When The Hills first premiered on May 31, 2006, I was 27, and had just moved from Northern Wisconsin to Minneapolis, Minnesota, where I was renting a tiny bedroom in a South Minneapolis bungalow while I worked as a counselor for a maximum-security unit of male juvenile offenders. After losing the better part of my early twenties to lonely, dead-end stints in Iowa and Wisconsin, an intense, troubled romantic relationship that had ended in fatal tragedy, and the deep, dark maw of grief that had swallowed me whole afterward, moving to Minneapolis felt like a fresh beginning…a chance to finally start the kind of glittering, cosmopolitan life I had been putting on hold for so long.Read More
The thing about Troop Beverly Hills is that every moment is just a joy…it’s written and shot so as to be a pure delight, and it delivers. Based on creator and producer Ava Ostern Fries' “true-to-life anecdotes” of leading her daughter’s area brownie troop, it features a beautiful, fashionable, plucky heroine, a handsome hunk of an estranged husband/dad, a troop of girls I could actually see myself being friends with (or whom might actually be nice to me while they gently turned down the offer of my friendship), some adult situations (which was my favorite kind of thing in a movie, second only to rich people stuff), and a campy romp into the lives of the Beverly Hills rich and famous.Read More
Well, my friends, our amazing journey has come to an end on The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, & You!
This will be a very special recap...I'll mostly just hit the high points, since last night I had to mix Advil with some wine so I could suffer through the pain of breaking my ass long enough to make it through the THREE HOURS of this season's Final Rose/After The Rose episode...so I don't really remember a lot of specific dialogue???
And was there a talking alligator that hopped up onto Sean's deck to give him advice during the deliberations? Was that real? And what about Barney coming back to sing the "I Love You" song after Sean gave Catherine the final rose? That was awesome! And then he gave them a ride to McDonalds on his back?! Talk about a twist on the ol' sunset/declarations of love that usually happen after the proposal!
So yeah, let's get to it, because I've only got two hours left of this last dose of pain meds, and then after that, this girl is hopping a sleepy train to codine-dream town.
More totally coherent points and intelligent choices after the jump!Read More
To me, Beverly Hills, 90210, is sunshine, blue skies, and palm trees; airy California houses with sandstone-colored walls in nice, quiet neighborhoods; the Louis Vuitton Chantilly purse; “All For Love” by Bryan Adams, Sting, and Rod Stewart; dreaming about moving out to sunny LA, buying a convertible, and working on movies like The Three Musketeers; wearing bodysuits with Guess jeans and mod headbands; going to bright, sprawling malls with sky lights; going to see Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves in the movie theater, crushing over Christian Slater, and spending a week of summer vacation waking up early just to sit in front of Vh1 all day and wait for them to play the music video for Bryan Adam’s “Everything I Do, I Do It For You”; dreaming about moving to the sunny South of France and buying a castle with Bryan Adams while he sings that song to you every night before you go to sleep; sporting L.A. Gear high tops, scrunchy white socks, polka-dot cotton bike shorts, and (shamefully) Hyper-Color t-shirts; smelling like Neutrogena, Sun-In, and Love’s Baby Soft (or Exclamation, if you wanted people to think you were experienced); and having endless, heated debates with your friends over who you wanted to be your boyfriend - Brandon or Dylan.Read More
It's Overnight Dates, and the gang is all in Thailand for it, because why shouldn't those lucky fucks get to go to one of the more exotic and interesting places in the world, right?
Also, this is the part in the season where half the episode is comprised of flashback filler - Sean looks out on to the horizon and takes us back on the Amazing Journey that he's been on with each of the three remaining women. It's boring and I hate it - obviously if you're this far into the show, you should have some recollection and understanding of who these women are and why Sean likes them. If you don't...well. I'm sorry about your short-term memory loss, and I hope that you have someone to take care of you during this confusing time.Read More
Welcome to this season's edition of Hometown Dates on The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, and You! Let me just state for the record that I tend to find Hometown Dates to be the most boring episode of the entire Bachelor season.
And this one was no exception!
Find out about more stuff I'm right about after the jump!Read More
Welcome to Episode 7 of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, and You!
This week we find Sean and the girls on the tropical island of St. Cry Croix, where dates both boring and more boring happen among the bikinis and crying!
Ready? More after the jump!Read More
Welcome to the first of the most dramatic/exciting/epic two-episode event yet of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, and You!
This week we're not only taken to new heights in love and drama, but also to new heights in helicopters and insanity.
Strap in your seat belt after the jump!Read More
Welcome to the fourth episode of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, & You!
