'The Bachelor', Season 22, Episode 1, Part 3: Jenna Almost Sucks On Some Toes, Chelsea Knows How To Close, and Arie Hands Out a Rose!
Welcome back to Part 3, lovers!
Cheers To You, Cheers To Me, Cheers To All of Us Making Out On TV
The girls continue to gush about what a "catch" Arie is, while Arie and Chris Harrison have another chat outside. Really earning that paycheck this episode, Chris!
Arie walks into the room, and all the women cheer like they've been prisoners of war and he's finally come to save them. Chelsea tries to hand him a drink and he ignores her (until a producer pointed it out and he was like, "see I'm already messing up", which was met with a bunch of "awww"'s) which was cringly and embarrassing but also hilarious, because let's face it - we are not meant to like Chelsea this season, so let's just go with it and then apologize to her personally on Twitter and Instagram after the show is over, when we find out she's a real human being with real feelings and we all try to make up for our meanness by telling people how awesome her podcast is.
But also! Arie barely finishes his speech before Chelsea asks if she can steal some time with him, so don't cry for her, Argentina. Krystal, especially, notices, and baby-voiced breathes, "Seriously?" WHICH, I will BET YOU MONEY, will become ironic later in the season, if the season preview is to be trusted.
Can I Steal You For a Second?
So Chelsea and Arie sit down and have an absolutely stimulating conversation about how "mysterious" she is. Like, she literally tells him that she can be a little mysterious, and much like Trump's recent assertion that he's a stable genius - or anyone's claim that they're "classy" or "drama-free" - if you actually are that thing, you don't have to actually try and convince people that you are.
Chelsea was just in the middle of diving into her next engrossing topic - passing her realtor exam - when Marquel asks if she can steal Arie.
Chelsea's like, "Suuure" but you can tell she's pissed, and she makes sure to sit there and finish her sentence before getting up and stalking off. She immediately runs and talks shit about Maquel to the other girls, and tries to connect Maquel revving up her engine to the probability that she's going to interrupt the other girls. Because, y'know, she's "loud." Glad you passed that realtor exam, friend, because comparative logic is not your strong suit.
(And course, Bekah and another girl tell Maquel all about it when she's done with her time)
Arie has a chat with Jaqueline - I just love her, you guys. I think she's stunning and so well-spoken and confident and intelligent but in a really calm way, you know? -
...and then some of the girls have a really interesting conversation about their experiences dating interracially, and it makes me want to magically transport them from this show to a panel on a news network because it's honestly way more interesting than any of these other discussions.
Brittany T. sets up a special surprise for Arie, where they race in little kids' cars, and the prize is - guess what! - kiss kissing! It actually is a really cute and fun idea - I even laughed, just like a real human being with a beating heart would! They congratulate each other on a great race and Arie gives her a small kiss. Just a small one...just enough to keep me going through another 10 kiss-less conversations, he thinks, as he sucks in just a taste of her life force. "You're a good kisser," Brittany says, as they hug. "It was...AMAZING," she gushes to us. "Like he literally has the softest lips evvverrrrr."
Brittany, please don't lie to yourself or America. You are better than that.
Then it's time to see one of my least favorite things, which is someone serenading someone. In this case, it's Kendall serenading Arie on the ukulele. Gross! I HATE SERENADING!
The women (lovers, I'm making a concerted effort to say "women" instead of girls because #feminism, so just ride it out with me if I falter) are all talking about how they really have to make an effort to stand out because there's so many of them and only one Arie. Annaliese is determined to keep her "costume" on, while Caroline comes up with a great idea for her time with Arie: PIZZA.
"I was like, you can't leave until you finish this slice of pizza. You're mine until you're done." she tells us, which is actually pretty clever and honestly if someone gave me a pizza on a night like that, I'd be like, "Game's over, you've already identified my true needs and have seen to the heart of what's important to me, let's get married."
Lauren G. decides to feed Arie a slice of pineapple while he has his eyes closed, which makes me uncomfortable (the activity of letting people put stuff into my mouth while my eyes are closed is just not for me, lovers) until he guesses correctly and she's like, "Okay, that's my safe word." Which is funny on its own, but it also more hilarious because it makes me think of this bit by Kevin Hart (NSFW!!):
And then we've got Jenna over there, soaking Arie's feet in a portable feet tub and then getting on her knees to inspect them. It's a weird choice, but let's face it: Jenna is a weird girl.
Annaliese takes off her mask, and they actually have a pretty insightful conversation about passion and chemistry. I suspect that Annaliese is going to end up like most "costumed" contestants on The Bachelor season premieres - they seem ridiculous at first, but the more we get to know them, the more we like them.
Becca K. (HOMETOWN REPRESENT) (And yes, I'm probably going to do that every single time we talk about her) sits down with Arie and tells him that family is really important to her, and before she left, her mom wrote a bunch of letters, which includes a list of questions about him. She shows them to him, and usually, when someone whips out a letter of any kind, this is a majorly cringe part of any episode for me. But I didn't hate this! Becca is alarmingly comfortable with Arie...and I say "alarmingly" because she's nice and normal and funny and kind of flirty but not overly so, which is a total rarity on this show. She's the cool girl who is actually cool (instead of mean girl cool or tomboy cool or Gone Girl faux-cool).
