Amber L. Carter
Writer. Professional Intuitive. International Fashion Model.
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[Bachelor Monday Rewind] 'The Bachelor' S17 Episode 7: Welcome to St. Cry!

Welcome to Episode 7 of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, and You!

This week we find Sean and the girls on the tropical island of St. Cry Croix, where dates both boring and more boring happen among the bikinis and crying!

Ready? More after the jump!

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This week's journey begins with Sean flying into St. Croix with the six remaining women. Everyone's excited to be there - Lifetime Original Movie AshLee is excited to be in her swimsuit, and for Sean to be in his swimsuit, which is code for "I wanna do him in the water."

The girls arrive at their lodging, and it's gorgeous. Temper Tantrum Tierra is excited to sleep on a cot, because she doesn't like girls who like her boyfriend, and she's not going to share rooms with them. But please remember that she's sensitive and has a big heart and is a really nice girl. AND, she also considers herself top priority when it comes to getting a one-on-one with Sean this week, because of course she does.

Date card! It's for AshLee. Tierra's bitch face is the BEST. AshLee leaves to go get ready, and as she walks out of the room, Tierra sings, "The cougar's back in town" to the tune of "The Boys Are Back In Town." All the girls are like, what? So Tierra, being a total moron, sings it again, and then explains to us that AshLee is 32, and when Tierra is 32 she wants to be married and have kids and be set. BECAUSE IT'S THAT EASY, EVERYBODY. YOU JUST PICK AN AGE YOU WANT TO BE MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS AND BE SET BY, AND IT HAPPENS. 

Let's Get Carried Away...Physically. And Emotionally. Also, Mentally. And Maybe...Sexually. 

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The theme of Sean and AshLee's date is "Let's get carried away". AshLee is excited about this, because it's so easy to get carried away with Sean...not just physically, but also emotionally. Sean and AshLee meet up at the beach on their date, and Sean tells AshLee that they're going to take a catamaran to their own private island. What a great idea! Let's take the girl who was abandoned as a child to a deserted island! 

So Sean and AshLee both talk to us about AshLee's vulnerability and abandonment issues, but no one's really paying attention because WHOA. TALK ABOUT A SLAMMIN' BODY ON THAT GIRL ASHLEE. Seriously, even though I think AshLee is primed to be a central character in a Lifetime Original Movie, her bikini body is so hot even I wanna do her. AshLee tells us that "it feels good to finally open up to someone, but it's also terrifying". And that's the exact moment when we all know that she's going to get her heart totally broken by him.

Plus, they seem a little awkward together on this date...like too much time has passed since they've been alone together.

Meanwhile, back at the free luxury tropical lodging that the girls are staying in, the other girls sit around in their perfect bikini bodies and all talk about whether or not AshLee is going to talk to Sean about Tierra, because even though Tierra is sensitive and has such a big heart, they just want to sabotage what she has with Sean because other girls can totally do that. Lesley wants to "roll away her rollaway bed into the freaking ocean", because she's awesome.

AshLee and Sean are on the beach, and Sean asks AshLee, "Yo, what's the 411?", and AshLee's like, "Do you really want the 411?" and Sean's like, "Yeah, give me the 411", so AshLee's like, "Okay, I'ma give you the 411!" AshLee tells Sean that Tierra is a totally different girl around Sean than she is in the house, that she's rude and wears pouty pants. Sean's like, "Thank you for telling me that Tierra wears pouty pants" and AshLee's like, "Boy you know it's true" and he's like, "Yeah girl, I know it's true" and then slow jam music comes on and they start kissing in the sand while waves wash over them and then Color Me Badd comes out to the beach cabanas and starts singing about adoring me amour.

Back at the free tropical luxury lodging, Tierra tells us that Sean told her that he had something special for her. The date card arrives, and it's finally a one-on-one for Tierra. "Let's explore our love on the streets of St. Croix."

