Amber L. Carter
Writer. Professional Intuitive. International Fashion Model.
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Posts in Bachelor Monday
[Bachelor Monday Rewind] 'The Bachelor' S17 Episode 7: Welcome to St. Cry!

Welcome to Episode 7 of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, and You!

This week we find Sean and the girls on the tropical island of St. Cry Croix, where dates both boring and more boring happen among the bikinis and crying!

Ready? More after the jump!

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[Bachelor Monday Rewind] 'The Bachelor' S17 E5: Love Lift Us Up Where We Don't Belong

Welcome to the first of the most dramatic/exciting/epic two-episode event yet of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, and You!

This week we're not only taken to new heights in love and drama, but also to new heights in helicopters and insanity. 

Strap in your seat belt after the jump! 

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[Bachelor Monday Rewind] 'The Bachelor', S17 E4: A Slow Dance For No One

Welcome to the fourth episode of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, & You! 

Last night, mountains were climbed, the divide between Muslims and Christians got a little smaller thanks to quality reality programming, a Bachelor producer got fired for coming up with a horrible, horrible idea for a group date, and a redux of Pretty Woman turned out pretty much the exact opposite way of how the real story should turn out.

Ready to get beat down by love? Then make the jump once again into this amazing journey!

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[Bachelor Monday Rewind] 'The Bachelor' S17 E3: It’s All Confetti & Bikinis Until Everyone Starts Crying!

There’s confetti. There’s kissing. There’s bikinis. There’s crying. There are necks that look like they were broken, but weren’t. There are cardinal rules that look like they were broken, and DEFINITELY were. There’s champagne on hotel rooftops, there’s champagne by a pool, and there’s champagne in an amusement park. And then there’s more crying.

It’s AWESOME.

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[Bachelor Monday Rewind] 'The Bachelor' S17 E2: The Most Undramatic Rose Ceremony EVER!

Welcome to the second episode of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, and You! Thanks for joining us on this amazing journey, everybody.

On this part of The Amazing Journey, we are taken in a helicopter to a dare date…then to a photo shoot group date, and then we cap it off with a little champagne and hot tub action, and round it out with some roses.

Let’s review – helicopters, dare date, photo shoot group date, champagne and hot tubs…yep! This is The Bachelor.

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[Bachelor Monday Rewind] 'The Bachelor' S17 E1: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, & You!

Well, kids, it's that time of year again...time to pop open the white wine, fire up the hot tub, and crank up those unrealistic expectations of what real love looks, feels, and acts like!

The Bachelor is back!

This season, on The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, & You, we'll be taking a journey into the heart of this Golden Texas Boy as we ask the question: Will Sean find true love? And do we care as much as we do about him taking off his shirt some more?

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[Bachelor Monday Rewind] 'The Bachelor' S17 Intro: The Original Virgin Bachelor

If this show was about meeting someone whom you could see yourself dating for the next four years because you’re not quite ready to settle down yet, then…then nothing. None of us would f*cking watch that show. And also I’m going to start suing every single Bachelor and Bachelorette who does that to us, because that’s actually fraud and I didn’t just give you three hours out of my Monday nights for months just for you to take it slow.

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: 'The Bachelorette' Season 8, Episode 10: 'The Bachelorette' Recap: Curaco is the perfect place to buy some pottery and propose, everybody!

Well, love lovers, last night was the last episode of this season of The Bachelorette, and with it, our very last recap of the season. What am I going to write about now?! Where am I going to get my weekly dose of unrealistic romantic settings and dramatic interactions that are more dumb than dramatic?! Huh? Where do broken hearts go? Do they find their way home?

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: 'The Bachelorette', Season 8, Episode 9: Curacao Is The Perfect Place To Get Your Heart Broken, Everybody!

This week, Emily and her Rose Buds descend upon Curacao! 

