'The Bachelor', Season 22, Episode 1, Part 2: Arie's Pulse Is Soarin', Champagne Be Pourin', and a Limo Full of Laurens!
And now it's (finally) the moment we've all been waiting for, lovers - the part in the show when the limos arrive and we immediately make judgements about a woman's intelligence, depth, and character based on the stupid gags she's been pushed to do by the producers!
Dreams Can Come True, It Can Happen To You, If You're a Race Car Driverrrrrr
The girls are in limos, poppin' bottles and gushing about how one of them could "literally be engaged" to Arie by the end of this. Chris Harrison stands in front of the Bachelor Mansion, the driveway summarily washed down to make it sparkle as bright as his eyes, when a limo arrives and Arie steps out. "Are you excited?!" Chris squeals, as he takes Arie's hand. "What's going through your mind right now?!"
"I don't know!" Arie exclaims, shaking his head excitedly at Chris. "I'm freaking out!"
"OMG, you're fine going around a race track at 200 miles an hour and this makes you nervous?" Chris enthuses. He turns and give a little wink at the camera, then leans in and whispers theatrically, "Did you catch that, girls? He's a race car driver!"
"Now, Arie," Chris continues. "You're the Bachelor. Did you ever think that this would happen to you?"
"A dream is a wish your heart makes, Chris," Arie replies. "And this has all been such a dream."
"Why now, Arie? Why this?" Chris asks.
"Business has been good, racing has been good, but I just haven't found that final piece yet."
"And why haven't you?" Chris asks. "What's wrong with you, Arie?"
"Everything, probably," Arie laughs. Chris smiles knowingly. "I was madly in love with Emily the last time on the show," he continues. No, not Emily! He thinks, wondering if Chris can see the truth behind his pale eyes. Sean! But no one can know that now... "And that was exactly the thing that was missing in the relationships after that. So that's why I'm back, and I think this could be a great fit."
"So you think this can work?"
HAHAHAHAHAHA, the men laugh together as the first limo of giggling girls pull up.
The Part In the Premiere Where the Producers Are So Obvious That It's Honestly Embarrassing
Caroline is the first one out, resplendent in a white dress and still looking older than 26. She tells him that she's also a realtor, and "hopefully, if we do our jobs right, we'll both be 'off the market' HAHAHAHAHA."
"OH MAN THAT IS GREAT, DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT YOURSELF?!" Arie roars, reaching out to hug her.
Then, to completely contrast Caroline's white fairy princess, Single Mom Chelsea, a vixen in black, lazily steps out of the limo, looking incredibly self-satisfied for someone who didn't even bother to do her hair.
Taxidermy Kendall is next, nervous and breathy but all smiles in a silky pink dress; then Seinne, who gives Arie a pair of beautiful elephant cufflinks, because elephants are a symbol of loyalty and good luck. "And also an elephant never forgets, so don't forget to find me inside." CUT PRESS TAPE - Seinne is already way too beautiful and refined and intelligent and clever for this show. Honestly, I already want to propose to this woman.
And then Tia from Weiner, Arkansas, arrives to tell him that she's from Weiner, Arkansas, and so to help him remember that, she gives him a little weiner to hold onto. And then she asks him about the size of HIS weiner:
Arie responds by waving the plastic weiner around and saying, "I don't have this." Not sure if I believe him, but okay.
Meanwhile, the new arrivals are sitting in the living room, gushing about Arie. "Not only is he handsome, but he's welcoming," Chelsea tells us. "And I feel, like, that alone, you just don't see that everyday." Are you serious?! Arie's literal JOB right now is stand there and WELCOME you as you arrive. Are these women's bars really set that low? God help us.
Bibiana arrives, who seems cool, while the girls continue to gush about Arie. "He's attractive, he has a job, he knows how to bathe himself...he's a great catch!"
Another series of women arrive: Bri, as sports reporter, who tosses a softball to Arie and then is "SO IMPRESSED!" when he actually catches It; Jenny, a cute blonde in a hot pink dress; Brittane, who puts a bumper sticker that says "NICE BUTT" on Arie's ass because they say you're not supposed to put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari, "but why not an Arie?"; Jaqueline, who is stunning and stands out for her ability to actually have a nice, normal, confident conversation with him.
And then we see Arie look at the limo, the limo door opens, and soft music plays as KRYSTAL steps out. Usually, this would be a hint that Krystal is going all the way, but these days, our dear Bachelor editors love to throw us off the traditional trail off, so you can't trust anything. She breathes a "Hi", begins to walk toward him, and then moans out another "hiiiii" as she gets closer to him. She tells Arie that she's a health and fitness coach, and ONCE AGAIN says that one of her passions is "helping people to see the best version of themself." IT IS THEMSELVES, DUMMY. IF YOU ARE GOING TO USE THAT AS YOUR MOTTO AND TAGLINE, YOU NEED TO GET IT RIGHT. She tells him to put his hands on his heart and close his eyes, and then "breathe deeply as you just reflect on feeling so grateful for everything leading to this moment." "Do you feel that?" She asks. I do. I feel the fact THAT YOU TOTALLY STOLE THAT, ALMOST WORD-FOR-WORD, FROM TONY ROBBINS. "So it is in this moment that we are ready for the adventure to begin."
They open their eyes and embrace, and she walks away, Arie sighs, "Oh, I needed that."
Cue seizure-inducing eyerolls.