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So then this chick straight up starts complaining about having to walk around all day with the bugs and heat and getting all sweaty. She complains to the girls about how she thought her date with Sean would be something else, because she loves boating and being on the water and they're somewhere tropical, etc. "She finally gets a date and all she does is complain about it," Lesley sighs. "I hate that bitch." 

I LOVE LESLEY.

Sean and AshLee have their dinner date on the beach. Sean asks her if there's something that he doesn't know about her yet. She says yes, actually, and tells us that this might be a make or break for them, and that she's scared about this being a break. She tells him that it has something to do with Hometown Dates, and I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, wondering if this is the part where she finally tells him that she doesn't really have an adopted family, or at least not anymore, because THEY'RE ALL DEAD FROM A MYSTERIOUS ACCIDENT THAT HAPPENED YEARS AGO.

So she tells him that there's one more thing he should know, and he looks terrified. She really wants to breeze through this, she says and be done with it, but then she drags it out FOR FOREVER. Finally, it comes out that 15 years ago, she was in high school and she was having a hard time with her mom and dad, so she decided to go off and marry her high school boyfriend when she was 17. They had been going out since she was a freshman, and got divorced when she was senior. And everyone in the world is like, "That's it? Sean is like, "Whoa, you were a married high school junior? That's young." Ashlee tells him that she doesn't want to be this broken girl that comes to him and that she didn't want to ruin their date, and now she feels like she did. Sean tells her that he had no idea what she was going to say, and that he thought she was going to tell him something terrible. He thinks she's perfect just the way she is, and she's certainly not broken. OMG HE IS THE MOST PERFECT GUY EVER. Even with girls who use their entire dates as a form of therapy, he's still awesome and cool and super sweet and understanding.

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Then they start yelling on the beach. I'm not sure why because I'm so bored at this point in the date, but I do catch the part where he looks at her and asks her, "What else you got?" She responds by yelling, "I LOVE SEAN!" and it's kind of spontaneous and cute, but then she ruins it by following it up with telling us that she loves this man, and she will never stop telling him. She will never stop telling him...

Tierra's Thin Line Between Excited and Evil

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Before their one-on-one date, Sean tells us that he wants to find out during their date whether Tierra is the girl he thinks she is, or if she's really not a nice girl like everyone else says.

They go shopping for body lotion, you guys. They're in St. Croix, exploring the town, and Tierra makes him smell soaps and body lotions with her. Then she tells us that Sean bought her the most incredible things that anyone could buy a girl on the first date: an eternity bracelet, which according to Tierra - who's smart, remember?! - means love is forever. They buy matching necklaces, too! Whoa, watch out everyone! Romance, thy name is jewelry bought from street vendors on tropical islands!

A dancing parade starts coming down the street. Tierra gets this look on her face that looks EXACTLY the way a spoiled three year old gets when she sees a new Barbie - all scrunched up and spastic and kind of demonic-scary, because with Tierra, it's almost impossible to tell between excited and evil, mostly because to her it's the exact same thing. "BEST DAY EVER!" she screams, as she grabs Sean and begins to strangle him. She is blown away and breathless, she tells us, because she loves to dance and have fun and breath air and drink water and be with Sean. Sean says her energy is off the charts: she's having so much fun, he says, and mistakes what's really demonic possession for enthusiasm. 

Back at the house. AshLee tells them that she had a talk with Sean about Tierra and the fact that she thinks that Tierra just isn't happy and is kind of a miserable person, especially here. Lesley says that Sean really needs this time to see Tierra for who she is, to evaluate her for who she is...or at least, she hopes that's what will happen. And everyone else in America does too, even though all evidence and history points to the contrary.

