Amber L. Carter
Writer. Professional Intuitive. Pop Culture Obsessive.


'The Bachelor', Season 22, Episode 2: Becca Goes To Prom, Krystal Looks Like Arie's Mom, & Bibana Explodes Like a Bomb!

Welcome, Lovers, to episode 2 of The Bachelor: Arie Likes To Kiss!

Get Your Motors Runnin' / Headin' On a One-on-One! Lookin' For Rachel Zoe / and We're Endin' Up With Louboutins! 

Somewhere in a blue California sky, a hawk blinks as a man throws a leg over a motorcycle, slips on a pair of sunglasses, and gratuitously guns the engine. Who could this man be? Oh, it's ARIE, who not only drives race cars and regular cars but ALSO motorcycles! Is there anything this man can't do, besides form a healthy, intimate long-term relationship with another person without the help of network television? 


Meanwhile, back at the Bachelor Mansion, and the ladies start the day off right with a mimosa toast and some talk about Arie's physical features. Jenna tells us that Arie makes her lose her words, but obviously not her gestures, so rest easy, America. Before they could start gushing about how shapely Arie's fingernails are, Chris Harrison arrives and orders all the women into the living room. 

"Good morning," he tells them. "It's good to see that everyone's comfortable...for instance, look at Beckah - she didn't even bother to put on a bra for national TV!" 

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"And you all look happy," Chris continues. "I hope that will continue, but I'm experienced enough to know that it will not." 

The girls laugh, and Bibianna is like, "Yeah, just wait until you bitches see what I've got planned later this week." 


Chris tosses the date card on the table. Chelsea tells us that last night, Arie gave her the First Impression rose because he believes that she's a little mysterious - NO, you basically TOLD him that you were "mysterious" - and she is sooo excited to tell him just why! So she feels like it's going to sting if her name isn't read out loud.

And guess? It's not! Instead, it's Becca K (hey, did you guys know that she's from Minneapolis, where I live?)! The date card reads, "Hold on tight!", and right on time, Arie pulls into the driveway with his motorcycle. He squires Becca outside, where he gives her a jacket (he even zips it up for her, which is actually kind of sweet?) and then a helmet while all the other girls stand outside, watching and squealing, like a scene from a '50s musical about an over-excitable sorority house.

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They take off through the California hills, and Becca does the thing where she talks a lot during the motorcycle ride, which reminds me of this one time when I reunited with a high school boyfriend who had by then become a pilot and so for our date he took me up on a plane but didn't tell me that you'e not supposed to talk a lot over the Comm and so when we were in the air I tried to hold an entire conversation with him over the headphone mics until he finally whipped off his headphones and gave me a super annoyed look and it was then that I knew that we would not be continuing this date further but ALSO HOW ABOUT YOU JUST TELL ME THAT WE CAN'T DO A LOT OF TALKING ON THIS PLANE RIDE SO I DON'T AUTOMATICALLY EMBARRASS MYSELF, DOUCHEBAG. 

Anyway, Arie handled Becca's over-talking it a lot smoother than that guy did. 

Back at the Bachelor Mansion, Sienne, Chelsea, and Krystal are sitting around, talking about how they feel about Becca getting to go on the back of Arie's motorcycle. Chelsea is like, "Jealous...I love the adrenaline of being behind something more powerful than me", while Krystal blinks, her robot mind trying to compute what that even means. 

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Krystal, on the other hand, had a dad who was in a really serious motorcycle accident, and has just seen a lot of people killed or seriously injured, or, y'know, have lost body parts. "Honestly, if I had been on that date, I would have had to take a moment with Arie and explained that before I got on." 

Sienne is like, "Yeah. Then that's good that you weren't." 

Back on the date, Arie and Becca arrive at a house, where they find a counter piled up with a shit ton of seafood, a chocolate fountain, fruit (boring), etc. They pour a glass of champagne while Arie tells Becca that today is all about her, and then is like, "Look over there!" while Rachel Zoe slinks out of whatever dark corner she's been hiding in, her assistant pushing racks and racks of gowns behind her. 