More women arrive - Nysha, Valerie, etc - which starts the requisite "There are so many girls here, and they just keep coming, and I've never watched this show that I've obviously made an effort to be on, and therefore I have no idea that it's at least 25 women who arrive on premiere night EVERY. FUCKING. SEASON."
"Let's just say that the hair is down, the boobs are out," Chelsea says, obviously threatened by how attractive the fellow ladies are. "But as much has it makes me want to feel insecure, I'm not worried. There's no threats." Yeah, suuuuuuure, girl.
Outside, an engine revs, and girls run to the wooden fence to peer out onto the driveway as a cherry red convertible drives up. "Who the hell can pull that off?" Chelsea murmurs. Um, literally everyone, since it's the producers who secured the car and probably gave Bekah, the child bride, the idea to drive up in it.
She and Arie hug awkwardly -
As Casey from @AnalogyReality cleverly points out, Beckah looks like Tinkerbell in her short mint green dress and chunky silver heels. Her line is, "So, I may be young, but I can still appreciate something classic." Chelsea and Tia and Kendall simultaneously moan and gush about what a great entrance that was.
Jenna, a social media manager from North Carolina who uses REALLY! BIG! GESTURES! ALL! THE! TIME! tells Arie she's looking for someone to take over the world with her (ever notice that people who are like, "I want someone to take over the world with" are NEVER going to be the kind of people who are going to take over the world?); Jessica, an over-enthusiastic television host who reminds me of Terri Schuester, Will's wife from Glee, tries to makes us believe she's 26...but if she's 26, then I'm fucking 15, friends.
She gives him a gratitude rock, all the while talking to him like he's the 5 year old son of the man she's trying to marry.
More arrivals: Marikh, riding high on the spice thing again; Olivia, barely notable; and Becca K., from my hometown of MPLS (REPRESEEENT), who looks super pretty and asks him to get down on one knee and ask her if she's ready to do the damn thing (that was actually kind of cute and clever, Becca).
A Limo Full of Laurens
Another limo pulls up and we hear some dopey girl inside asks, "Is he here?" Like, where the fuck else would he be?! Pretty blonde Lauren S. introduces herself; then age-appropriate Lauren J. (yeah, you can already see where this is going) arrives and gives him some oversized Mardi Gras beads to represent her small town in Louisiana. They both walk into the house and introduce themselves, and Bekah blinks and makes a face, like she can't comprehend that two people would actually have the same name.
Another super pretty Lauren walks up - Lauren B. - and then walks into the mansion, much to the confusion and consternation of the other ladies. Another Lauren, Lauren G., also gets out of the limo. OMG SO MANY LAURENS HAHAHAHAHA HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SO MANY LAURENS THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE IT'S LIKE A LIMO FULL OF LAURENS!
Because Chelsea doesn't know how jokes work, she tries to be catty by telling us "Four Laurens walk into a room, which is a terrible ending for a joke...and none of them get chosen," she smirks. NO, Chelsea, "Four Laurens walk into a room" is a terrible BEGINNING for a joke, moron.
If You Have a Good Producer, You Too Can Arrive In Some Type of Vehicle
ANODDA limo pulls up, and out walks Ashley, waving a racing flag. How original. Even Arie's getting tired of it. Brittany T. arrives and tries to say something in Dutch; Amber, who owns a spray tanning company, makes a reference to seeing a lot of dicks and hopes that Arie is not one (how dare you blemish your first name, Amber. You represent all of us!); Ali literally asks him to SMELL HER PITS; Annaliese shows up in a mask and what apparently is a "bandit" bag, because she hears that Arie is the "kissing bandit."
Annaliese walks into the mansion and mistakes the looks of pity for the other girls being "a little bit jealous" of her "costume". Rest easy, Annaliese - that's not a costume, and nobody is jealous of it. Bekah for SURE isn't jealous of it, because SHE drove up in a '65 cherry red Mustang, so she's feeling pretty confident.
"I'm feeling pretty good HAHAHAHAHA!" she laughs, RIGHT AS THE ENGINE OF A RACE CAR REVS UP.
An Indy race car (is that we call them?) pull up, with a dude driving it and some girl in the back. Oh, look, it's MAQUEL, who flings off her helmet and whips her hair back and forth.
The girls LOSE IT, going so far as to blatantly stand in the doorway and watch as Miquel walks up to talk to Arie:
Most of the girls are complimentary about what an entrance that was (cue the producers patting themselves on the back), but Chelsea has to be the one who produces another eye-rolling dig: "She came in fast and furious, and she arrived last, and maybe that's how she wants to finish. When you give it all you've got right up front, it doesn't last." Chelsea, even I don't like Maquel, but let's be real: You can't compete with her.
Kendall then gives the easy soundbite of the night: "The competition is looking pretty fierce out there...so yeah, the race is on."
Like, honestly, if you were playing a drinking game around how many races puns there were tonight, you'd be in a coma by now - and the show isn't even half over.
And that's it for Part 2! Tune in a lil' bit later for Part 3, which will definitely/probably/hopefully be posted before tonight's episode. You're probably like, "Amber, why do these take so long?!" BECAUSE I DO QUALITY WORK, THAT'S WHY. And also because I've been alternating between this, The Golden Globes, and my other passion, the US Figure Skating Championships starring Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir. SO YOU'LL GET YOUR RECAPS WHEN THEY'RE FINISHED, A'RIGHT? IT NOT LIKE HALF OF YOU EVEN WATCH THIS SHOW, ANYWAY!
Okay? Super great! See you guys next time! Kiss kiss!
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