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Sean and Tierra get cones and sit down on some steps. Sean brings up the house. Tierra tells him it's difficult, that the other girls don't accept her and that they've been pissed off at her since she's gotten that first rose. She makes it sound like they've been mean to her and left her out. He asks her: if she could do it again, would she act differently to the other girls. She says no, and that it doesn't matter because these girls won't be around much longer. WRONG ANSWER, and it's obvious that Sean thinks so, too. He gave her a chance to at least take some responsibility for her actions, and she totally blew it.

Moonlight over the ocean! Must be a dinner date... Sean and Tierra are in some sugar mill somewhere, and Sean asks Tierra if she had a good day. Tierra tells him that she's going to be honest about the fact that she feels there's a little distance between them. And once again, she turns an innocent question into a total guilt trip. Sean tells us that he didn't see her response coming because he didn't feel the distance, but looking back, he guesses that he was probably distant after spending a day with AshLee and her influencing his feelings toward Tierra. He tells Tierra that he doesn't feel like the distance between them was because of their lack of one-on-ones...instead, he points out, he thinks it's all the drama in the house that's put them a little behind. OH SNAP!  

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Somehow, from this, Tierra surmises that one of the girls threw her under the bus. And she can't BELIEVE that ANYONE had the NERVE to throw her under the bus, but she can do the same thing right back! Because that's the most mature response to it, obviously. So Tierra tells Sean that she's falling in love with him. Sean tells us that he has come to the conclusion that she's probably not that nice to other women, but that she's being genuine when she tells him her feelings for him. Which is what every guy ever says when he's in love with a crazy bitch - that she might be a bitch to everyone else, but she's real when it comes to him, at least until she burns his house down and ruins his credit and kidnaps his kids in a jealous rage. 

Sunrise, Sunset

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Sean shows up super early to surprise the girls and to take pictures of them without their makeup. He tells us that he knows girls hate being seen without their makeup on, but that he really wants to see what the girls look like without it, and he just hopes that nobody hits him. So he sneaks in, takes pictures, and Lindsay yells that she's naked, which is hilarious. Catherine, of course, still looks totally beautiful.

Sean, Des, Lindsay, and Catherine hop in a jeep for their group date and go to see the sunrise over the ocean. They are as far east as you can possible go in the US, so they're the first people in the US to see the sunrise. It's pretty awesome, especially because someone also brought mimosas. Then Sean tells the girls that they're also going to see the sunset: they're going on a road trip that will take them on the other side of the island and explore the sights along the way. 

It's boring. They go to some bar, and then they go back to the sugar mill that Sean took Tierra to the night before, like all, "Hey, this is it. This is the sugar mill I took Tierra to on our date last night. Hope you girls like it, too." They pet some animals, drive some more, go to a tree house, make their way through a rain forest...and I'm like, how can you do all this different stuff and have it look so boring?! 

All the girls know that hometown dates are coming up, so time is of the essence. Lindsay notes that Des is making the most of her time with Sean, that she's jumping into shot gun a lot more than the other girls, and trying to pull Sean away from the group, and that it's annoying. And that's totally the thing with Des - the moment I start to think that she might not be that bad, she starts doing shit that would TOTALLY drive me up the wall, too, if I had to be in the same space with her. Des, for her part, tells us that she'll do anything to spend time with Sean and that she deserves the rose. New pet peeve: I HATE when any of the girls say that they "deserve" the rose. That's like me saying I deserve a thousand dollars. It's the luck of the draw, kids - you're already getting free luxury lodging, world travel, fun cocktail parties, dream dates, and now you "deserve" a rose? SHUT YOUR FACE.

