Amber L. Carter
Writer. Professional Intuitive. Pop Culture Obsessive.


Throwback Thursday: My Friends Are Real Jerks

Originally posted May 22, 2010

So a couple of Saturdays ago I had a tiny little housewarming party at my new apartment (I’m really tempted to call it “my new space” but then I feel like I would just involuntarily throw up all the over the place). In setting up the apartment and while in the process of getting ready for said party, I had hung a whiteboard in my kitchen and had added the following items to my To Do List –

1. Party Playlist

2. Address change

3. Door

4. Beer

During the course of the party, I noticed my friends drawing a picture of a unicorn on said whiteboard, which I appreciated because it just meant that they loved me. Then there was suddenly a picture of what, at first glance, looks like a bent pointer finger, but if you look more closely and use your imagination, you can tell that it’s really meant to resemble a penis. And of course, with the words “POKER FACE!” written right next to it, there’s really no question.

So, thanks for that. Nothing like looking at a flaccid penis while I’m trying to make breakfast and stuff. MMmmmm.

But the real outrage came the next morning when I glanced at the list and realized that some of my friends had taken it upon themselves to add a couple of items to my To Do List.

The modified list as follows –

1. Party playlist

2. Address Change

3. Door

4. Jewel heist

5. Beer!!!!!!

6. bike ride

7. kitten is lonely

8. buy milk for lonely kitty

9. Wedge

10. Listen to Hold Steady

So items 1, 2, and 3, we already know were from me.

#4 – Wait a minute. Was Erica Ulstrom at my party? Because I’m almost for sure she was out of town, but maybe she snuck in my window at some point, clapped her hands a couple of times, and thought, “Jewel heist! SUCH a good idea!”. Which is why I love her (if you don’t know already, it’s a running joke that if we are having a night of debaunchary and someone mentions an ill-advised plan of some sort – such as, I don’t know, robbing a bank or drunk texting someone you used to have a crush on – she is the first person to exclaim “YES! That is SUCH A GOOD IDEA! You HAVE TO DO IT!” while smiling her winning smile and clapping her hands in delight).

#5 – My note, with added modifications.

#6 – It goes against my moral code to ride a bike. I am upset and offended that someone would even suggest that I would ever do this.

#7, #8 – Apparently moving into your own apartment by yourself means that everyone and their mom thinks that you should get a cat now. And it was brought up like I was a bad person for not having thought of it before. Maybe I don’t want a cat. Maybe I WANT to stay selfish and self-absorbed. Maybe having a cat when I live all alone and by myself kind of creeps me out. Maybe cats don’t always like me and I feel like the last thing I need is something else hanging around and reminding me that I’m a bad person. Maybe if you bought it for me and all the required stuff then maybe I would think about it. Maybe I feel like getting a cat when I’m 31 and single would be the final death knell to any hope I may still have of getting to go to bed with someone else on a regular basis (someone else who is not a cat, I mean). So. Maybe you should just shut up about it.

#9 – Oh, THE WEDGE. I know who wrote this, you. For the record, I support and like The Wedge, but it’s fast becoming one of those things that my support is waning for because of the other people who support it. You know who I’m talking about – the ones who brag about it in their online profiles, or who turn up their lip a little bit if you even mention that maybe you stopped at Lunds for some milk. And then there’s the assholes who insist on holding up traffic for 30 minutes during rush hour while they sit in the southbound lane and try to get over two other lanes of oncoming traffic just to pull into the tiny parking lot AND THEN once again have to pull out because there’s no parking spots. DRIVE UP TO THE INTERSECTION, MAKE A LEFT, TURN AROUND, AND THEN GET INTO THE NORTHBOUND LANE ON LYNDALE SO YOU CAN JUST TURN INTO THE LOT WITHOUT BEING A JERK ABOUT IT.

#10 – I won’t even dignify this with a response.