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The next portion of the date literally consists of Arie sitting down on a couch and stuffing his face with champagne and lobster while Becca tries on a series of gowns, and then walks down stairs (in HEELS!) to show them off to him, like she's a goddamn doll pirouetting for her dollmaker master. Which is weird, but I also can't help thinking that I would actually love to just have dates like that from Arie's side, where I literally get to spend 75% of it alone with my own thoughts, eating lobster and drinking champagne, and the only conversation I really have to have with my date is "Oh wow, I like that" or "Oooh, look at you" or "Can you do a turn for me?" 

So there's a little discussion on which dress Becca should keep for their date later that night - also, can I just interrupt her by saying that I had  mind-meld because I totally recognized one of the dresses Becca picked to try on as a dress that Erin Foster wore to a Rachel Zoe thing (and yes, this is exactly the kind of stuff that I put my photographic memory to good use for) so VV GOOD TASTE, BECCA, YOU ARE IN EXCELLENT COMPANY: 



but - PLOT TWIST! - Becca actually gets to keep ALL the Rachel Zoe dresses she tried on. And then Arie and Becca go outside to the patio, where Arie shows up with a trunk, and proceeds to get down on one knee. "God, you look good on one knee all the time!' Becca jokes, as he opens it to reveal a pair of sparkly Christian Louboutins, which she ALSO gets to have. HELLO BECCA WELCOME TO THE LITERAL DREAM DATE BOARD GAME THAT IS NOW MANIFESTING FOR YOU IN REAL LIFE. 

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But Becca being the cool Minnesotan she is, she's very clear that she's not taking one second for granted, and it doesn't matter what they would have done today, she still would have enjoyed every single minute of it. They sit down on some lawn chairs and pop some more champagne, and Arie does a soft brag of "So when you win a race, you spray champagne, so I don't even normally drink it, I just spray it." Ooookay, Arie. They have an actual nice, normal, flirty conversation, and then some weird guy in a suit starts walking up the rocky path toward them, and Becca even throws out my favorite "Rico Suave" nickname (Youths, if you don't know what or who she's referring to, please educate yourselves) by asking who that is. Oh, it happens to be YET ANOTHER SURPRISE, this time a surprise of DIAMONDS. 

Like, honestly, no matter what happens on this show, Becca is still going to get to go home with sparkly dresses, Louboutins, and jewels, so I think we all know who the real winner of this season is. 

Arie "earring's her up" and then kisses her, which throws us all into a portal where time slows down to a crawl and we're forced to endure five minutes of what should really only be a 5 second kiss. 

Later, we watch Becca enter the Bachelor Mansion, wearing her Louboutins and carrying two armfuls of bags.

When you say "I'm only going to shopping to find one thing." 

When you say "I'm only going to shopping to find one thing." 

The girls go bonkers - both out of excitement and jealousy - 

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...and Lauren G. is the first one to call out her red-bottomed shoes:

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Bibianna actually tears a up a little, because she's never seen a pair of Louboutins in real life. 

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Ah, Home / Yeah, Let Krystal Go Hoo-Ome / Home Is Wherever We Don't Have To Hear Her Voice

It's time for the evening portion of the one-on-one date. Becca steps out of the limo in her Louboutins, and Arie greets in some brick and glass industrial-looking building done up in candles and roses. They sit down to dinner, and Arie immediately starts talking about the last time he was on this "journey". Which is just what every woman wants to hear about on the first date, right, is a story focused on how magical it was for him to be on the show with the woman he was once in love with. 

Meanwhile, back at the Bachelor Mansion, the girls are talking about Arie's pillowy lips, and how Brittany and Chelsea got in on that. The doorbell rings, and it's another date card! And it's for Krystal, and the card reads, "Home is where the heart is." Krystal tells us that she's excited about the date card, but she doesn't want to gloat in front of the other girls, right before she sits there, gloating and squealing "Oh my god!" and "I'm so excited!' and "Thank yooooou" in front of the girls for about twenty minutes. 