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The group date lands at the beach. Lindsay and Sean have their one-on-one time, and it's cute and pretty obvious that Sean is going to meet her family next week during Hometown Dates. Catherine and Sean have their time together, and they're so, sooo perfect together - their conversation is so natural, their body language is so perfect...it's kind of like Brad and Emily, where you start to get more enamored with the girl than you are with the actual Bachelor. Catherine and Sean discuss Hometown Dates, and Catherine tells Sean that her dad won't be there, because he's in China. When she was younger, her dad had a suicide attempt in front of her and her sisters, and I think he got deported? I couldn't quite catch the other details about that, but it sounded pretty awful. And while Catherine's telling Sean, you can tell her voice is breaking a little bit, but she holds it together, and again, she comes through as the girl who's gone through some major trauma but just comes out winning. And she's not trying to tell Sean about it because she wants him to save her or heal her or feel sorry for her - she tells him that she just needed him to know that so he didn't come to her house and was like, "Okay, so where's your dad."

I LOVE that girl. 

Meanwhile, back at the free tropical luxury lodging, AshLee and Lesley talk about Tierra. BUT WAIT! TIERRA CAN HEAR EVERYTHING THEY'RE SAYING!

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AshLee and Lesley agree that the group has grown closer because of Tierra being a psycho, and AshLee tells Lesley that she doesn't think that Tierra will confront her about "stuff" (aka, talking to Sean about Tierra). But what AshLee doesn't know is that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!, according to Tierra.

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Back to the group date: The gang is all sitting on the beach, and Sean pulls out the rose. Everyone thinks he's going to give it to Catherine, Des thinks he's going to give it to her, but instead, he gives it to Lindsay. Which is a surprise, really, even to Lindsay: "The crazy girl who walked in with a wedding dress now has a hometown rose!" Des tells us that she is "shocked, to be honest", because of course she is. Sean tells the girls that they gotta catch the sunset, and Des jumps up, kicks sand in all their faces, and screams, "THERE IS NO SUNSET, SEAN! WE WILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER SUNSET EVER AGAIN!" and then storms off to find a tent to live in by herself for the rest of her life.

Sean and Lesley's Secret Garden

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Sean tells us that his date with Lesley isn't going to do the big production: he's just going to take her somewhere beautiful and serene and just talk. Sean really likes Lesley, but he feels he needs to spend time with her because their relationship is not where it should be in compared to his feelings with other girls. Lesley shows up, and she looks BEAUTIFUL. Lelsey tells us that she's watched this show for years and she sees all these girls say "I love you" and she always thought they were such fools...but now she's here, and now she doesn't think they're such fools, because now she knows exactly how they feel because it's happening to her, too. 

Sean asks her who he'll be meeting in Arkansas. She tells him that they'll probably be going to their lake house and he'll meet the four members of her family. She can see him fitting in so seamlessly it's weird. He asks her if there's anything he should know before they take that step. She talks about how scary it is when she thinks about her feelings for him. She tells him that she can see him as her best friend, but that they also have such great chemistry. She tells us that she wants to tell him that she has feelings for him, but she wants it to feel right and wants it to be natural, and that it just doesn't feel that way right now. So instead they go and pick more fruit, and it's pretty boring, actually. Sean notes that when they talk, Lesley won't make make eye contact with him, and that there isn't a lot of physical affection, which is weird, since she seems so confident in every other area of her life but seems so nervous about him. So naturally, to make her feel more comfortable, he corners her on a fence. She makes eye contact with him and talks about the natural progression of their relationship. Sean notes that the romance is there once she gets comfortable, but that it just takes a little while to get there. And that's when we're all pretty sure that she's going to go home.

Also, that was it. That was their date. No romantic dinner? Just walking around some abandoned rum factory and picking fruit? YA BLEW IT AGAIN, date planners!

#ShitGirlsWhoAreNotHereToMakeFriendsSay

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Sean feels like he needs some hard core advice on the six women still left. He's got to cut two girls loose that night, and he has no idea what to do, so he invites his sister to come and give him some advice. Sean's sister is cool. She tells him that their family is just concerned that they'll watch the show and watch him pick the girl that they're like, "noooo.” "And a couple of Bachelors have ended up picking that girl," she points out to him, and then coughs "Ben" and "Jake" really loudly.