Where THE FUCK is Curacao? Has anyone ever even heard of this place before? Everyone on The Bachelorette kept talking about it like, "Oh, yeah, of course, it's awesome to be here in Curacao" and everyone else in the entire world was like, "Where?! You're in Kalispell? Morocco? The mythical lands of Cure-A-Spell?" Turns out, Curacao (correctly pronounced "Cure-a-sow") is in the Caribbean and is a constitute of the Kingdom of the Netherlands.

And, surprise! They also paid The Bachelor Franchise to use this episode as a glorified tourist ad because obviously they also get that no one knows where the fuck this place is.

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: ‘The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 8: Hometowns Are The Perfect Place To Fall In Love, Everybody!

This week on The Bachelorette, we got to go to the hometown of each remaining Rose Bud (Lumpy Space Princess Chris, Jef With One F, Arie, and Sean) to meet their families and pretend-sweat it out over whether or not they’ll approve or Emily.

And yes, it was just as boring as it sounds.

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: ‘The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 7: Prague Is The Perfect Place To Fall In Love, Everybody!

Last night Emily and her Rose Buds descended on Prague in Czechoslovakia. Which makes me hate them all, because Prague is pretty much the city I want to go to above all other cities (I am available for hire, any corporate travel sponsors who might want a kicky blogger to visit towns for them and write non-boring reviews).

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: ‘The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 6: Dubirudkcioulskiciyick, Croatia Is The Perfect Place To Fall In Love, Everyone.

On this week’s episode of the Bachelorette, the crew went to a town called Dubrichoiolytickaloahik in Croatia. While I knew from reading books on vampires that Croatia is actually pretty beautiful, I bet the Bachelor team really threw an eye-opening curveball to most of America by showing them that Croatia isn’t a coal-dust-covered nuclear holocaust war zone.

That’s Romania, guys.

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: ‘The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 4: Bermuda, Bahama, Emily’s a Mama

Last night on The Bachelorette: The crew “scooted” to Bermuda, Parent Expert Doug made me puke again, Head Trauma Charlie cried a bunch, some guy we’ve never seen before got dumped during dinner in a cave, and I could totally win a million dollars from my Bachelor-watching predictions (related: Real Housewife Ryan is a total douchecanoe)!

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: ‘The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 3: If The Times Get Too Good, We Can Just Talk About Kids Again

Last night’s episode was an intense exploration of what it means to suffer through some uncomfortable conversations about being a father and what it means to everyone in the whole goddamn world. It opened up with Emily’s mom bringing Emily breakfast in bed in what looks to be like one of the most amazing bed/bedrooms in the world. I paused it to see what kind of food the most perfect woman in the universe likes to break her fast with, and it looks like green grapes, wheat crackers, cheddar cheese, deli turkey slices, hummus, and a bread/muffin-like thing with coffee.

And that, my friends, is why I feel I missed my calling as an crackerjack investigative reporter.

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: 'The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 2: It’s Just About Everyday Life, You Guys

Last night’s episode of The Bachelorette: Emily Has a Daughter opened up with a crackerjack “news story” on Charleston local Emily and “rumors” that the new season of The Bachelorette was filming in Charleston so Emily could be close to her daughter. This, of course, came as a shock to everyone watching, since WE HAD ALL KNOWN THIS FOR MONTHS. Great reporting, Channel 9.

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: ‘The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 1: Meet My Millionaires!

To get you up to speed on some Bachelor History and ready for the new season of The Bachelor, Season 22: Arie Is Old, I'll be posting Bachelor Monday recaps of the first Bachelor season that Arie Luyendyk Jr. subjected America to his kissing style: The Bachelorette, Season 8: Emily Has a Daughter! (It was also the first Bachelor season I ever recapped! #tears). You can also now follow along with the retro-season by watching Season 8 on ABC online!

Please share with all of your Bachelor-watching friends! Especially because if I have to see "Who's the eff is Arie?!" one. more. time. on my #TheBachelor Twitter feeds, I'm gonna half'ta poison someone's Flat Tummy Tea.

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