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Back to the date! Arie asks Becca what led her to be "here", and Becca tells Arie that she was in a 7 year relationship with someone that was on and off and that she put up with a lot of stuff from that relationship and she knows what she wants and she doesn't want to settle. And friends, if she's 26, that means that she was with this guy since she was 18 or 19. Like, holy CRAP. Arie asks why the relationship lasted so long, and she tells him that he got her through one of the hardest times of her life, which was when her dad passed away (cue me crying while I lick greek yogurt off a spoon). Her dad had brain cancer, and was first diagnosed when she was 14, and they ended up having 5 extra years with him. Like, OH MY GOD, you guys. I can't even imagine. 

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To reward Becca for telling her story about her dead father, Arie hands her the date rose. Then he leads her to a window where he tells her that she gets to keep her diamond earrings. He takes advantage of her surprise by drawing in and sucking one year of her life away with his "pillowy lips".

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Then he tells her he has one more surprise for her, upon which we hear a blast and golden confetti rains down (big deal), and in her shock and awe, he takes advantage of her open mouth AGAIN by drawing her face to his so he can continue to lick out her life force with his vampire tongue. Like, can you just let her take a breathe and drink in the moment, Arie?! GOD! 

Can We Pretend That Airplanes / In The Night Sky/ Are Shooting Stars / 'Cause Then We'd Wish For Krystal To Lose Her Vocal Cords

The next morning, Krystal - ready for her one-on-one with Arie - joins some of the other women in the living room. She tells the women that she doesn't even know what the date card "Home Is Where the Heart Is" even means...does it mean his home? Her home? A shopping spree at a HomeGoods store? WHO CAN SOLVE THIS UNSOLVABLE MYSTERY?!

She says "byyyyyye" to the women and the next we see, she's pulling up to Arie standing on a red carpet in front of a private jet.

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"Hiiiiiii-a!" she squeals, as she runs up to him and gives him a hug.

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He tells her that he's taking her to his home in Scottsdale, AZ (hey, I've been there!), and she acts like he just announced they were going to Paris to have lunch. "I don't even have words," she tells us. "I'm just so smitten kitten." 

STOP trying to make "smitten kitten" a thing Krystal. 

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Arie tells her that she gave him, like, such a really amazing first impression, and so he was, like, "Who could I pick to go to Scottsdale with me, and you said you'd never been." These pearls of poetry, you guys...I'm overwhelmed.

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Krystal squeals about feeling SO lucky !!!!! and when they land, we hear her breathe, "Welcome hooome", to Arie, which is obnoxious and annoying. Krystal's one of those women who at one point learned exactly how to make people think she's super sweet and kind and thoughtful, but it's so fake and saccherine that I bet she makes a lot of enemies with people who have strong bullshit detectors. 

They start rolling through Scottsdale, and again: What is with men who think that women should be absolutely fascinated with the hometown tour? Like, until we're in love with you and want to have your babies, I literally don't know of any woman who's all, "OMG, and then we went on a hour-long trip down memory lane of landmarks that are only important to him, and it was SO GREAT." But guys love doing this shit because - besides the fact that they literally get to just talk about themselves for an hour - they think we're like their moms and so therefore we're automatically fascinated with everything they've ever said and done. Like, even Dee Snider of the rock band Twisted Sister took his wife on one of these hometown tours for their first date and she's STILL mad about it ("Like I could give two shits!" is literally a direct quote). And even on The Bachelor, where we're supposed to care about where the Bachelor grew up, etc, we don't really care. It's Scottsdale, Arizona. There's cacti and gravel and red tile roofs and everyone has a pool. We get it. 

Krystal, though, is ECSTATIC, because to her, this is a glimpse into the life they'd have if they end up together. Which, I mean, they haven't even had their first kiss yet, so let's not get ahead of ourselves, mmokay, Krystal? 

True to form, Arie shows her the Pizza Hut where he worked when he was 16 ("Oh my gawwwd-a!" - Krystal), and the willow trees where he had his first kiss, and then his high school. 


After they leave the high school, there's another weird moment where Krystal fake smiles to no one and nothing because she knows she's being filmed (she even looks directly into the camera as she does it), along with her, once again, trying to stretch out the "this could be our future!" narrative when Arie pulls into the driveway of his house: 

They walk in, and Krystal immediately starts letting Arie know how happy she'd be living there with him. "Oh my god, I love the kitchen, I love how open this is, hahahaha", and Arie is like, "Yep. Okay, let me show you my room." Sidenote: Dana of Possessionista spilled on Twitter that she has a friend who can confirm that what we're seeing isn't even Arie's actual house. 

