The Bachelor: Season 22 Preview: Arie Likes To Kiss!'
Welcome, lovers, to the preview of season 22 of The Bachelor: Arie Likes To Kiss!
Or, as ABC likes to say: Welcome to Janu-ARIE!
(FTR, the last time ABC did a play on "January" to includes a Bachelor's name, it was "JUAN-uary" for Juan Pablo, which, to date, is probably the most disastrous season of all time. So...the fact that they're doing it again bodes REALLY well!)
I know that a lot of people in Bachelor Nation are pessimistic and even a little pissed that ABC is bringing back Arie to be the Bachelor, instead of choosing someone from Rachel's season, like fan-favorites Dean or Peter. And those people are fucking stupid, and they can all punch in their time cards and take their leave of Bachelor Nation, since clearly they haven't been here for very long and therefore don't have opinions that remotely count. If you're pissed about Arie being "old", I kindly invite you to STFU, because hi, hello: THE WHOLE ORIGINAL POINT OF THIS GODDAMN SHOW IS TO FIND A BACHELOR WHO IS ACTUALLY READY TO FIND THE LOVE OF THEIR LIFE AND THEN GET MARRIED TO THEM.
And you know who those people generally are? PEOPLE WHO ARE OLDER THAN TWENTY-FUCKING-SIX YEARS OLD, GUYYYSSSS.
I, for one, am actually pretty excited about Arie being The Bachelor this season. His presence harkens back to what I like to think of as The Golden Age of The Bachelor franchise: When the show actually showcased accomplished people with personalities who had their shit together and actually wanted to find love, versus lame-ass aspiring Instagram "Influencers" who just wanted to get on Dancing With The Stars. That little curve in Bachelor History that included Jason, Jillian, Brad, Ashley, Ben F., Emily, Sean, and Andi was a little wormhole in time where everything was champagne and hot tubs and roses, the Bachelor/ette were actual adults, and everyone actually went on breathtaking, once-in-a-lifetime dates AND to glamorous worldwide destinations (I will admit that ABC definitely stepped it up for Nick and Rachel's season when it came to traveling, and I choose to believe that that was a direct result of my pointed tweets at producers and so you can all thank me personally for that).
And also, as a bonus, Arie does not give one single shit about how this season is going to increase his social media followers or whether or not it's going to land him a career in the entertainment industry, which is incredibly refreshing and much needed in Bachelor Nation. I don't even think he's gonna try to start a podcast after his season! WHAT A REVOLUTION WE ARE IN STORE FOR, COMRADES.
Now, to be totally fair, Arie is a horrible kisser (my nickname for him on Emily's season was Lamprey Luyendyck) and is also one of the biggest - albeit lovable - dorks to ever grace the Bachelor screen. He also cannot take a cool photo to save his life:
And yes, we've all heard the rumors of him and Jef Holm plundering sorority houses across America and how he probably dumped his GF right before or after he landed the Bachelor gig, so he's maybe not as lovable as he once was. But I'm excited enough about him to actually want to recap a season again, so it all comes out in the wash, mmkay?
Anyway, enough about Arie! Let's jump forward and meet the people of this show who really count...Arie's future child brides!
This season, ABC went so far as to lump in and make videos about the girls who fit into different categories - The Laurens, The Dog Moms, The Pizza Lovers (WTF), the Jetsetters, and Home Chefs. First of all, who the fuck came up with these categories? Are Redbook and Ladies Home Journal now writing for ABC? Don't you guys kind of think of ABC as that kid in school who volunteered for a school newspaper column on all the hip-happening fads and trends, but all they really accomplished was making all the cool things they wrote about instantly lame? Like, first ABC did it by co-opting the Bachelor Fantasy League thing, and now they're trying to do it by stealing the Lauren thing away from us. Us grouping all the girls in and assigning them all the name of Lauren is a thing that us viewers do to casually hate on you, ABC. You're not in on the joke! You are the joke.
They also decided to take out the first hour of filler in the premiere and move it to a standing-alone episode called "Countdown To Arie", where we had to hear Arie try to convince his brother, America, and himself that he's ready to settle down and get married, and we got to meet some of the women who may or may not make it to the end of this season. It started out with Marquel, a 23 yr old professional photographer (whoever decided that that's the girl to lead with on a season where the Bachelor is 35...you should be fired); then Tia, a gun-shootin' brunette from Weiner, Arkansas; Bekaaaaaah, a rock-climbing nanny; Nysha, a nurse who's all about the thrill; Kendall, the token weird funny girl who's actually interesting but whom the producers are going to make into a joke because she's super into taxidermy; Marikh, who seems to not understand what the premise of this show is; Caroline, a real estate agent from Florida who's only been selling houses for a year but has already sold $5 million dollars worth of real estate so YEAH - she's REALLY good at her job.