SHE'S TALKING ABOUT TIERRA, SEAN! THE GIRL THAT YOUR FAMILY WILL WATCH ON THE SHOW AND BE LIKE "NOOOO, DON'T PICK HER"? THAT'S TIERRA. SHE'S TALKING ABOUT TIERRA. IT'S TIERRA THAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT.

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Speaking of the devil, Tierra decides to confront AshLee about AshLee talking to Sean about her. Tierra tells AshLee that she thinks a couple of girls in the house have sabotaged her. Ashlee asks who. Tierra can't even name anyone."If you wanna git nitty gritty, we'll git nitty gritty," AshLee tells Tierra. She tells Tierra that she liked her in the beginning and was soft with her at first, but that's changed. Tierra yells that other girls are jealous of her because men love her. Then Tierra throws down the 32 years old thing again, telling AshLee that, by the time that Tierra is 32, she wants to already be married and have kids and be settled and not be on a show like this, and AshLee nods her head and smiles, and it's kind of AshLee's golden moment, because she's just sitting back and letting Tierra dig her own grave like a total moron. 

Sean and his sister keep talking about Tierra, and Sean tells his sister a couple of the things that have happened concerning Tierra and drama in the house. "What is the one thing your sister told you before you left?" his sister asks. "Don't end up with the girl no one likes," Sean replies. 

In a case of perfect timing, we go back to the house to see Tierra tell AshLee that Tierra is a 24 year old woman, she doesn't have time to sit around and talk about high school stuff, that she's above everyone, and that she is done with this. And with that, she stands up and storms off like a 12 year old, which is just so, so great. GOD, that girl is such a spoiled brat...

But wait! It's not over! AshLee goes into a bedroom and talks to Lesley and Catherine about the conversation, so of course Tierra storms in and starts mouthing off about it. AshLee tells Tierra that she thinks that she's rude, and Tierra tells her that she knows in her skin that she is NOT rude. AshLee brings up the fact that she'll greet Tierra in the morning or ask her questions and Tierra will just ignore her or stare at her and raise her eyebrow at her. "I can't control my eyebrow! I can't control what my eyebrow does, Ashlee. That's my face! I can't help what my face does. I have had no botox. I can't control what my face does 24/7 or else my face would get freaking tired!" 

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Yeah. Just let that sink in for a minute. Let it just wash over you...

AshLee points out that Tierra told them that her parents were worried about her coming because she couldn't get along with other girls. Tierra yells, "NO, that's not what they said! They said, "Tierra, you have a sparkle, you have a SPARKLE, don't let those girls take your sparkle." 

And suddenly it all becomes clear, doesn't it? Because now we know exactly what kind of girl Tierra is because now we know exactly what kind of parents she has. Oy.

Meanwhile, back on Sanity Beach and in a moment of perfect/horrible timing depending on who you ask, Sean tells his sister that he's going to go get Tierra and the three of them can sit down and then his sister can see what she thinks of Tierra for herself.

Tierra still won't let AshLee talk, because she's a nice girl and nice friend. "You can't just be a woman and drop it" even though I keep yelling at you and making up awful defenses for all your accusations. Finally she storms off again, Sean walks in, and he finds her sitting on her Nice Girl Cot, fake-crying. Seriously, the girl is fake-crying AGAIN! "Why is this happening?" she asks Sean. "This is just hard for me Sean, and you know that," she wails. "I'm so sensitive and I have such a big heart but I'm so sensitive in this process and I don't know how to take it." Tierra uses the whole "I'm so sensitive and I have such a big heart" thing a lot. "I have such a big heart" thing is the same as calling yourself a trendsetter - you don't get to say that about yourself, and when people do, it usually means it's not true. But anyway - so she says a bunch of other shiz about the girls sabotaging her and throwing her under the bus and it's not her fault because nothing ever is and she's just sensitive and they just don't get that, blah blah blah. And you can almost see Sean mentally backing away from her...slowly, the way you would with a killer bear or a wolf or a person with rabies.

