Amber L. Carter
Writer. Professional Intuitive. International Fashion Model.
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[Bachelor Monday Rewind] 'The Bachelor' S17 E10: Finale...I'm Dumping You, But I Also Love You

Well, my friends, our amazing journey has come to an end on The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, & You!

This will be a very special recap...I'll mostly just hit the high points, since last night I had to mix Advil with some wine so I could suffer through the pain of breaking my ass long enough to make it through the THREE HOURS of this season's Final Rose/After The Rose episode...so I don't really remember a lot of specific dialogue???

And was there a talking alligator that hopped up onto Sean's deck to give him advice during the deliberations? Was that real? And what about Barney coming back to sing the "I Love You" song after Sean gave Catherine the final rose? That was awesome! And then he gave them a ride to McDonalds on his back?! Talk about a twist on the ol' sunset/declarations of love that usually happen after the proposal!

So yeah, let's get to it, because I've only got two hours left of this last dose of pain meds, and then after that, this girl is hopping a sleepy train to codine-dream town.

More totally coherent points and intelligent choices after the jump! 

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Sean's adorable family arrives, Catherine meets them (wearing a slightly more boobalicious dress than I might have advised for meeting the parents), they love her - Sean's dad even tells her that if she becomes a part of the family, he'll be her biggest fan, which was just like, THE BEST thing you could say to Catherine, considering her sad dad stuff - and then she's shuffled off into an SUV so Sean and his family can talk about her, even though this part is always irrelevant because it never really matters what the family thinks, so I almost don't even know why we do this part anymore.

The next day Lindsay comes, she's cute, the family likes her, but it's obvious to me that they're not as "YES" about her as they are about Catherine. Lindsay cries when Sean's dad - who is ADORABLE, right? I'm just gonna pull a straight-up AshLee and say that I love that man - tells her that he and Sean's mom have been praying for Sean's wife, and then Lindsay asks him for his blessing when it comes to her and Sean getting engaged, which is surprising but also kind of cool.

She leaves and Sean and his mom talk about him maybe proposing to one of them. Sean's mom doesn't think that Sean needs to be proposing to either one of them just yet, and Sean says the very adult thing and tells her that while he values her opinions, what he really needs from her right now is her support. Sean's mom cries ("This is such a big step") - this was a very weepy episode - and Sean acts like the most amazing son ever by suggesting that they go for a walk and then telling us that it tears him apart when his mom cries, and it's just like, UGH. SEAN. You are perfect.

So then the next day it's time for his last date with Lindsay. They go on another tropical riverboat cruise of love, which is boring, and then they hang out in someone's hotel room while they drink champagne and talk about how much Lindsay loves Sean, which is also boring. She mentions that one of the reasons why Sean and her kiss all the time is because it's the one way that Sean can really express his emotions to her, which is kind of troubling because I could say the same thing about me and all my boyfriends, only we're not together anymore for that very reason.  

The next day is Sean's date with Catherine. They ride an elephant (guys, DON’T do this - those elephants have often been kidnapped from their families - and they legit experience have the same kind of emotional separation trauma that a human child would have - and are then tortured and mistreated to make them submit to riders, which is unnatural and painful for them SO PLEASE STOP SUPPORTING THIS WITH YOUR TOURISM MONEY. Visit an elephant sanctuary instead where you still get to interact with the animals but in a totally kind and wonderful way) and then hang out at someone's hotel room and Catherine expresses herself to Sean better than she really ever has before, but at the end she's feeling really sensitive and insecure about him not being able to give her reassurance, and she does that thing where she goes to find him after he leaves and she cries and they hug and he touches her butt and it's a pretty good indication of who he's going to pick.

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The next day! This is it! Sean - shirtless - stands at a balcony and stares pensively out at the horizon, except that he doesn't cry, which is way different than when Jason did it on The Bachelor: Jason Cries.

Neil Lane comes to talk about the ring, which is the MOST BORING PART OF THE SEASON EVER, EXCEPT! When Sean picks out a cushion cut, which makes me roar with laughter, because HAHAHAHA that the kind of ring that Lifetime Original Movie AshLee wanted, and SHE DIDN'T GET IT BECAUSE SHE'S CRAZY.