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And honestly, his "house" reminds me of the time when all of my friends and I went over to our friend's boyfriend's apartment for a Thanksgiving party, and even though his roommate had tons of photos and mementos scattered all over the place, his room looked like a hotel room - no photos, no personal items, not even a piece of artwork hanging over his bed. "I think he's has a family and is living a double life," I texted to another friend after the party, and sure enough, a year after they broke up, my friend found him on Facebook and discovered that I was right - he had kids and everything! Like, most guys I know are awful decorators, but bland hotel art all over their apartment or house AND no socks lying on the floor anywhere is a #1 hint that he's hiding something. 

But back to the show! J/K, it's a 5 minute long segment of Arie showing Krystal old photo albums and home videos, so this was a great time for me to go and make sure I had logged enough water intake for the day. 

Mama / Mama You Know I Love You / Oh You Know I Love You / Mama Here's a Girl Who Looks Just Liiiike You

But the boring stuff isn't over yet! Nope, because now it's time to put Krystal on the spot and make her meet Arie's parents. Guys, this is wonderful first date idea that doesn't make anyone feel uncomfortable or weird at all! 

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We not only meet his parents, but also his little brother and his brother's new wife. Arie's mom and Krystal sit on the couch, and it's kind of striking how similar they look, even down to the nose.



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Krystal does the classic, "So how did you guys meet?" and then dives right for the "But I'm sure it hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies, right?" Like, why would you ask a couple to admit to the fact that there's been problems in their relationship?! 

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But, luckily, they leave after a while, with Krystal telling us that she's scared about the fact that she doesn't have a close relationship with her family the way Arie does, and is that going to be an issue between her and Arie? No, Krystal, pretty sure that the fact you can't manage to be an authentic person for 5 seconds is going to be more of an issue. 

Meanwhile, back at the Bachelor Mansion, the women are hanging out in the living room, drinking wine while listening to Beckah flex her fresh-from-high-school math skills on how many women are still vying for roses. There's an Oprah call-out, and then finally a date card shows up. Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G, Kendall, Beckah, Jenny, Sienne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibanna, and Chelsea are all going on the group date.

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It's almost all of them, except for Jaqueline and couple more women I'm not going to bother looking up the names of. 

Back at the date, Krystal wonders where they're going-a! Arie tells her that it's a really cool place, really "old Scottsdale", and they walk into the Bradbury building with old-timey elevators that you have to run yourself. Krystal starts gushing about how much she loved their day today, and if you could do an impression of someone with vocal fry who's super inauthentic and eager to impress, that would be Krystal. Arie tells her that he really wants to know more about her (really?! Why?), and so she dives into her story about how her dad wasn't really a part of her life, and her mom was really emotionally unavailable, and so it felt like her parents didn't want her.

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For instance, she saved up all her birthday and Christmas money when she was 10 or 11 to buy herself a comforter, because her mom didn't have the means. WHICH, by the way, I'm just going to pop right in here and say that I TOO saved up all of my birthday money to buy a new comforter when I was 10, as well as a MATCHING wallpaper border and hot pink paint for one wall, AND a bunch of other cool decorations from The Speigel Catalog, because that was the kind of nerd I was: A 5th grader who was super into interior design. 

But to Arie, having to buy her own comforter means that Krystal really had to grow up quick, even though SOME people literally had to eat lipstick to stay alive. 

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And she also tells Arie about how she had to basically raise her little brother, and then a year and a half ago she found out that he was attacked while living on the streets, And I'm sure all of this happened and that it was terrible and I feel for her, but it's the way that she's telling it that just makes it seem so...rehearsed, and told in a way as to elicit the greatest amount of sympathy. 


Arie, though, falls for it hook, line, and sinker, and is like, "I hate to see you like this." Krystal smiles and nods, batting her eyes at him, and he tells her that he has a lot of friends with difficult upbringings, and that hers doesn't reflect negatively on her. 

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"I can tell that you're a very loving person-"

"You can see that?" Krystal interrupts, weirdly. 