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So Sean tells her that he'll be back, and he goes outside and thinks about how he cares about Tierra and doesn't want her to cry, but on the other hand his sister warned him about going for the girl who cannot get along with other girls. He goes back in, tells her that he was going to introduce her to his sister, but that since this whole thing is so hard on her and since he cares about her, he thinks it might be best if she goes home now to get ready for Bachelor Pad. She starts bawling. Everyone in America cheers. SEE YA LATER, SPARKLES!

So he walks her out, and while he notes that it was a hard decision, he tells us that it finally clicked that she's not the one for him, and he's gotta send her home. Right before he helps her into the van, he tells her, "I think the world of you, I really do." "Obviously not enough," she snaps, in a show of great class and maturity.

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She starts bawling as the van pulls away, and starts screaming stuff like "I can't believe they did this to me!" We see the whole production crew jumping up and down in the background, cheering. "I hope those girls got what they wanted." YEP! They sure did! "I tell myself going into here," Tierra says, as the van speeds away, "I'm not letting anyone take away my sparkle."

Aw, that's cute. Just wait until the "Women Tell Al.l" Then you'll REALLY have to worry about that sparkle, pouty pants. 

The Cocktail Party That Wasn't

The girls show up for the cocktail party, noting that Tierra's been gone for hours. Sean walks in and announces that Tierra went home tonight. He tells them that he had a moment of clarity and realized that she was not going to be his wife. "Tierra was obviously a source of drama," he tells them, "and to be honest, I'm not looking for that in my partner."  Looks right at AshLee. He tells them that he also felt clarity about his final decision tonight, and as difficult as it is, that there will not be a cocktail party that night. 

Catherine says that she did not expect that at all. AshLee is freaking out, worrying that Sean's comment about the drama means that he's going to send AshLee home. She says some more stuff about having a troubled childhood and being abandoned, blah blah blah, and we all kind of start wishing that he will send her home so we can stop having to be a part of her therapy sessions.

Chris greets the ladies at the rose ceremony and tells them that this is a big night: Hometown Dates are next, and while four of them will be taking Sean home to meet their families, one of them will be saying goodbye tonight. AshLee is freaking out, because she's never wants to bring confusion to this man or hurt to him...and she doesn't want to go home without him! The music is so dramatic - Lifetime Original Movie music FOR SURE, which is perfect, because they can later use this same exact music for AshLee's movie.

The ceremony begins. Sean gives a rose to Des, then Catherine. Lindsay already has one from her group date with him, so it's down to Lesley and AshLee. He picks AshLee, which means that Lesley is going home.

AshLee tells us that this rose that Sean just gave her is one that she can trust, and that she can't even describe the overwhelming love she has for him: "This is my husband," she whispers. "And love does conquer all."

Seriously. Right?! I'm not even a little bit wrong about this, am I? I could write the whole movie RIGHT NOW! Just using lines she's already said this season! It's like she's just dropping them into my lap, like Lifetime Original Movie diamonds for my screenwriting crown. 

Lesley and Sean walk out and say goodbye. Lesley says some stuff about rejection and hurt, and I feel really bad for her, but at the same time - it's Lesley. She freaking kicks ASS. She's super pretty, her fashion sense is rad, and she's hilarious. If she's not the next Bachelorette, she's going to be scooped up in no time. 

Catherine, however, is really upset. She was really close to Lesley, and also feels like they were the most similar in the house...therefore, she says, if Sean doesn't want Lesley, then she doesn't know what she's doing here. "My beliefs are shattered about what he wants."  And while I think this is weird - if he doesn't want your friend, then he doesn't want you?! - everyone watching with a brain knows that she has nothing to worry about. 

Next week it's Hometown Dates, where we get to go to each girl's hometown and judge their houses and families based on deceptive foreshadowing and creative editing! Can't wait! 

Originally published February 12, 2013