[Bachelor Monday Rewind] 'The Bachelor' S17 Intro: The Original Virgin Bachelor
Friends…another season of The Bachelor is neigh.
And I gotta tell you…I’m no longer into it.
As those of you who follow my #TheBachelor live-tweeting already know, I’ve grown increasingly irritated with The Bachelor franchise. I’ve been watching this show from the very beginning (#softbrag), and lately it seems like everything that once made this show TV gold is pretty much gone.
Back in the day, the show revolved around a well-educated, accomplished, successful Bachelor who had everything else going for him - except for love. He had everything to offer the right woman, but he just hadn’t found her yet! Which was his whole reason for going on the show - he was ready to settle down, because he already had so much to settle down to. And thus, enter in 28 beautiful, accomplished, eligible Bachelorettes of a marriageable age who were also ready to settle down with the right person. Sprinkle in just the right amount of production set-up so that everything was snowflakes, hot tubs, and champagne tongue-kisses, and you had solid gold appointment television.
But more and more, The Bachelor insists on changing the main ingredients that made this show what it was in the beginning. Instead of plucking an actual eligible Bachelor from near obscurity, instead the franchise insists on picking some man-boy from the previous season who literally doesn’t have anything else going for him other than being on this show and can easily find the right girl (or at least 100 girls for right now) just by looking at their Instagram DMs (and don’t get me started on the whole “fan favorite” thing. Bachelor Nation, you have AWFUL taste in some of your fan favorites. Luke fucking Pell?!!?! The guy couldn’t even form a full sentence on the show, and has since shown himself to be utter and complete trash in literally every way possible). The standard I hold for my Real Housewives is also the standard I hold for my Bachelor…if you do not already have a glamorous and affluent lifestyle to which I aspire, then I personally do not care to waste my previous DVR space with your Scottsdale Townhouse bullshit.
And the contestants…look. When I was 23, I also thought I was ready to get married. Heck, I was even secretly engaged to my boyfriend at the time! And do you know why it was a secret? BECAUSE WE KNEW DEEP DOWN THAT WE WERE TOO F*CKING YOUNG TO GET MARRIED, THAT’S WHY. Whilst Baby Bekah may have proven the entire Bachelor Nation wrong by immediately becoming a mom and committed partner after her season ended, I HAVE HAD IT with the producers casting women younger than 24 for this show.
And sure…we’ve all heard the same “But what’s wrong with dating for a while and then getting married? What’s wrong with taking some time to get to know each other better, first?” THAT IS NOT THE GODDAMN POINT OF THIS SHOW. The point is that you meet someone on the show, you propose to them for real at the finale, and then six months later we get to watch your blow-out televised-and-paid-for-by-ABC Bachelor wedding. THE WHOLE POINT is giving us a chance to watch the finale and be all, “Wow, did they really fall in love after only knowing each other for 12 weeks? And now they’re engaged?! And now they’re going to get married?!?!? ROMANCE THY NAME IS THE BACHELOR!!!!”
If this show was about meeting someone whom you could see yourself dating for the next four years because you’re not quite ready to settle down yet, then…then nothing. None of us would f*cking watch that show. And also I’m going to start suing every single Bachelor and Bachelorette who does that to us, because that’s actually fraud and I didn’t just give you three hours out of my Monday nights for months just for you to take it slow.
So no more, my friends. NO MORE. With this season’s choice of a young, boring, flip-flopping virgin Bachelor whom I’m not even sure likes girls, I’m out. I’m not even gonna pretend that I’ll try to recap this new season.
But I can’t just give up on the whole thing, because to be honest, it’s become such a part of my life for so long that I don’t even know who I am without The Bachelor. And that’s something that me and my therapist obviously need to explore further, but for now, I’m just going to make a compromise and convince myself and my concerned family members that it’s the healthy thing to do.
So instead of recapping Colton and his baby non-brides, I’m going back to the golden years of The Bachelor and reviving Bachelor Monday Rewind.
Back, my friends, to the season of the original Virgin Bachelor (and, it must be said, my absolute favorite Bachelor ever): Sean Lowe.
…Also, please allow me this opportunity to remind everyone of that time I found a ghost haunting in him a pic of him and Catherine at an In-n-Out - which makes it only the third time I’ve spotted a legit ghost in a celeb photo SOMEBODY GIVE YOUR GIRL A SHOW ALREADY.
Whether you’re in the mood to relive the vintage classics of this long-running franchise or you’re curious about what this show used to be, I invite you to take a walk down the helicopter -and-hot-tub-ridden memory lane with me every Monday morning, right here on the blog, where I’ll be re-posting all the original recaps I wrote for that season. You can also follow along by watching Season 17 here!
Ready to go back? Strap on that Flux Capacitor and drop into the cool waters of the original season introduction below!
Originally published September 26, 2012
Sean - or as I like to call him, Yawn-a-Sean - has been announced as the new Bachelor!
I like Sean. He's super cute, the boy knows how to kiss, and he's actually kind of funny, sometimes. Also, he took Emily dumping him (AFTER she hounded him to "open up" to her about his feelings for her) like a total class-act champ. Also, I don't think we even need to talk about how good he looks with his shirt off.
Okay, everybody. Get back to work and try to focus through your overwhelming excitement. You've got a job to do. You can't lose it just because Sean is the new Bachelor! What would your family say? How would you live with yourself? You've got enough riding on this job as it is...you can't afford to mess it up just because a Golden Boy from Texas with some sweet Southern charm and a killer bod is going to be drinking champagne and jumping half-naked into hot tubs all season long! You've got to concentrate - this isn't the time to be thinking about Sean taking a girl into his arms in some back ally somewhere and laying a passionate mouth-massage on her, then lifting her up and pressing her up against the wall, showing us juuuuust enough of what it would be like to give in on our 90 Day Rule with him in a hot hotel suite somewhere. Because who needs Rules?! Am I right, ladies? Who needs rules when you can have passion...with someone who's also safe, and loves the idea of marriage and family, and who will make you feel like you just got carried away in the moment instead of making you feel like they kind of know that you do this type of thing all the time even though you've perfected your sexy yet slightly sheepish "Oh my gosh, I never do this type of thing..." protestation that you always utter at just the right moment...like when he's scooping you up from the kitchen counter and carrying you into the bedroom. The way Sean would do. I bet he could lift a girl up and carry her into a bedroom somewhere...and I bet he could do that all the time, instead of just once in a while, like after he's been in the gym for a week and wants to impress you so he can finally seal the deal on this thing. Sean would probably do that sort of Sweeping Romantic Gesture with everything. Sean's probably perfect, everybody.
So anyway, guys. Let's get back to our regular, boring, straight up 9-5, doin-the-same-thing-I-did-yesterday work and return back to our regularly-scheduled, nothing-ever-changes, when's-it-gonna-be-MY-turn-for-romance lives!
Got a fever for more Sean? Then I’ve got the cure:
I’m doing a BACHELOR-THEMED GIVEAWAY!!!
To win a glossy hardcover copy of Sean Lowe’s autobiography FOR THE RIGHT REASONS, subscribe to my email list below! I only send you the best content every week, I never spam, AND it lands in your inbox on Sunday morning, making it a totally appropriate, much more affordable, completely comparable substitute for the New York Times Sunday Edition!
If you’re already subscribed - no sweat, you’re already entered into the giveaway!
The winner will be drawn at random on Monday, January 28th, and will be announced here on the blog (and by me personally slidin’ into your email!)! Winner has 72 hours from the time they are notified to accept their prize, otherwise another winner will be chosen at random.
Your Friend, Amber