Amber L. Carter
Writer. Professional Intuitive. International Fashion Model.
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Posts in Greatest Hits
Bachelor Monday Rewind: 'The Bachelorette' Season 8, Episode 10: 'The Bachelorette' Recap: Curaco is the perfect place to buy some pottery and propose, everybody!

Well, love lovers, last night was the last episode of this season of The Bachelorette, and with it, our very last recap of the season. What am I going to write about now?! Where am I going to get my weekly dose of unrealistic romantic settings and dramatic interactions that are more dumb than dramatic?! Huh? Where do broken hearts go? Do they find their way home?

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: 'The Bachelorette', Season 8, Episode 9: Curacao Is The Perfect Place To Get Your Heart Broken, Everybody!

This week, Emily and her Rose Buds descend upon Curacao! 

Where THE FUCK is Curacao? Has anyone ever even heard of this place before? Everyone on The Bachelorette kept talking about it like, "Oh, yeah, of course, it's awesome to be here in Curacao" and everyone else in the entire world was like, "Where?! You're in Kalispell? Morocco? The mythical lands of Cure-A-Spell?" Turns out, Curacao (correctly pronounced "Cure-a-sow") is in the Caribbean and is a constitute of the Kingdom of the Netherlands.

And, surprise! They also paid The Bachelor Franchise to use this episode as a glorified tourist ad because obviously they also get that no one knows where the fuck this place is.

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: ‘The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 8: Hometowns Are The Perfect Place To Fall In Love, Everybody!

This week on The Bachelorette, we got to go to the hometown of each remaining Rose Bud (Lumpy Space Princess Chris, Jef With One F, Arie, and Sean) to meet their families and pretend-sweat it out over whether or not they’ll approve or Emily.

And yes, it was just as boring as it sounds.

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: ‘The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 7: Prague Is The Perfect Place To Fall In Love, Everybody!

Last night Emily and her Rose Buds descended on Prague in Czechoslovakia. Which makes me hate them all, because Prague is pretty much the city I want to go to above all other cities (I am available for hire, any corporate travel sponsors who might want a kicky blogger to visit towns for them and write non-boring reviews).

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: ‘The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 6: Dubirudkcioulskiciyick, Croatia Is The Perfect Place To Fall In Love, Everyone.

On this week’s episode of the Bachelorette, the crew went to a town called Dubrichoiolytickaloahik in Croatia. While I knew from reading books on vampires that Croatia is actually pretty beautiful, I bet the Bachelor team really threw an eye-opening curveball to most of America by showing them that Croatia isn’t a coal-dust-covered nuclear holocaust war zone.

That’s Romania, guys.

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: ‘The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 4: Bermuda, Bahama, Emily’s a Mama

Last night on The Bachelorette: The crew “scooted” to Bermuda, Parent Expert Doug made me puke again, Head Trauma Charlie cried a bunch, some guy we’ve never seen before got dumped during dinner in a cave, and I could totally win a million dollars from my Bachelor-watching predictions (related: Real Housewife Ryan is a total douchecanoe)!

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: ‘The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 3: If The Times Get Too Good, We Can Just Talk About Kids Again

Last night’s episode was an intense exploration of what it means to suffer through some uncomfortable conversations about being a father and what it means to everyone in the whole goddamn world. It opened up with Emily’s mom bringing Emily breakfast in bed in what looks to be like one of the most amazing bed/bedrooms in the world. I paused it to see what kind of food the most perfect woman in the universe likes to break her fast with, and it looks like green grapes, wheat crackers, cheddar cheese, deli turkey slices, hummus, and a bread/muffin-like thing with coffee.

And that, my friends, is why I feel I missed my calling as an crackerjack investigative reporter.

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: 'The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 2: It’s Just About Everyday Life, You Guys

Last night’s episode of The Bachelorette: Emily Has a Daughter opened up with a crackerjack “news story” on Charleston local Emily and “rumors” that the new season of The Bachelorette was filming in Charleston so Emily could be close to her daughter. This, of course, came as a shock to everyone watching, since WE HAD ALL KNOWN THIS FOR MONTHS. Great reporting, Channel 9.

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Online Dating Diaries™: Seeks Non-Flirt Baby Factory, Offers Nothing In Return

I’ve actually been sitting on this for a looooong time…first, because I was taking a break from doing (and writing about) online dating, and second, (as you’ll hear in this episode of Pizza Rainbow!) with very few exceptions, I struggle with the moral implications of publishing someone’s online dating identity.

But this is one of those very rare exceptions when I don’t have any qualms on putting a guy on blast.

In fact, I’m practically doing a public service.

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The 2015 Fuck It List: #8 - Being A Teaching Hospital

But somewhere along the way this past year, I learned that my life does not have to be a teaching hospital in Seattle, where fresh-faced residents get to work out their painful personal histories and navigate the tricky road of angsty romantic relationships while I’m trying to perform a goddamn surgery on yet another patient who was caught up in a catastrophic natural disaster on their way to the Fisherman’s Market.