The Worst Impression Rose
The women start talking about the Best Impression Rose, and whaddya know, Chris Harrison comes waltzing into the living room with the rose on a silver platter. "Here it is, girls!" He announces, as he sets it on the table with pomp, then swirls out of the room.
Ladies start freaking out about not having gotten any time with Arie, and we see the classic "Can I get some time with Arie?" "OMG, I JUST sat down with him." interrupting game.
Chelsea is sitting with a group of women who ask her how she feels about having gone first, and omg, doesn't that seem like so long ago? Chelsea starts to second-guess her decision to go first, and tells the ladies that she doesn't want him to forget about her. Off-camera, we hear someone - a producer, I suspect - say "I definitely think that the person who gets to talk to him the most would...stand out", and Chelsea, not needing any more convincing, nods and stands up, obviously planning on talking to him again. "It's apparent that the other girls have gotten to have more time with him, and I think I deserve that, too." No, Chelsea, the reason why you think the other girls have gotten to have more time with him is because there are at least 24 other women there who are having maybe 5 to 10 minutes conversations with him, each. But who cares about that, when it comes to being a single mom who deserves more than the rest of us simply because she happens to have a child!
Meanwhile, Arie is talking to Krystal, who is gushing so much that I'm waiting for her head to explode into a waterfall. "Congratulations-aaa!" she tells him.
Arie's like, "I wanna know more about you, though. We only have a short amount of time."
"I'm a Libra," she responds, as if her astrological sign clearly has the answers to everything he wants to know.
Chelsea comes up and asks if she can talk to Arie for a bit, and what follows is probably one of the fakest, strangest interactions and post-interactions I've ever witnessed in the history of America.
Like, is this girl really a Stepford Wife in disguise? All she does, for like 5 minutes, is sit there and stare blankly at the camera with a huge fake smile plastered on her face. All the clues add up that she's actually a male-designed fembot in a human body - blonde hair, breathy voice, health and fitness coach, wide deer-caught-in-headlights-eyes...and I mean, c'mon - her name is even KRYSTAL.
So Arie and Chelsea sit down, and Arie watches her say a lot of non-sensical words about being there for him and being excited. Finally we watch him lean him and engulf the bottom half of her face with his lips..and we're grateful at first, because it gets her to stop talking, but then we're forced to watch him suck the life out of her for at least a minute. Yesss...yess...this woman is desperate...I could suck out her entire sweet, sweet, salty soul if I wanted to, Arie muses, as his tongue sinks deeper into her throat. Chelsea closes her eyes as he begins to suck one year of her life away...and then another, and then another, his lips moving against hers as he grows stronger with each breath.
"That was nice, thaaaank you," he breathes, as they pull away.
Thinking he meant the kiss and not the gift of immortal substance she just gave him, Chelsea lazily smiles back at him, then departs to go throw some hard brags to the other girls. She tells the girls that she had to interrupt him this time, and I love Lauren G. - the woman straight up calls her out. "So you felt comfortable interrupting even though you already talked to him..."
"Yeah, I think so," Chelsea replies, not getting it.
"Okay," Lauren G., replies, then looks straight at the camera and shakes her head (j/k but she might as well have because we were WITH YOU, LAUREN G.!)
Bekah, in one of my favorite moments, tells us that she thinks Chelsea is kind of going out of her way to stir the pot, but then immediately goes and sits down with a bunch of girls and completely shit-talks her.
Chelsea finds out that some of the girls haven't even talked to Arie once yet - but rest easy, lovers, it doesn't make her feel bad the way it should! - and some of the girls are freaking out a bit. We see Jenny give him a portrait she drew of him (it was pretty good!); Tia talk to him about how she needs to be with someone she can laugh with (what a rare thing to look for in a mate) -
...And then Jessica breaks out the big guns by telling Arie that her dad passed away a few years ago, and that he had actually met Arie, and he and Jessica were rooting for him all through Emily's season, which means that she knows he would approve of Arie. There's a grey area with that story...one on hand, whoa - kind of feels like a lot of pressure for the first night. On the other hand, you gotta appreciate the fact that she probably needs to pull that out before the Rose Ceremony, just in case she can't toss that card on the table later.
And then we see Bekah and Arie sitting on top of the back seat of "her" cherry red convertible.
He's like, "so you said that you like the classics-" and she was like "UH NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID, I SAID I CAN STILL APPRECIATE A CLASSIC." Like, calm down Bekah, nobody's trying to embroider your line onto a throw pillow, it's okay if Arie gets it a little wrong.
Then Bekah breathes in and tells him that she has a question for him. "What are..." she begins, breathing in deeply, "the three things..." she continues, as she looks up at the sky, as if to pull this amazing question down from the divine heavens, "that make you excited about life?"
Fuck these types of questions, dude. These are absolutely the types of questions that certain people ask because they wanna really dig in and get to know a person and cut all the small talk and get deep (and I can say that, because I totally used to be one of them). And they think they sound so intelligent and thoughtful when they ask someone a question like that, but it's also the type of question that you really only ask someone when you completely, absolutely intend on judging someone for their answers, and that is actually not the point of getting to know someone.
