Get ready to get "Control" by Janet Jackson stuck in your head OMG you're so welcome
I control all of my choices. I am the master of my time. I am in charge of what my life looks and feels like.
This morning I woke up to this singular thought. Or, actually, it came to me while I was still lying in bed, trying to slant my mind in a positive direction. The past couple weeks have felt frustrating - I can tell I’m falling into something when I get inordinately annoyed and irritated at having to do the same chores, week after week. Isn’t that just the most ANNOYING thing, though? Like, vacuuming my bathroom - I HATE doing it, but I also hate a dirty bathroom floor, and so it’s this cycle of vacuuming it whilst knowing that I’m just going to have to vacuum it three days later, which adds up to a lot of quality time that I could be writing my book, or recapping shows, or putting stuff on eBay, or quite literally doing ANYTHING else that has a way more permanent pay-off then doing a chore that I’m just going to have to repeat in a few days.
And when I start feeling this way, I know it’s because there are other things in my life that I’m feeling resentful toward that I either don’t want to admit or just am not yet in a position to admit. Like work. Here’s where I would normally do the thing where I would start with a positive and try to convince you and myself that work is good, I love my work, there are so many great things about it, I get to work with really fun people, etc. And all of that is true - I truly work with some of the funnest, smartest, most creative people, and we work in a sweet environment downtown, and we work on really fun, creative, cool things. We also get paid really well for it, and even better, there’s a huge snack buffet literally steps from our desk. Not a lot to complain about!!!!!! But it’s not so much work as it is my reaction to work. When I don’t make my own things a priority, I get stabby. When I don’t plan well for my day and organize my time so I can meditate, write, and do other things that make me feel balanced and calm, I get stressed and resentful…and then I manage that stress by eating like shit, spending money on stuff I don’t actually need, drinking more, picking up old, bad habits, and “blowing off steam” with time-wasters like targeting trolls on Twitter.
None of which actually makes me feel any better!!!
And here’s where it comes full circle - I know all this. I’ve been through this a thousand times. So when I’m getting mad at myself for the inalienable, inescapable fact that I have to clean my bathroom over and over every three days until I die, I’m actually really just mad at myself for doing the thing where back to wasting time on stuff and habits and actions that I already know don’t fully serve me.
This landed last night, as I was preparing my Dot Journal for another week. Writing in the day and date at the top of the page and then filling out the subsequent pages for each day (if you want to know what I do for mine, it’s “(day) Pre-Performance Blueprint/Schedule” on the first page, then “Commitments + To-Dos + Notes” on the next, then “Activate Gratitude”, then “Precious Ambitions” and finally “Transform Lower-Energy Emotions”…I can do a bigger blog post about this later if you want), I started to feel that old irritation at the thought that I was taking all this time to fill out my journal for the week but I probably wouldn’t even have the time to actually fill it out each day because my schedule was so crazy. And that’s when I heard that old voice: “You are the master of your time. You decide what you get done, and when.”
Which is true. I want to make the excuse that that’s easy to say when I have a producer calling and texting me at 7:30 because they need an answer RIGHT NOW on this thing, or that sure, getting in my meditation in the morning is super easy when I don’t have to be at a video shoot at 8 AM, but honestly, all of that is bullshit. The reason why that stuff makes me inherently resentful is because it makes me feel hemmed in, beholden to someone’s immediate wants and needs…and I’m a person who needs to feel at all times that I have the freedom to control my own destiny.
Which is ironic, because it’s actually also very easy for me to get mired in the excuses and the whining, because then I don’t have to actually take any responsibility for my own life and I can just pretend that I’m not doing ___ or ____ because it’s all ___’s fault. Have you ever tried that? It’s so easy! You just shrug your shoulders, throw up your hands, and go, “Eh, guess I can’t reach my dreams because I have meetings all day. I tried, I guess!” It feels very, very cool to get to just blame everything and everyone else instead of forcing yourself to take accountability for your own circumstances.
But then you’ll have a singular thought about how you’re actually the one who controls all the things in your own life and then suddenly everything else is sent into stark relief. For instance, let’s go back to this morning…I thought about how many things I’m actually totally in charge of, and the facts came flooding in, like waves pounding on the shore.
I 100% control how much I weigh, because I know that I can always drop the excess weight by just not eating sugar and also by actively releasing the subconscious need to continue to protect myself in this way (Whew! That’s a larger post for a future time), which I’m literally actively choosing to not do right now.
I 100% control when this next book gets done or even if it ever gets done because I know I have at least a handful of hours in the day I can spend on it, but I’m choosing to instead spend that time watching TV or drinking with my friends at happy hour or internet surfing the world wide web.
I 100% control my own moods because I know that when I write, work out, and meditate, I feel fulfilled and happy and relaxed, but I’m choosing to stay on the stress-wheel by not making those things a priority and convincing myself that I just don’t have the time for them.
I 100% control how often I spend my precious life cleaning my own bathroom because I know I can totally afford to hire a housekeeper to do it all for me, but I’m choosing to instead prioritize money over time.
I mean, I could go on, but now this is just getting embarrassing.
And sure - there’s a big difference between realizing a thing and actually following through on it. Which is why I’m writing about it here…because I’ve realized that if I actually take these lessons and share them publicly - instead of just writing about them in my super secret private journal #girlythings - then they feel a little bit more cemented. Like you actually have to start following through on them, or the most annoying person who follows you on Instagram is going to DM you about why you’re ___ when you just wrote about how you’re not doing that anymore (seriously, it’s so fucking irritating but I would also be lying if I said that the thought of that person doing that hasn’t prevented me from doing a thing I said I wasn’t going to do anymore).
I also get credit for sounding really introspective and self-aware, which I like.
Anyway, since I’m the master of my time, I going to reclaim that time by not trying to come up with a clever “OH MAN SHE TOTALLY BROUGHT IT HOME RIGHT THERE” ending for this post, and just say: I am the master of my destiny, and so are you. So let’s all just stop watching Real Housewives of Orange County, because we know it’s like that enchilada dish from the local Mexican place that always sounds like it’s going to be really good but then you eat it and you’re like, “Ugh, that is NOT sitting right with me” and then you’re like, “I’m never going to eat that enchilada dish from that Mexican place again!!!” and then a week later you’re like, “You know what I could really go for? That enchilada dish from that Mexican place” and then the whole cycle repeats itself…so instead, let’s just encourage each other like good sisters-wives would to just stop putting ourselves through that and instead use that time to go after a worthy goal. Kay? Vicki’s not even a full Housewife anymore, but they somehow still decided to keep Tamra, which is like ordering an enchilada dish and being all, “By the way, I DON’T want the refried beans to come with it, but I WOULD like extra chopped iceberg lettuce on the side” which LITERALLY NO ONE WANTS. So just tell yourself that this good choice isn’t just for you, it’s for all of Bravo, because they need to finally learn that Tamra is actually the real problem, not Vicki.
Anyway. The End.