Arie then annoyingly showers her with more compliments, then reaches for the date rose, and then again showers her with more unneeded compliments, and then they kiss.


But unluckily for us, the date isn't over! They walk into a theater, where a dude named Connor something (who legit has a great voice, I have to say) is singing a ballad. We're forced to see Arie and Krystal slow dance, and Krystal practically rubs her entire head against Arie's chest as they sway back and forth.

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It's gross. 

The End.

Just Crash / Into Me / Baby / And I Pour Milk Into Youuurrrr Moooouuuuth 

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The next morning, Krystal comes down to the living room in the Bachelor Mansion, where the other women - INEXPLICABLY - start to question her on the details of her one-on-one with Arie! How DARE they! They're acting like this is a national television show where literally anyone who watches will get to see the personal details of Krystal's date! She tries to play coy by telling them that they went to Scottsdale and just chilled, but the other women are not having it with her vagueness. "I'm not going to open up and divulge the details of our relationship," Krystal asserts. 

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Also, PS: 

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But there's no time for waterboarding Krystal right now - the other girls have got to get on the bus and ride to their group date in their assorted athleisure wear! 

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They arrive at a derby car dirt track, and faster than you can sing the chorus to "Crash Into Me" by Dave Matthews, Arie comes squealing out in a demolition car, showing off his driving skills...hey, did you guys know he's a race car driver?!

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(BY THE WAY - can we talk about the way the franchise literally tries to throw in a reference to the Bachelor's career in almost every date, and yet they MAYBE reference it only once or twice for The Bachelorette? Even with Kaitlyn or Ashley, who were both dancers, they really did only one real dancing group date thing. Like, what about having a debate-themed date or a mock trial for Rachel or Andi, who were both lawyers on top of their game?! Even JoJo could have done something where each guy had to try and make a model home or something. WHEN WILL THE SEXISM STOP).

Arie tells them that they're going to have their very own demolition derby, where they get to spray-paint and decorate their cars and everything! Tia aptly notes that "this is like some redneck shit" and I halfway agree with her...back when your old pal Amber was a teenager growing up in Red Wing, Minnesota, she used to go to the nearby Goodhue County Fair in the summers to meet hot country boys, wherein she would also pretend to really love watching the annual demolition derby. Think Tim McGraw, beer, the sweet smell of cow manure mixed with hay, and a world before you had to think seriously about whether or not this person might have voted for Trump before you let them kiss you behind the Poultry Barn.

The ladies get to decorating their cars - 

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Jenna makes some more weird gestures: 

And then it's time to race around some barrels (aka, trash cans) on the track! Which, it should be noted, looks like the ladies supremely enjoy, and Bibiana even tells us that she wants to know where they have a track like this in Miami, because this is going to be her therapy (right before she finishes her turn and yells, "I DON'T EVEN HAVE A LICENSE!" as she's sliding out the driver's seat window of her car). Tia is also SO excited to get out there and fuck shit up, and she prophesies that someone's going to be crying today, and that she just hopes it's not her.

And she's in luck, because it's actually Annaliese! You see, lovers, when Annaliese was a little kid, she went on the Bumper Cars, and got stuck in the middle, and she couldn't move because the kids just kept bumping and bumping and bumping her Bumper Car, over and over, almost as if that was the whole point of Bumper Cars!

And so now she's terrified of the prospect of doing a demolition derby, and she can't stop crying over it. Jenny, Arie's ex-girlfriend lookalike, laughs about it, and #BachelorNation Twitter becomes divided - is this funny, or is Jenny a mean girl? 

Arie comes over and gives Annaliese a comforting pep talk (good job, Arie), while Jenny basically wrecks herself (geddit) by making it seem like Annaliese is crying just to get some more of Arie's time. "It's not going to stop me from hitting her car, hahaha! Give her further trauma." 

Yeah. That's not cool. 

But guess what: it's time for the Derby! 

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Chris Harrison and Robby Gordon give us the play-by-play, with some stunning shade by Harrison when he asks Gordon, "So could this be the first time that Arie wins something on a racetrack?" 