Anyway. Let's move on to making more gross assumptions and harsh judgements about a bunch of women we don't know with only a photo and a few brief sentences to go on!
First up, we've got Ali:
Ali's face kind of reminds me of Tenley, but here's hoping that she doesn't have Tenley's god-awful baby voice. Ali is 27, she's a personal stylist (I wonder if she's on Instagram...?), and hails from Lawton, Oklahoma. According to one of the videos, she's a pizza lover, so definitely add that to your list of Must Knows. She thinks her three best attributes are that she's funny (I'll be the judge of that, ALI), and that she considers herself adventurous "100 percent!" First of all, I hate adventurous people - they're always the ones who are trying to make you do stuff that you totally don't want to do, but they're also expert at applying the peer pressure so that you'll look like a totally lame and cowardly loser if you don't do that stuff, so then you do that stuff but it never turns out to be as fun or awesome as those adventurous people try to make it out to be, which invariably just makes you hate and resent them even more. Hence, already don't like her.
Also, the bish publicly admits to listening to fucking NICKELBACK.
If there was ever a reason to immediately eliminate someone right out of the gate, friends, it is a public admittance of this.
Next up is Amber!
Amber obviously comes from a great family since they gave her the best name in the entire universe. She's 29, a business owner, and lives in Denver, CO, which means she's totally going to hook up with a bunch of former Bachelor Nation contestants after this show, because literally all of them live in either Denver or Nashville. Along with Alie, she's ALSO is a pizza lover, guysss! She's cute and used to be a competitive dancer, which means that she's probably dumb, but right now we'll withhold judgement until we see who the three people she'd have lunch with.
Oh, it's Kim Kardashian, Steve Jobs, and her grandpa?
Annaliese has a fake smile so big that it makes my cheeks hurt just looking at it:
She's 32, an event designer from San Mateo, CA, and she can't live without avocados, cheese, and ice cream, and also emotional things, like love and laughter. If she could be someone else for just one day, she'd be Tracee Ellis Ross (#respect) or Miley Cyrus or Chrissy Teigen (#respect x 2) because "they are all so fierce and confident and are not afraid to be themselves and speak their minds."
Okay, alright. Not doing totally bad so far...
If she could be a fictional character, she'd either be any Disney character that has a happily ever after with a prince (ugh) OR Leela from Futurama because she is a badass and Fry loves her to the moon and back.
Alright! I think we've got a contender!
She's 25, making everything in her bio irrelevant since she's still a fucking child.
Becca K. hails from my home state of MN:
She's 27, a publicist, and considers Country (when she's feeling sad) and the Sister Act 2 soundtrack to be the most embarrassing things she listens to. Well, actually, she doesn't think the Sister 2 Soundtrack is embarrassing at all, but her friends disagree, which probably means that she just has embarrassing taste in friends.
The five things she can't live without are "Chapstick, facial lotion, bobby pins, popcorn, and stamps" and the top three things on her bucket list are "hot-air ballooning, grape stomping, fall in love and own a house and dog with my partner".
First of all, Becca, those are FIVE things, and literally everything you listed for both categories were boring as fuck (who lists STAMPS as one of the things you can't live without?!). But you're from my hood, so I'm just going to automatically forgive you for everything because Minnesota defends its own.
Up next is someone who should probably be registering for kindergarten instead of vying for Arie's heart:
Bekah M. is a nanny from Fresno, CA, who obviously has pretentious parents and refuses to list her real age, which, according to the preview of the season, becomes a hot-button topic amongst the other girls (yawn). Could it mean that she's older than 30?!? WHAT A TWIST! Prediction: She's 19-22, but she'll defend that by telling everyone that she's already done "a lot of living" in her young life.
She's also a rock-climber with who's obviously in love with her dad, doesn't respect the value of a real meal, and loves being the center of attention. And, according to Chris Harrison, she has a "spirit and effervescence" that captures Arie's heart (meaning she's super perky and therefore fucking annoying) and that they have chemistry that gets under his skin. So he wants to do sex with her, you mean, even though she looks like a toddler? Cool. Got it.
