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'The Bachelor', Season 22, Episode 3: The Bachelor Version of Glow, Lauren Didn't Have Arie at Merlot, a Carnival Dog Show, & #Justice4Bibiana, Yo!

Welcome back, Bachelor Lovers! It's Week 3 in the Bachelor House, and this week did not disappoint: We're talking wrestling; tears; vineyards; tears; a dog show; more tears; and another cocktail party/rose ceremony and so many tears! 

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'The Bachelor', Season 22, Episode 2: Becca Goes To Prom, Krystal Looks Like Arie's Mom, & Bibana Explodes Like a Bomb!

Somewhere in a blue California sky, a hawk blinks as a man throws a leg over a motorcycle, slips on a pair of sunglasses, and gratuitously guns the engine. Who could this man be? Oh, it's ARIE, who not only drives race cars and regular cars but ALSO motorcycles! Is there anything this man can't do, besides form a healthy, intimate long-term relationship with another person without the help of network television? 

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'The Bachelor', Season 22, Episode 1, Part 2: Arie's Pulse Is Soarin', Champagne Be Pourin', and a Limo Full of Laurens!

nd now it's (finally) the moment we've all been waiting for, lovers - the part in the show when the limos arrive and we immediately make judgements about a woman's intelligence, depth, and character based on the stupid gags she's been pushed to do by the producers! 

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'The Bachelor', Season 22, Episode 1, Part 1: Arie Goes For Rides, Chris Harrison Lied, and Let's Meet Some Child Brides!

The last time we saw Arie was five years ago, when he made it all the way to the end on Emily Maynard's season, which just so happened to be the very first season I started recapping the show (after watching the show from the very first season, I finally couldn't stand it and just had to put my indignant rage to paper/blog)! Arie was a dorky race car driver who was so smitten kitten for Emily that it was honestly almost embarrassing.

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: 'The Bachelorette' Season 8, Episode 10: 'The Bachelorette' Recap: Curaco is the perfect place to buy some pottery and propose, everybody!

Well, love lovers, last night was the last episode of this season of The Bachelorette, and with it, our very last recap of the season. What am I going to write about now?! Where am I going to get my weekly dose of unrealistic romantic settings and dramatic interactions that are more dumb than dramatic?! Huh? Where do broken hearts go? Do they find their way home?

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: 'The Bachelorette', Season 8, Episode 9: Curacao Is The Perfect Place To Get Your Heart Broken, Everybody!

This week, Emily and her Rose Buds descend upon Curacao! 

Where THE FUCK is Curacao? Has anyone ever even heard of this place before? Everyone on The Bachelorette kept talking about it like, "Oh, yeah, of course, it's awesome to be here in Curacao" and everyone else in the entire world was like, "Where?! You're in Kalispell? Morocco? The mythical lands of Cure-A-Spell?" Turns out, Curacao (correctly pronounced "Cure-a-sow") is in the Caribbean and is a constitute of the Kingdom of the Netherlands.

And, surprise! They also paid The Bachelor Franchise to use this episode as a glorified tourist ad because obviously they also get that no one knows where the fuck this place is.

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: ‘The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 8: Hometowns Are The Perfect Place To Fall In Love, Everybody!

This week on The Bachelorette, we got to go to the hometown of each remaining Rose Bud (Lumpy Space Princess Chris, Jef With One F, Arie, and Sean) to meet their families and pretend-sweat it out over whether or not they’ll approve or Emily.

And yes, it was just as boring as it sounds.

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: ‘The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 7: Prague Is The Perfect Place To Fall In Love, Everybody!

Last night Emily and her Rose Buds descended on Prague in Czechoslovakia. Which makes me hate them all, because Prague is pretty much the city I want to go to above all other cities (I am available for hire, any corporate travel sponsors who might want a kicky blogger to visit towns for them and write non-boring reviews).

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: ‘The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 6: Dubirudkcioulskiciyick, Croatia Is The Perfect Place To Fall In Love, Everyone.

On this week’s episode of the Bachelorette, the crew went to a town called Dubrichoiolytickaloahik in Croatia. While I knew from reading books on vampires that Croatia is actually pretty beautiful, I bet the Bachelor team really threw an eye-opening curveball to most of America by showing them that Croatia isn’t a coal-dust-covered nuclear holocaust war zone.

That’s Romania, guys.

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: ‘The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 5: What Light Through Yon Window Breaks? It’s Emily, Y’all!

This week on The Bachelorette: Emily Has a Daughter, we’re all going to LON-DON TOWWWN! Cheers, mate! Hope you have a jolly good time, then! Eat some fish and chips and go put your trainers in the boot of your lorrie, yeah!

Quote of the night, from Real Housewife Ryan, as he revels over how romantic London is: What an unbelievable backdrop for her to continue a relationship with me.

This guy. I mean…there are just no words.

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: ‘The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 4: Bermuda, Bahama, Emily’s a Mama

Last night on The Bachelorette: The crew “scooted” to Bermuda, Parent Expert Doug made me puke again, Head Trauma Charlie cried a bunch, some guy we’ve never seen before got dumped during dinner in a cave, and I could totally win a million dollars from my Bachelor-watching predictions (related: Real Housewife Ryan is a total douchecanoe)!

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Friday Flashback: Got a Weird Thing To Show You

That lady went on to be a judge, I bet, or maybe a super successful internet marketer, and everyone who knew her back then probably still passes around a photo of her from that video at least once a year to all her coworkers and new family members and just-friended friends on Facebook. And she’s probably like, “No, guuuuyyyssss! That was the styyyle back then! It was coooool! I was in a ROCK VIDEO because of it!” and everyone else is like, “OMG LOOK AT YOUR WEIRO HAIR THAT EVEN CAMEO DIDN’T WANT NEAR HIS RED PLASTIC JOCK CUP, LADY.”

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: ‘The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 3: If The Times Get Too Good, We Can Just Talk About Kids Again

Last night’s episode was an intense exploration of what it means to suffer through some uncomfortable conversations about being a father and what it means to everyone in the whole goddamn world. It opened up with Emily’s mom bringing Emily breakfast in bed in what looks to be like one of the most amazing bed/bedrooms in the world. I paused it to see what kind of food the most perfect woman in the universe likes to break her fast with, and it looks like green grapes, wheat crackers, cheddar cheese, deli turkey slices, hummus, and a bread/muffin-like thing with coffee.

And that, my friends, is why I feel I missed my calling as an crackerjack investigative reporter.

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: 'The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 2: It’s Just About Everyday Life, You Guys

Last night’s episode of The Bachelorette: Emily Has a Daughter opened up with a crackerjack “news story” on Charleston local Emily and “rumors” that the new season of The Bachelorette was filming in Charleston so Emily could be close to her daughter. This, of course, came as a shock to everyone watching, since WE HAD ALL KNOWN THIS FOR MONTHS. Great reporting, Channel 9.

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: ‘The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 1: Meet My Millionaires!

To get you up to speed on some Bachelor History and ready for the new season of The Bachelor, Season 22: Arie Is Old, I'll be posting Bachelor Monday recaps of the first Bachelor season that Arie Luyendyk Jr. subjected America to his kissing style: The Bachelorette, Season 8: Emily Has a Daughter! (It was also the first Bachelor season I ever recapped! #tears). You can also now follow along with the retro-season by watching Season 8 on ABC online!

Please share with all of your Bachelor-watching friends! Especially because if I have to see "Who's the eff is Arie?!" one. more. time. on my #TheBachelor Twitter feeds, I'm gonna half'ta poison someone's Flat Tummy Tea.

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