"Keep it simple," Beckah instructs.
"I don't know, I mean...excitement?"
"Excitement makes you excited to be alive?' Well, guys, she might be dumb, but apparently she's no dummy, so props for that.
Arie rounds out his answers with stuff like "adrenaline", "good company" and "pizza", and then Beckah volleys back with stuff like "the smell of pine trees through my car window while I'm driving through the mountains", "that feeling when you like someone and you don't know if they like you back yet" and "that invigorating feeling of quickly and easily solving an impossible math equation that even the greatest minds at the best university for math and science can't seem to solve, even though you're actually only the janitor there."
The First Impression Rose, Which Is a Great Way To Get Everyone To Hate You Right Off The Bat
Meanwhile, back at the house, Becca asks the other women who they think will get the First Impression Rose. Chelsea responds that she has no idea, but tells us that there was something she felt right away when she met Arie, and it gave her this confidence that she's going to get the rose.
Someone in the living shouts out, "Maybe Brittany!" and it hilarious how inwardly angry you could tell that made Chelsea.
Right on cue, Arie walks in, swipes up the rose, and walks past a bunch of women that include Brittany and Bekah. Beckah is like, "Let's go see" and they follow him out onto the patio to what I can only assume is the pool house, where Chelsea and Krystal and some other women are sitting and talking. He asks if he can talk to Chelsea, and Bekah runs back into the living room with an expression that was literally all of ours:
Arie gives Chelsea the rose. "Oh my god, the First Impression Rose," Chelsea tells us. "I'm not competitive by nature, but when I see something I want..." she waits a beat just to make her statement super douchey "I go after it.
So then they pull the classic "We just fucked ALL Y'ALL!" by coming into the living room and asking a couch full of rose-less women if they can "squeeze in the middle there" -
But luckily, before the girls could annihilate Chelsea with their death stares, Chris Harrison arrives to announce that it's time for the very Rose Ceremony!
The Rose Ceremony That Defines Whether You Will Truly Be Able To Make a Career Off Instagram After This Or Not
The women shuffle into the Rose Ceremony, all of them looking exhausted, and some of them even literally shaking from the cold. Arie gives a speech about how great it was to get to know everyone, blah blah blah, and then he gets this show on the road. Becca K. get the first rose. Maquel tells us that you can tell that most of the girls seem pretty nervous, but she's feeling pretty confident, and that she just can't wait to see who goes - way to win the Congeniality Award for the night, MAQUEL. Marikh get a rose, then Kendall, and then we have hear Krystal tell us more about how her cheeks hurt from smiling so much and that she feels like a "Smitten Kitten" with him. Blegh. Lauren G. get a rose, then Krystal, Beckah M, Lauren S., Seinne, Caroline, Brittany T., Bibiana, Annaliese, Jenna, Valerie, Jaqueline (YES!), Jenny, Lauren B., Ashley, Tia, and then - making her wait for the last rose, producers, nice work - Maquel.
Which means that Jessica get eliminated, who cries to us about her secret hope that she might have ended up with Arie because her dad actually met him before he passed away, but now that she didn't get a rose, now her dad will never get to meet her husband. And I get it - I'm not going to harsh on that poor woman's attempt to hold onto that piece of her father, because stuff like that is a desperately precious gleam of hope in the middle of what is, frankly, never-ending grief.
But I am going to harsh on the fact that she came into the house trying to sell us on her being 26...because lady, you need to get real with yourself and embrace your true age because you are not. fooling. anybody.
Amber is also eliminated (probably for the best. The rest of us Amber's can't have her in there, doing more damage to our good names), as well as Ali; Bri; Brittane J.; Lauren J; (like, really? Arie eliminated the most age-appropriate woman in this lineup? Major side-eye); Nysha (they always trick us by giving at least one girl an intro package who doesn't make it past the first episode!), and Olivia.
But don't cry for the rose-less, lovers - because this happened:
While we all know my default is snark, the bottom line? Nobody's ever done this before - first-nighters usually just slink back into the good night from whence they came. And while I do hate the fact that The Bachelor franchise has basically become a vehicle for Youngs who are thirstin' to get that blue checkmark next to their Instagram handle, I'm not gonna hate on a woman - or 7 - trying to parlay an opportunity into something bigger.
Self-indulgent "OMG I DID A PHOTO SHOOT" videos set to cheesy music does make me cringe, though.
But back to more important stuff: Which non-eliminated girls are already your favorites? Who do you already loathe? Who do you like but only kind of because you're a little afraid they're going to turn out to be awful later on in the season and then you're going to have to lose a little faith in your own judgement of character? Let's talk about it in the comments!
Anyway! Check back next week for more rose recappin', and in the meantime, please sign up for Super Cool For You (hover over those words to access the link - it's like MAGIC!), which slides into your inbox every Sunday morning and brings you up to speed on all the most recent posts from the blog, as well as some fun stuff you won't get anywhere else.
See you next time, lovers!