This is Bibiana:
She's 30, from Miami, FL, loves art so much she wishes she could "be" art, doesn't even need to go out to dance because she already does it all the time, and her guilty pleasure is popping pimples which is just so fucking gross, you guys. She was also Rookie of the Year and co-captain when she was a Miami Dolphins cheerleader, even though she actually hates football (same, girl, same).
Then there's Bri:
She's 25 (riiiiiiiiight), a Sports Reporter, and comes from Grants Pass, Oregon. Based on her photo, I want to immediately dislike her, but then she said that if she could have lunch with three people, it'd be Barack Obama, her grandma and Audrey Hepburn, and she'd order a round of shots. Which I respect! Then, when she was asked if she could be someone else for just one day, who would it be, and she answered that she'd be an NFL player. "I would have been a great football player, QB or receiver." Which is literally the same thing that my best friend Karah said once, and so I will choose to love Bri the way I love Karah since they're now basically the same person.
Also, girl won an Emmy, so. Setting the bar high.
Brittane is next:
Since she's listed as "Brittane J.", that obviously means that it's pronounced "Brittney" instead of the cooler "Brit-tane", but since I hate it when moms mess up their kid's lives by giving them "unique" spellings for their names, I'm going to just pretend that it's the latter.
Anyway, she's 27, obviously ridiculously gorgeous, and is a Marketing Manager in San Diego. She'd lunch with Whitney Houston, Bernie Sanders and Beyonce, wants to open up her own wine and tapas bar, and is impressed by the smallest romantic gestures. Which, by the way, was not a part of her worst date memory, which includes a cheap restaurant, a dude who wanted to go dutch, and THEN wanted her to come over.
I FEEL YOU, BRIT-TANE.
Brittany T is also bringing the glow:
Brittany T is 30, a Tech Recruiter, hails from Columbia, South Carolina, and the past two guys she's met have been through dating apps and they've been terrible human beings (I did NOT expect to have so much in common with these ladies!). She wants to lunch it up with Beyonce, Hillary Clinton, and Chris Evans (I approve of ALL those picks, sis), and thinks that "Everything is Awesome" from The Lego Movie is the most embarrassing thing she listens to.
I got nothing.
This is Caroline:
She's 26 (suuuuure), and a realtor from Holliston, MA, who tries too hard. Case in point: She has a plant named Phil, says that if she could have lunch with three people, it'd be Vince Vaughn, Betty White, and Ryan Reynolds ; "It would be a blast of a lunch and we'd pretend it was Betty's birthday at a Hibachi restaurant!"
The other stuff she says isn't totally awful - like, she was Miss Massachusetts Teen USA in 2008, but had to quit cheerleading because she didn't have enough time for everything - #tears - but then she ends/ruins it all by saying that being married means "never being too old to be silly or dance in the rain."
I hate her.
Chelsea is 29, a Real Estate Exec. Assistant, and comes from South Portland, ME. They asked her a bunch of really boring questions - like does she prefer hot or cold weather and why...WHO THE FUCK CARES, ABC - but the one notable thing is that she hates when her date displays over-the-top PDA. "Let me breathe!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU KISS ARIE HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA
Jacqueline looks like she doesn't belong here:
She's a 26 yr old Research Coordinator (her career is VERY important to her) from Morgantown, WV, and if she won the lottery, she'd buy a penthouse in Soho, build a wild animal conservation in Africa/India, and get a pet cheetah. Her lunch dates would be David Foster Wallace, Julius Caesar, and Thomas Jefferson.
Yep. She's definitely too good for this show.
Jenna, however, looks just right for this gig!
Jenna is 28, a Social Media Manager because of course she is, and lives in Upland, IN (sorry, girl). She thinks she's passionate, funny (again, I'll be the judge of that, JENNA), and unwaveringly loyal. She once broke her wrist on a mechanical bull, loves "Friends" because it's "relatable (LOLOLOLOL), and if she could be any fruit or vegetable (fucking REALLY, ABC?!), she'd be a pineapple.
Her top all-time favorite movies include Sixteen Candles and Princess Bride, though, so she def earns some cred there.