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Arie helps the ladies get their (personalized) helmets on, and gives us some pointers on the derby, which is that you want to be the last car still running at the end, so the trick is to hit people's cars as fast and hard as you can. Annaliese is still pretty freaked out, and literally loses it when she sees "them" bringing in the fire extinguishers, but she's gonna pull it together! Her suit is like a protective blanket, and her helmet is like a paci! 

The foghorn blows, everyone starts crashing into each other, and it. is. utterly. DELIGHTFUL! Annaliese get knocked right away, and Arie uses his car to clear the way for her (good going, Arie!), which lights a fire in Annaliese or something, I don't know, because she then totally creams Chelsea (yeah girl) and T-bones Kendall. Bibiana is also a total monster, crashing hard into everyone she sees. She gets taken out, though, by Brittany, who starts taking out everyone else one by one, including Arie. And then it's finally down to Tia and Sienne, who goes after Tia until her engine dies.

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Sienne takes a victory lap around the track, and then is rewarded with a hug from Arie, a trophy and the traditional...milk? 

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But no matter, because the sun is setting, which means it's time for the after party! 

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Then After the Derby / It's the After Party / And By After Party We Mean / Some Decorated Hotel Lobby 

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Everyone's dressed up and ready to "chill a lil' bit" in the hotel lobby that's been lit with candles to make it seem like it's an exclusive venue reserved just for the show. Everyone, that is, except for Brittany, who smashed her car a little too hard during the derby and wasn't feeling well. Arie makes a speech about being really happy to be here and hanging out in this beautiful, beautiful, place (cue the camera cutting to Jenny looking up and around like, "Really? Beautiful, huh? I guess."). People barely get another sip of their drink before Chelsea steals Arie away, and it's so quick that even Arie laughs and is like, "you're so quick". HAHAHAHAHA.

But Chelsea HAD to take that first chance to steal him so she can explain to him who she really is and why he was led to believe she was mysterious (he wasn't LED to anything, Chelsea - you literally TOLD him you were "mysterious"). She sits Arie down and confesses. "There is another man in my life...and it is my 3 year old son." 

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Arie's like, "Okay, great. Like, why couldn't you have just told me this on the first night? Do you know how many single moms and dads come on this show?". Arie not only "dated" Emily, who was at the time a single mom, but even before that, he dated a woman with two kids, and he even lived with her. Arie and Chelsea chat more about her being a single mom and taking "this" really seriously, and then Lamphrey Luyendyck, tired of all this talking, probably, basically lunges in for the kiss. 

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Chelsea comes back to the girls trash-talking her method of stealing Arie first all the time, and she tries to explain that she's stealing him right away because she's looking for the time to tell him that she's a single mother and that's a huge thing. Marikh hurriedly interrupts and takes "the liberty" to say, "You are a mom and you did give up so much to be here, but I don't think that needs to discount what everyone else has gave [sic] up." The other girls agree with her - "everyone has a story to tell, everyone needs time with him." 


Then Arie talks to Sienne, who mentions that she went to Yale and studied abroad in Italy and Brazil, and literally all of America's like: 


Arie's like, "I worked at Pizza Hut and barely graduated from high school" but she lets him kiss her anyway, which is very generous of her. 

Bibana, on the other hand, is still waiting for her time. The women are apparently calling dibs on who gets to go next, and we see another little glimpse of Jenny when Bibiana announces to a group of girls that Caroline is going now, and then it's her, and Jenny interrupts with "No, I'm going next and then it's you." Which...really? Did you guys pull straws or something? Just get IN there, Bibiana! If you want time, you have to take a page from the playbook and just get in there and get that time. But she's trying to be patient, even though it looks obvious that no one actually cares about whether or not she's getting time with him, which is wearing on her nerves. Later, they're all sitting on the couches and Caroline is like, "Go," and Bibianna is like, "I'm done. Do you think that I really want to go at the end of the night like this? I'm done. My patience has been trialed [sic]." 

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She throws a mini-trantrum, stalks off, tells the cameras not to follower her, and basically slams a door in Caroline's face. 

Meanwhile, Arie is with Beckah, telling her how he was checking her out while she was decorating her car ("Like, daaaaayuuumm!" #gross). "I just love your energy, you know? You make me smile every time I see you." 