Last night, mountains were climbed, the divide between Muslims and Christians got a little smaller thanks to quality reality programming, a Bachelor producer got fired for coming up with a horrible, horrible idea for a group date, and a redux of Pretty Woman turned out pretty much the exact opposite way of how the real story should turn out.
Ready to get beat down by love? Then make the jump once again into this amazing journey!Read More
There’s confetti. There’s kissing. There’s bikinis. There’s crying. There are necks that look like they were broken, but weren’t. There are cardinal rules that look like they were broken, and DEFINITELY were. There’s champagne on hotel rooftops, there’s champagne by a pool, and there’s champagne in an amusement park. And then there’s more crying.
It’s AWESOME.Read More
Welcome to the Halloween episode from season 2 of Beverly Hills, 90210, aptly titled….”Halloween”!Read More
Well, love lovers, last night was the last episode of this season of The Bachelorette, and with it, our very last recap of the season. What am I going to write about now?! Where am I going to get my weekly dose of unrealistic romantic settings and dramatic interactions that are more dumb than dramatic?! Huh? Where do broken hearts go? Do they find their way home?Read More
This week, Emily and her Rose Buds descend upon Curacao!
Where THE FUCK is Curacao? Has anyone ever even heard of this place before? Everyone on The Bachelorette kept talking about it like, "Oh, yeah, of course, it's awesome to be here in Curacao" and everyone else in the entire world was like, "Where?! You're in Kalispell? Morocco? The mythical lands of Cure-A-Spell?" Turns out, Curacao (correctly pronounced "Cure-a-sow") is in the Caribbean and is a constitute of the Kingdom of the Netherlands.
And, surprise! They also paid The Bachelor Franchise to use this episode as a glorified tourist ad because obviously they also get that no one knows where the fuck this place is.Read More
This week on The Bachelorette, we got to go to the hometown of each remaining Rose Bud (Lumpy Space Princess Chris, Jef With One F, Arie, and Sean) to meet their families and pretend-sweat it out over whether or not they’ll approve or Emily.
And yes, it was just as boring as it sounds.Read More
Last night Emily and her Rose Buds descended on Prague in Czechoslovakia. Which makes me hate them all, because Prague is pretty much the city I want to go to above all other cities (I am available for hire, any corporate travel sponsors who might want a kicky blogger to visit towns for them and write non-boring reviews).Read More
On this week’s episode of the Bachelorette, the crew went to a town called Dubrichoiolytickaloahik in Croatia. While I knew from reading books on vampires that Croatia is actually pretty beautiful, I bet the Bachelor team really threw an eye-opening curveball to most of America by showing them that Croatia isn’t a coal-dust-covered nuclear holocaust war zone.
That’s Romania, guys.Read More
Last night on The Bachelorette: The crew “scooted” to Bermuda, Parent Expert Doug made me puke again, Head Trauma Charlie cried a bunch, some guy we’ve never seen before got dumped during dinner in a cave, and I could totally win a million dollars from my Bachelor-watching predictions (related: Real Housewife Ryan is a total douchecanoe)!Read More
That lady went on to be a judge, I bet, or maybe a super successful internet marketer, and everyone who knew her back then probably still passes around a photo of her from that video at least once a year to all her coworkers and new family members and just-friended friends on Facebook. And she’s probably like, “No, guuuuyyyssss! That was the styyyle back then! It was coooool! I was in a ROCK VIDEO because of it!” and everyone else is like, “OMG LOOK AT YOUR WEIRO HAIR THAT EVEN CAMEO DIDN’T WANT NEAR HIS RED PLASTIC JOCK CUP, LADY.”Read More
Last night’s episode was an intense exploration of what it means to suffer through some uncomfortable conversations about being a father and what it means to everyone in the whole goddamn world. It opened up with Emily’s mom bringing Emily breakfast in bed in what looks to be like one of the most amazing bed/bedrooms in the world. I paused it to see what kind of food the most perfect woman in the universe likes to break her fast with, and it looks like green grapes, wheat crackers, cheddar cheese, deli turkey slices, hummus, and a bread/muffin-like thing with coffee.
And that, my friends, is why I feel I missed my calling as an crackerjack investigative reporter.Read More
Last night’s episode of The Bachelorette: Emily Has a Daughter opened up with a crackerjack “news story” on Charleston local Emily and “rumors” that the new season of The Bachelorette was filming in Charleston so Emily could be close to her daughter. This, of course, came as a shock to everyone watching, since WE HAD ALL KNOWN THIS FOR MONTHS. Great reporting, Channel 9.Read More