Jenny has the excellent luck of looking almost exactly like all of Arie's ex-girlfriends:
Even though she's 25, this graphic designer from Northbrook, IL actually doesn't have horrible taste. Her favorite movies are Crazy, Stupid, Love, 21 Jump Street, and Stand by Me; her guiltiest pleasure is Sundays: "lying in bed all day, watching reality TV and eating pizza"; and if she could be fictional character, she'd be Lola Bunny because she's "good at sports and keeps up with the boys." Riding an elephant, skydiving, and cliff-jumping are the three things on her bucket list, notable mostly for the fact that she doesn't have "hot air balloon rides" like literally every other woman on here.
Jessica is next:
The "26 year old" Television Host is from Calgary, Canada builds homes from the homeless, lists so many favorite physical activities that it's annoying, and lists "Kissing" as her favorite food.
She's 26, a Creative Director from Santa Clarita, CA, and says that her "sister" said her spirit animal was a bat because "I see beauty in dark things." The most outrageous thing she's ever done is driving a car off a ramp and through the caboose of a moving train (now that is actually an outrageous thing); she loves reading and cheese; and if she could be a fictional character, she'd be James Kirk from Star Trek because "I'd love to explore crazy worlds." Also, the most romantic present she's ever gotten is an alligator hand holding an iron heart in a jar. "I collect taxidermy so it was sweet to me." Her ideal mate is tall, easy smile, "can survive a zombie apocalypse-type body" and her bucket list includes visiting Japan and going to a Hedgehog café, going scuba diving by a shipwreck, and hanging out with pigs in the Bahamas.
I don't want to say I love her yet because we all know that these things are super deceiving and she could turn out to be literally the worst human in America, but I feel like I can confidently say that so far I dislike her less than everyone else?
Krystal, on the other hand, even just LOOKS like a Krystal:
She's a 29 year old fitness coach from Missoula, MT; if she could be an animal she'd be a unicorn because "those who believe in magic will find it" (BAAAAARRRRFFFFF); Sharks and spiders are NOT her jam; she's most afraid of unused potential; and she literally writes "Thebomb.com" to describe how good of a cook she is.
I hate her. I hate her a lot. I probably hate her almost as much as Bekaaaaaahhhh, and that's a lot, guyssss.
This is Lauren B.
She's blonde and her answers are boring. Which means she'll probably make it to the end.
Lauren G. is GORGEOUS:
She's 26, an Executive Recruiter from Indianapolis, IN, would be Oprah for a day, and has visiting the pyramids in Egypt on her bucket list. The End.
Lauren J., at 33, is basically the only age-appropriate woman in this lineup:
Which means she'll probably be gone after tonight, so we should probably not even bother getting to know her and risk the danger of becoming emotionally attached.
Lauren S. is 31 but her answers belie the intelligence of someone 20 years younger!
She's a Social Media Manager who says stuff like "Goals" non-ironically, and if she could be someone else for just one day, she'd be "literally anyone in Taylor Swift's girl squad." She also thinks she's a nerd because she reads Harry Potter.
It's almost like ABC is trolling me.
Marquel is 23 and is - get this! - a MODEL (though she lists her profession as a photographer):
Marikah is a legit restaurant owner:
Who also lists her favorite movies as Beetlejuice, Dark Shadows, and Practical Magic. All of which I respect.
Nysha seems cool:
Olivia, on the other hand,
Is a woman who lists her favorite book as "Fifty Shades of Grey", which means she's basically an idiot.
Seinne is stupid gorgeous:
And actually seems relatively cool. The 27 year old Commercial Real Estate Manager from Long Beach, CA, counts her yoga mat, passport, lip gloss, sunglasses and the ocean as 5 things she can't live without; her favorite holiday is NYE because "new beginnings and lots of champagne" (same, lady); and if she won the lottery, she'd buy each of her family members their dream homes and then travel the world and do philanthropic work.
Tia, on the other hand, seems kind of dumb:
BUT, the best trip she ever took was to Cancun to a random swingers resort, which is proof-positive that being dumb can sometimes still land you a good story or two.
And last and probably least, Valerie:
The 25 year old is a server in Nashville, BUT also bought her own house in downtown Nashville before she turned 25 (I gotta move to Nashville). She also has a shitload of Halloween costumes because she's really into that stuff; she's afraid of the deep sea; and wants to be a dog so she can be spoiled and loved unconditionally. Which isn't a red flag at all!
And that's it! I'll see you lovers later tonight for the season premiere, where I'll be live-tweeting all the shiz over @amber_lcarter. I'm also gonna try to do some Snapping (acbruhaha) and Insta-Storying (@amber_lcarter) if you want to follow along on those channels.
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Until next time, lovers...