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The 2015 Fuck It List: #2 - Friends Who Aren’t Living on the Two-Way Street of Friendship

...in 2015, I’m done with expending my time and energy on friendships that don’t extend mutual energy back. This is not something I say lightly: I’m kind of the type who will hold on to our Facebook friendship long after we’ve stopped talking because I want to believe that leaving that door open will be worth it down the line. And you know what? I’m going to stop doing that. Forgiveness is awesome, but I also feel like keeping those doors open expends a lot of energy that I’d rather save for friends who care about how their actions affect others. Friendship isn’t always a booze cruise (or, depending on your experiences with booze cruises, maybe it is?) but when it gives you more Bad Feels than good, maybe it’s time to get off that fucking boat.

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The #1 Rule For Becoming a New You (Hint: It involves Mall Bangs, a Flux Capacitor, and a reference to Clueless)

This past weekend I spent two glorious days getting a jumpstart on my annual New Year’s tradition: Decluttering All The Things + making new goals for the upcoming year.

You know how they say that you should figure out A) what it is that you’d be happy doing for days, and then B) find someone to pay you for it?

Somebody, please pay me to declutter all the things.

And pay me to watch reality TV.

Also, pretty please pay me to talk about myself and make out with boys and put on a record of Whitney Houston’s greatest hits right before the office is locked for a big meeting so that the set crew full of boys has to listen to the record in its entirely while they work.

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The F*ck It List

Sometimes just hearing someone say that they don’t do things the way everyone else claims things need to be done just gives you so much…freedom. Like a big deep exhale of it. It immediately resounded with me, and led me to finally admit that, yeah, actually…while I crave a certain sort of structure, having to stick to the same routine each day makes me feel trapped. Claustrophobic. So eager to break out that I furiously rebel. It’s the very reason why I was notorious for skipping class (and work…sorry, former-boss-turned-now-forever-friend Keri ;), and it’s the reason why I still choose to work at home (and on my own stuff) and only accept opportunities that will allow me to retain a sense of autonomy.

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It’s Butterfly-Turning-Into-Time, Bitches

The way I kind of wanted to work this whole #IamtheOne thing was to write about the Very Damn Essential, and then take you guys through the day-to-day “journey” (I can never say “journey” now without immediately thinking about The Bachelor, which is horrible but also awesome…it’s JUAN-UARY, everybody!). And then it would all just be a matter of letting you sit back and watch how my life is changing in totally miraculous and amazing ways!

But it didn’t really work like that.

At least, not yet.

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Committed To Sparkle Motion

I had friends from Minneapolis who were up at their cabin for the holiday weekend, and we were meeting that morning for brunch. I slipped on a pair of skinny black jeans, cuffed them quickly, then donned a black shirt and a light black sweater. Slipping on my sandals, I threw my hair up into a ponytail and then bounded down the stairs to unlock my bike. The morning was cool and cloudy and everything that I could ever want in a Sunday morning, just on the cusp of fall. I love fall so much. It’s so easy to forget in the haze of summer sunshine, but leaves and lakes and boots and jackets and bonfires…it’s what I come here for, over and over again. An endless loop of fall in the Northwoods. Riding my bike past my old place, I smiled a little as I remembered that this was the day, two years ago, that Katy and I went to River’s Edge for River Jam and I ran into the boy who would define that early fall for me…and pretty much my new adult dating existence, if I’m honest about it. He was beautiful and smart and a great, great kisser and he had a lot of potential. And I really wanted him, but it was the first time in a long while that I let my feelings shield and protect me, instead of tossing them to the wind to see what might come back. And I am really glad for that. The lesson I was meant to learn with him is that potential doesn’t mean shit, quite frankly, and it was time to be done with boys who were super cute but just a lot of talk, and who, at the end of the day, don’t really make you feel all that great about yourself.

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Sunday Night Special: Turkey Bacon Chili, Paired With Chilly British Nobility

This chili pairs really well with red wine. I like Chateau St. Michelle’s Cabernet with this one, but a Pinot Noir would probably be really great, too. And for your viewing pleasure, I would suggest the first season of Downton Abbey. Because while the show seemed like it would be right up your ally, the series pilot bored you to tears – because you thought this was going to be about English nobility and rich girls and proper English romances with some servant drama going on downstairs, right, and not just all about some droll limping butler who seems to be hiding a secret, the truth about which you could really care less about discovering – and you’re kind of afraid to give it another go, but your friends all won’t shut up about it and you’re kind of in the mood for something English. Fear not! This chili is anything BUT boring, so it and the wine you’ve paired it with will balance quite nicely with an incredibly slow-moving English Masterpiece TV series.

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