[Bachelor Monday Rewind] S17 E9: Overnight Dates...This Wasn't Just Fun & Games, You Guys
It's Overnight Dates, and the gang is all in Thailand for it, because why shouldn't those lucky fucks get to go to one of the more exotic and interesting places in the world, right?
Also, this is the part in the season where half the episode is comprised of flashback filler - Sean looks out on to the horizon and takes us back on the Amazing Journey that he's been on with each of the three remaining women. It's boring and I hate it - obviously if you're this far into the show, you should have some recollection and understanding of who these women are and why Sean likes them. If you don't...well. I'm sorry about your short-term memory loss, and I hope that you have someone to take care of you during this confusing time.
So anyway. Linday's up first. Sean tells us that Lindsay once told him that she couldn't wait until they could be a couple and living their life together and going to the grocery store. So he decides to take her to a local outdoor market, where they try exotic foods and make Lindsay eat a bug, because what says romance than forcing a girl into an uncomfortable situation under the guise of impressing a guy into loving her. Then they frolic on the beach in their awesome bodies and feed some monkeys, but what they don't know is that the monkeys are really Taiwanese Gizmos, and that feeding them on the beach at sunset is going to turn them into flesh-eating monsters by morning.
Then they have dinner at the Thailand Version of Disney, and they say a bunch of stuff about marriage and love and being best friends, etc. The Fantasy Date card comes, where Chris creepily invites the two crazy kids to spend the night in a hotel room so they can Git. It. ON! and Lindsay doesn't even miss a beat in accepting. Then they go to the hotel room and they start making out and Lindsay tells Sean she's a virgin and he's like, "me, too," and then they do it and then have mimosas with Chris the next morning, where he answers all their questions about intercourse and the importance of producing an heir for the Bachelor throne.
Then it's time for another edition of AshLee's Immersion Therapy Sessions with Sean!
This is also the part of the episode that we have a drinking game based on how many times AshLee says "This Man"...as in "I love This Man." Because she says it ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME.
So they get into their swimsuits, and once again I'm mesmerized by AshLee's bodacious body (seriously - it's a RIDICULOUS body). They take a boat out to pretty much the most beautiful coast in the world, and Sean tells AshLee that they're going to swim into a cave. Sean is excited about this because he knows that AshLee doesn't like to give up control, so he's hoping that she can just let go and hold onto him for a little bit. This is something a therapist does...not a boyfriend. Anyway! They swim into the cave, and it gets dark and seems like it would be scary if you weren't swimming in it with an entire camera crew, and then they come out to the other side to this amazing tropical beach that apparently you can only get to by swimming through the water cave, and that's when I want to throw something at the TV because what a bunch of lucky jerks, right? So they make out on the beach for a while, and then they talk about marriage and love and other bullshit like that. And I can't remember if they talk about waiting for marriage or not on the beach or at dinner, but the whole time I'm like, "Uh, did AshLee totally forget the fact that she was married at 17?" because she keeps talking about how she's glad she waited to get married until she found the right one, blah blah blah. And I want Sean to call her on it SO BAD! But he doesn't. They have a romantic dinner, and then the Fantasy Suite Card comes, and AshLee says something about not wanting to appear to cross that line, and that they know where they stand with each other, but that it would be great to spend some uninterrupted time together.
And so they do, and she decides to take it as an opportunity to tell Sean what kind of ring she wants.
Down to the cut, size, and carat.
Because nothing says romance like money-grubbing diamond-hungry demands, yeah?
So that was nice.
She's adorable. Their date mostly consisted of body image confessions, what a buncha bitches Catherine's sisters are, and limited eye contact, but whatever, I love her so I don't care. They do some stuff out on the water and then they have dinner, and the Fantasy Suite Card comes and Catherine does the thing where she tells Sean that she's very traditional and had been thinking about how she would handle this and basically says, "I'm not going to have sex with you, but I'll probably get naked with you under covers and roll around with you a little bit. You know...just to see how it feels." So they go back to the suite and they say a bunch of more adorable stuff together and they swim in a pool under a full Thailand moon, and I'm still in love with her and think that she's Sean's #1 pick.
So the next day Sean tells us that he woke up already knowing who he was going to send home. He raps with Chris about it, and then he has to stand there awkwardly and watch some video messages from the girls. Lindsay and Catherine's messages are sweet, but AshLee can't even stop crying long enough to get a word out. "I'm just emotional," she says. YEAH. WE KNOW THAT ABOUT YOU ALREADY. So then her message ends and you can tell by Sean's face that she's going home, and I'm like, "YES" because while I love her slammin' body, I can't stand that emotional wreck any longer.
Rose Ceremony! And there's boobs everywhere. Catherine looks totally awesome in her red dress, and AshLee's dress is like, BAM. LOOK AT THESE BAZOOMS. It was almost too much. So Sean comes out. Lindsay gets the rose. AshLee immediately looks pissed. Then Sean calls Catherine's name.
And OH MY GOD, ASHLEE'S FACE. She was soooo PISSED!
DID I NOT CALL IT?! Did I not have the most perfect nickname ever for her with Lifetime Original Movie AshLee?!!! That bitch is CRAZY. She's nice around the other girls, but seriously. When it comes to guys, she's either a Stage 5 Clinger or she's the kind who's going to tie you to your bedpost and then set your house on fire.
So she literally GLARES at Sean for about five minutes, and then crazypants starts walking out.
Sean follows her, and she's not going to stop to talk to him, until she does. But all she does is stop, and then slowly turn around with the SCARIEST expression on her face.
Seriously psycho-town. Sean stammers out some stuff about really caring for her but just realizing that they weren't right each other in the end, and I want SO BADLY for him to be all, "And what was that bullshit with the ring? Why would you even go into that?" but he doesn't.
So she leaves and starts saying crazy stuff like she wasn't here for fun and games, you know, and Sean goes back in and you can tell that he feels awful for hurting her, but at the same time, you can't control other people's emotions and so sometimes when you have a super hot girl with a slammin' body who's just a little bit crazy and overemotional and has abandonment issues, you learn next time to cut them loose a little earlier and maybe give them a free gift certificate for some therapy sessions or something.
So! Next week! It's the Women Tell All. I have it on good authority that Tierra WILL be there, so that should be fun. Like the Sean Tells All, I may or may not do a recap depending on how much new juice comes out. But for SURE we will be recapping the final episode in two weeks - which, by the way, is supposed to be THREE FREAKING HOURS.
It's going to be amazing.
Until then, I will leave you with this...
Originally published February 28, 2013