, moving through fears that hold me back, setting boundaries, and keeping self-made promises. Which means a lot of it is probably going to get pretty deep and really, really personal…because it kind of has to in order to have any real effect, yeah? 

Which brings us to how I’m going to sharing this project, which is two-fold: 

1) I’ll be publicly sharing the big lessons of what I’m learning with weekly updates of my progress on a variety of platforms: On the blog, in the weekly Big Worth Energy Substack Newsletter, and on the @BigWorthEnergy Instagram account. Anyone can follow along, and if you like what you’re reading, I hope you’ll share it with your friends!

2) Along with this, there’s a behind-the-scenes Big Worth Energy Super Secret Members-Only Club (working title) that you can join for daily updates on progress and learnings.

Song: Yes I’m Changing by Tame Impala

Like I said above, I expect for a lot of this work to get really deep and personal. Which I am not very comfortable with! And when I say “not very” what I really mean is “not fucking AT ALL!” Sharing stuff like that directly works into some of my biggest, most present fears: Being vulnerable, creating intimacy, and being honest about the parts of myself that aren’t perfect. 

But again, I’ve gotta keep myself accountable, and that accountability includes documenting these parts of my journey. So I’ve decided to strike a balance and keep these things shareable while also creating a little bit of gatekeeping around it. 

Membership to the Big Worth Energy Super Secret Members-Only Club is - legit - less than two Venti Pumpkin Spice Lattes a month (and trust me, friend…I know the cost of a Venti Pumpkin Spice Latte), or you can pay for an annual membership and get 50% off. You can also become a Founding Member, which has some REALLY great benefits that range from I Don’t Know to Maybe You Just Wanna Give Me Money Because You Have Some & Are a Really Cool Person Like That. Most of the membership fees will go toward paying for the tools I’ll be using (some of it I’ll spend on drugs), and in exchange, you’ll get daily updates to your inbox*; access to the password-protected part of the blog where the daily updates will also live; and access to the daily, behind-the-scenes Close Friends content on @BigWorthEnergy.

Basically: If you’ve ever been like, “Man, I’d love to see the inner workings of Amber’s mind but that bitch doesn’t share shit”, here’s your chance!!!!

The Big Worth Energy Super Secret Members-Only Club is also an agreement between you and me that, unless you are my biological parent (you’re not allowed to join! So sorry! But also not sorry because you will definitely not be able to adhere to the following rules of the Big Worth Energy Super Secret Members-Only Club!) I will show you exactly what I’m doing, how I’m doing it, and how I’m doing with it, and you will keep it all behind-the-scenes by respecting the privacy covenant of the membership and not doing stuff like bringing it up in front of the group when we end up at a socially-distanced happy hour. You won’t even bring it up when it’s just the two of us and there’s a gap in the conversation! In fact, you won’t bring it up at all outside the confines of the Big Worth Energy Super Secret Members-Only Club unless I explicitly tell you first that I want to talk about it!!!

These are my boundaries, bb…which is, like, one of the things I’m going to be working on during this whole project!! Go me on the boundaries!! Oh and also, if you break them, you’re immediately kicked out and I keep all your money.

The way I would normally do something like this is spend a lot of time writing introductory posts on everything - tell you what The Pathway is all about, why I decided to use Noom, etc - and then after that was all done, then I’d dive into the day-to-day. But again, I just can’t wait any longer! So it’s going to feel a little like I’m going backwards (at least to me) as I jump into using and exploring these tools and then play catch-up on explaining all of those things to the uninitiated. 

I’m also just going to be super super honest and tell you that none of this is going to be perfect or perfectly organized, a lot of it is probably going to be really cringe, and I’m absolutely going to want to go back at least hundred times during the course of this project and just delete everything and start all over. And those are all things that have legit stopped me in the past, so I’m just putting them out there right now so we know where the bar is set and what I’m not going to do this time. I will probably rewrite a bunch of stuff and move some stuff around because, again, I’m just sort of jumping in right now instead of planning some meticulously planned project launch and I do like things to be neat and orderly, but I’m giving myself permission to do that as long as I just keep going. 

I am serious, though, about the cringe factor - I fully expect that some of the stuff I share with you, especially through the Big Worth Energy Super Secret Members-Only Club, is going to be really really embarrassing. Like, REALLY embarrassing - the kind of stuff you try to scrub from the internet when an old boyfriend comes back into your life type of embarrassing ( also why I’m having people pay for it, because I can tell you with absolute certainty that no ex-boyfriend of mine will pay for shit).

But I’m still going to do it, because I know deep down that this is going to be good for me, and I have a hunch that it might also be good for some of you, too.

So let’s do it. Follow me on Instagram at @BigWorthEnergy, sign up for weekly updates on Substack, and if you want to be part of the Big Worth Energy Super Secret Members-Only Club, click whatever paid plan works for you when you sign up for the newsletter. When you sign up for the paid subscription model, I’ll email you the password to the password-protected BWE blog that only you and your fellow club members can access, and I’ll also ask for your IG handle so I can add you to the Close Friends list on @BigWorthEnergy. And then BOOM - you’ve got yourself a front row seat to my humiliating attempts at self-development! 

And I’ve already started posting to Close Friends, so join now if you don’t want to miss a beat!

This is gonna be great, y’all. For you. I mean. For me, it’s going to hard and painful and embarrassing and hopefully worth it in the end, but for you, it’s probably gonna be great from the get! I wish I were you. You probably have stock options. And a 401K. And a partner who loves you and will take care of you when you’re sick. What’s that like, even? Is it cool? 

Yeah. I bet it’s cool.