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Ugh, and then Lamphrey Luyendyck comes out AGAIN, and it's like time slows down in the worst possible way or they're having the most painful slow-motion kiss ever. 

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Back with all the ladies, Arie picks up the date rose, and tells Chelsea that he's really glad she opened up to him and that was really endearing to him...and then is like, "Sienne! Will you accept this rose?" 

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Completely right choice, but it was kind of a stone cold move toward Chelsea. 

(Which, of course, I totally loved)

Bibana, on the other hand, is like, "Tonight fucking sucked, but I'm not going to stop being persistent, because I need my fucking time with him and I'm going to get it. This is not going to happen again." 

*whispers into your ear* Foreshadowing...

Krystal Needs to Give It Up / Bibi's Had About Enough / It's Not Hard to See / That Krystaaal Suuucks


Sienne, Becca K, and Krystal all have roses coming into the cocktail party, so according to Ashley, this is just a fun easy night for them, but for the four girls who didn't get a date this week, there's a lot of pressure going into the rose ceremony. Yeah, and you know who's REALLY feeling the pressure?! Bibiana, THAT'S WHO! She feels like she was aggressive the night before on the group date, but she still didn't get her time, so she's hoping that tonight she can get in and get in early. 

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Arie arrives, gives a speech - 


And talks to Brittany first, being that she couldn't attend the cocktail party because she wasn't feeling great after the Derby. He gives her a printed certificate, which is an "award" for being The Most Hardcore.

I bet she'll treasure it forever. 

Then it's Beckah again, in a fur coat, which Arie playfully pulls toward him. "I always have to have a fur on me," Beckah purrs, and millions of us everywhere say, "I hope that's not a real fur coat, BECKAH" out loud at our TV. They have a dumb conversaton about wondering whether the other one likes the other, and then they kiss some more. "I'm simple and no drama and easy to please," she tell him. And she's probably not old enough to know this yet, but that's all code for "You better shower me with diamonds or I'll be burying your body in the desert." 

Krystal is like, "Some of these girls don't even know if they're going to be staying tonight or not, and I'm safe, so that should probaly mean that I should stand back and let those girls have time with Arie, but fuck that: I do what I want." She tries to interrupt Arie and Lauren B., and Arie casually tells her to give him one sec and he'll meet her inside. BURN! 

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Lauren B. is irritated that rose-holder Krystal interrupted her time with Arie when Lauren didn't even have a date this week, and rightly so, even though this literally happens at almost every cocktail party and so no one should really be surprised. Lauren and Arie walk in to find Krystal waiting for them. Krystal gives her requisite "Hiiiiiiiii-eeeee" to Lauren (SO fake), then coos "Hiiiii babyyyy!" to Arie as Lauren B. walks away. The whole "hi baby" thing is like when you used to be really weird and awkward with your 7th grade boyfriend because you wanted to feel grown up, but really it just made you look like you were trying to hard. They walk outside, and we're forced to hear Krystal breathe, "I missed you...did you miss me?" Like UGH you guys had ONE DATE. "Yesterday was like a daze? Because I was thinking so much about our date, and how much fun we had? I didn't even tell them that you took me to your house," she tells him, whispering the last part, as if one of the other ladies are going to jump out of the bushes and go "AH-HA! NO MORE PRIVACY NOW!"

Meanwhile, Bibiana is spreading the news around the house that Krystal interrupted Lauren B, and when Krystal comes back into the house, the ladies ask her about going to talk to Arie. "What did he say?" One of the women asks her. She laughs, flips her hair back, and tells them "I think that's something I'm going to keep between Arie and I." 


And then, finally, Bibiana finally get some time with Arie! But wait - Krystal tries to step in AGAIN! "Do you guys mind if I step in for a minute?" And Bibiana is like, "I actually do."

"Do you need just one minute?" Krystal asks. Bish, how about TEN minutes? How about a WHOLE DAY, since that's how much time YOU'VE gotten with him already?! 

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Bibiana and Arie talk for a minute more, then walk back in. True to form, Krystal's waiting for them inside the door, and she and Arie walk back out, talking about how this isn't about roses, it's about feeling a connection (barf). 