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Proposal time! Lindsay's the first one out of the limo, which doesn't always mean they're the one to get dumped, but in this case, it does, because Sean dumps her. This is also the part where a lot of us start crying, because Lindsay is so obviously heartbroken but she takes it like a champ and it just makes me want to cry thinking about it because it was just one of those moments that prove that while this show may be a joke for a lot of us (raises hand), it's serious and emotional business for others. Sean tells her that he is in love with her, but that when it comes down to it, his emotions are stronger for Catherine, and Lindsay's like, "Okay, well I'm gonna go now." Then she takes off her heels, which is so perfect - YOU DON'T GET TO HAVE HER IN HEELS ANYMORE, SEAN! Also, that silver dress she wore was super awesome, for the record.

So Lindsay leaves, Sean goes back to his Marriage Podium, and Chris delivers a letter. There's been a ton of speculation over this letter, and my stance was that 1) It was from Emily, doing that thing that they do all the time where the original love of the current Bachelor's life comes and they try to make it look like they're coming back for the guy but really they're just there to offer some really lukewarm and unhelpful "Trust your heart" advice. OR, 2) It was from one of the girls and it was totally innocuous - a "Hey, by the way, I love you and I hope you choose me!"

Earlier during the episode, Emily tweeted that the letter wasn't from her, so I was pretty sure it was #2. I was right - it was from Catherine, who wrote it to express more of her feelings.

Catherine walks toward Sean in an amazing gold dress, I feel a wave of vindication from her being my #1 pick this entire season, and then I watch their proposal, which is sweet but also kind of funny because Catherine looks like she's having an orgasm during the entire duration of it. 

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She accepts his proposal AND his final rose, they hop onto an elephant (noooooooo), and then ride off into a sunset of dreams and nationally televised weddings and perfectly toned bodies.

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THEN! It's AFTER THE FINAL ROSE. That tricky Chris kept trying to make us think that there were going to be a bunch of bombshells on this portion of the finale, but there weren't. AshLee got a really great ombre dye job, Lindsay looked cute but got really annoying with her constant "Why" questions to Sean, Catherine looked ADORABLE and Sean and her announced that they're ready to get it on with this wedding thing which makes total sense because they're not going to have sex until they do. And then Des was announced as the next Bachelorette, which annoyed me until she started crying and I noticed that her bangs are gone, and then I wasn't so annoyed anymore.

SO! Here's my final take on both this season and the next:

1) I think Sean and Catherine are going to make it. I really, really do. I know the odds are stacked against them, but one of the reasons why she was my #1 pick for Sean is that they have the important stuff - they have a lot of fun together, and seem to bring out that part of each other that's so key...that thing where, the moment you're back together is the moment when the party starts. Also, how the hell would you ever get tired of looking at that face? She is so freaking ADORABLE. And while, yes, she seems to have some issues with intimacy and feeling emotionally vulnerable, I think that speaks to Sean's more masculine side and will actually keep him more interested and intrigued by her.

2) Des as Bachelorette: I'm annoyed. I really wanted Lesley M, even though I knew deep down they weren't going to pick her (they don't really tend to go for The Funny when it comes to Bachelor/Bachelorette). Des is a good choice for the franchise, because just like The Bachelorette Who Still Bugs Me More Than Any Others, she's a lot like Ali: Pretty, well-spoken, stylish, relateable to all demographics, thinks she's funny but she's not really that funny, etc. What I was hoping would happen, though, was for One-Armed Sarah to be made Bachelorette. I know that her insecurity about her arm would have bugged people the way that AshLee's constant psychotherapy sessions bugged me, but I thought it would have been a really bold and gutsy move to pick her and use the show as a vehicle to find her someone.

BUT - I also realize that the fact that I'm not already in love with Des is also going to make it really fun to recap her show. So there's also that. .

The new season is slated for May, and you bet your ass that I'll be back with weekly recaps. Until then, my friends...thanks for all the watching and reading! And remember...life might not be all champagne, hot tubs, and unrealistic tropical-getaway fantasy dates...but it should be.

Originally published March 12, 2013