Later, Krystal comes back into the house and, sure enough, walks into the room where Bibiana is, and Bibiana goes OFF. "I mean I think you have a lot of balls, coming in here to sit with us." Krystal sort of huffs and is like, "I wanted to come talk to you, to make sure you had time." Lovers, I looooove when a girl gets a one-on-one and thinks it automatically makes her queen of the Bachelor mansion, and that she's far and above all the other women in the house. It makes me so happy to watch them prance around, all self-satisfied and faux-magnimous to the other women, because we all know that's not going to last (and like, where is Becca? Becca and Arie had a WAY better connection, and we don't even SEE her during this whole time). Bibana calls Krystal out on the fact that she already has a rose and she already had time with him. Krystal flips her hair and tries to tell her that she only had "two minutes" (that convo was way longer than two minutes, and you also already had a whole DAY), but Bibiana talks over her (which I usually hate, because it's so immature...but with a voice like Krystals', I appreciate anyone who talks over that), calls her fake, and once again calls her out on the fact that she has no right to take time away from any of these other women.

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"I honestly meant no disrespect," Krystal says, and even Tia laughs at that. 

They continue to go back and forth, with Bibiana telling Krystal that she needs to do her "little workout tomorrow, meditate, reflect" on what she did, and that no one is going to respect her time after that. And I honestly think that's the answer - when a girl who has a rose keeps trying to get time, then everyone should make a pact to continually cut in on her in the future.

The fight ends with Krystal trying to say something and Bibiana cutting her off, standing up, and saying, "And mic drop", which is honestly pretty immature, but. It's Krystal, so who cares. 

And then, right on cue! Chris Harrison walks in, announcing that it's time for the Rose Creremony to begin! 

Baby! / I Compare a Breakup to a Rose Ceremony / Ooh, the More Arie Talks, the Stranger It Feels, Yeah /
Now That I'm Going Home / I'm Going To Be As Rude As I Caaaaan 

It's time for the Rose Ceremony! Arie talks to Chris, and then Arie gives the women another speech: 


And then it's time for the roses. Maquel, who's a total racist, btw (see, I should always listen to my gut: I was mean about her at first and then I was like "no, I should try to be nice and give her a chance" and then it turns out that she's a totally ignorant, racial-slur spewing moron HASHTAG TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS EVERYBODY) gets the first rose; then Jaqueline (yay!); Beckah; Jenna; Chelsea; Lauren S.; Tia; Annaliese; Lauren B.; Kendall; Brittany; Ashley; Marikh; Caroline; and then finally, Bibana gets the final rose. 

Which means Valerie, Lauren G (nooooo! Lauren G. is so beautiful!!)., and Jenny are cut. 

Jenny, who told us earlier that being cut would make her feel like a joke, is stone-faced and trying not to cry while her friends hug her goodbye. She disses Arie by walking right past him on her way out, and like a gentleman, he asks the other women to excuse him and goes after her.

Stopping her, he tells her he's sorry, and is like, "Give me a hug at least."

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Jenny's like, "Can we talk about it, at least?" So Arie tells her that he has to make tough choices, and he "just didn't see it." Jenny sort of laughs and is like, "Yeah, I just definitely don't think this thing is for me" like SHE'S the one who peacing out, even though, a minute ago, she was crying over having to go home. "It's hard to open up-" Arie says, but Jenny interrupts him with, "Yeah, I'm not sad about you, I'm sad about leaving my friends." 

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Alright, then! Arie continues to be a class act and is like, "I know, I know you made friends." He tries to hug her again and she's like "See ya", and and then tells us that she just got broken up with for the first time, and she's like, so shocked.

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"He literally picked a taxidermist over me." Um, a taxidermist who's beautiful and has a great career and seems WAY MORE mature than you, JENNY.  

But. You know. Your personality really shined in those last few moments, so great job on making Arie feel better about his decision, cutie!

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And that's it for Episode 2! If you like these recaps, then you'll love my novel The Middle of Nowhere - you can pick it up on Kindle here! It's a perfect winter read that you can sink right into and won't want to put down. 

Until next week/tomorrow (fake wrestling! More private planes! A vineyard! Tears, tears, and more tears!)...Kiss kiss, Lovers!