'The Bachelor', Season 22, Episode 3: The Bachelor Version of Glow, Lauren Didn't Have Arie at Merlot, a Carnival Dog Show, & #Justice4Bibiana, Yo!
Welcome back, Bachelor Lovers! It's Week 3 in the Bachelor House, and this week did not disappoint: We're talking wrestling; tears; vineyards; tears; a dog show; more tears; and another cocktail party/rose ceremony and so many tears!
Let's get right to it, shall we?
Morning Has Broken / Like The First Morning / Krystal Is Still Annoying / And That's No Surpriii-i-iiissse
The ladies are lounging in the living room with puffy eyes and cups of coffee, chatting about the rose ceremony last night and how a lot fewer girls went home last than they expected. Bibiana is, surprisingly, seated next to Krystal, and catches us up on the fight they had the night before, where Bibiana basically told Krystal to step off when it comes to constantly interrupting other women - other women being Bibiana - when they're with Arie. Krystal, for her part, is like, "I'm not one to step away from confrontation, even though it's pretty apparent that Bibiana could pretty much murder me if she wanted to."
Chris Harrison arrives, looking tired and defeated. "I don't know, ladies," he tells them. "There's a lot of you here still, and and it's only going to get harder, and at one point, you have to ask yourself...do I really want to do this anymore?" The women nod at him, wide-eyed, some of them wondering if this is really about them or...? "For instance," he continues, "do I really want to keep hosting a show ripe with stereotypes and frustrating sexist tropes as well as some incredibly troubling racial issues? I'm not a spring chicken anymore. I'm looking a little long in the tooth, if you will. And I've already lost one marriage to this show..." He stares out wistfully, past the open French doors to the California vista beyond. "Maybe I should travel. Just for a while...see the things I've always wanted to see. And take my children with, get to know them all over again. Maybe, I don't know...play a few more games of golf. Or even date an age appropriate woman who has more going on in her life than just this show..."
A bird chirps outside while the women stare at him, open-mouthed. "Anyway," Chris says, quickly, "There's two group dates and a one-on-one. Here's your first date card." He throws the date card onto the table and runs out.
Lauren S., wearing a strange ensemble of a chiffon black crop top and navy yoga pants -
...reads out the date card. Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B., Tia, Marikh, Bekah, Bibana, and Krystal are on the group date, and the theme is, "It's all about the ring."
You'd Better Close Your Face and Stay Out of My Way / If You Don't Wanna Go to Fist City / Cause I'll Grab You By the Hair of the Head and I'll Lift You Off of the Ground /Which Is Not a Cool Way To Act But This Is The Bachelor and So Troubling Behavior Abounds
Tia tells us she just got the shit beat out of her a few days ago at the Demolition Derby, but she's trying to stay positive; Jacqueline tells us straight up that she's not athletic at all (feel you, girl) and she wants to make a good impression on Arie, but she's pretty positive that she's getting her ass beat today (love you Jaqueliiiiiinnnneee!).
The bus pulls up to a building with a very well-decorated marquee that just says, "GLOB":
...and walk in to find Chris announcing "heavyweight" champion Arie "The Kissing Bandit" Luyendyck Jr! Arie comes out of the...I don't know what that thing is called, but it's shiny and has streamers, etc - looking like the biggest nerd I've seen since the last time I competed in The Knowledge Bowl during high school.
Marikh is like, "There's a boxing ring, so this date probably has something to do with wrestling or boxing."
Nobody said the contestants were chosen based on their intelligence, so.
Chris invites them into the ring and welcomes them to GLOB - the Gorgeous Ladies of The Bachelor Wrestling. What? The best you could come with is GLOB? I know you want to shout-out the show GLOW (which, honestly, I'm sure they prefer that you didn't), ABC, but you couldn't just say, "WWB. Yeah, that's it - everyone will know what we're talking about, anyway."
Chris announces that the ladies will be actually wrestling in front of a live audience that night - get out of here! And here we all thought that this was going to just be a fun experience that they could enjoy without having to be put on display for the entertainment of others!
He also announces that they're going to be trained by two original members of the actual GLOW: Ursula Hayden, The Farmer's Daughter, and Angelina Altician, a.k.a., Little Egypt.
Bekah is SO OBSESSED. "This is cool!" She states, as Ursula (dressed like an old '80s Rocker/French Courtesan Time Traveler) and Angelina - (dressed like one of those "Look at all the cool stuff you can find at Arc's Value Village! A weird outfit with an EGYPTIAN-STYLE influence!" ads) come into the ring.
Ursula looks like she would much rather be home, relaxing with her pack of Camels, a brandy-flavored coffee, and a new episode of Dateline, but Angelina is, apparently, in her element. "this is about finding the right woman for the right man. Wouldn't you agree? So who wants it?"
The girls sort of half-heartedly raise their arms.
"Well, guess what," Urusua slurs, as she staggers toward them. "You're gonna have fight for it."
"I think she just spit on me," Jaqueline whispers to Lauren B.
"Me, too," Lauren B. whispers back. "It kind of smells like Scotch?"
The WOW veterans show the girls how to do a forward roll, and they make Arie goes first, who, again, effectively ruins any sexual attractiveness he might have had with his attempt. He doesn't know anything about wrestling! He's just looking for someone who's not uptight! Who can have fun in any situation!
Like for, instance, when a middle-aged female wrestler is literally bullying you in front of everyone else! Angelina is pissed that Lauren B. keeps smiling and tells her that she's "absolutely pathetic", and Ursula scolds the girls with "You guys are just LAUGHING like it's some kind of joke!" Um, maybe because Chris Harrison sold this as a "really fun" date?
Bibiana laughs back with "Thanks for the motivation?" and Angelina GOES for her. "Aw, did I hurt your feelings? What's your name? How do you spell that? Did your mom know how to spell when she gave you that name? It just doesn't even make sense?"
Tia's like, WTF -
But Krystal, on the other hand, is just standing there, smiling and laughing and thoroughly enjoying the whole thing.
What happened to wanting to see people become the best versions of "themself", Krystal?
Then, after that, Angelina goes after Tia, trash-talking her about how she needs to get serious, that she could annihilate her right now. Tia's like, "I believe you," and Angelina is like, "Wow, that is really sad, and you're trying to win Arie's love?!" and then Ursula comes up behind Tia and yanks on her ponytail. Tia is like, "NOPE, I'm out."
Angelina and Ursula are like, "Oh, see, she can't take it!" Take WHAT?! These women signed up for a fun group date with Arie, not to be bullied by some has-been grandmas who obviously think that a key component of "wrestling" means "abuse and humiliate people".
Tia and Bibiana leave the ring, go sit on the stairs, and talk to one another about how fucked up that was. And honestly, I kind of wish Annaliese was there to tell a story about being traumatized by bullying as a kid, because you can kind of see that Tia is reliving something. When you get that upset about an interaction like that, like Tracey McMillian says, "when you get hysterical, it's historical."
Bekah, however, just does not get why Tia is crying. "It's not scary, it's like dancing," she tells Racist Maquel. "It's like we're not actually hurting each other." Um, Bekah? She's not crying about the wrestling, she's crying about being purposefully humiliated and also borderline physically assaulted by two women who are supposed to be there to guide and teach all of you. "We're learning how to wrestle from the Glow chicks, they're running around, they're intimidating everybody, and so now Tia and Bibiana are, like, crying because they insulted them, but that's like, what wrestling is, it's a show."
"Like, has anyone ever watched WWE, it's what you do, it's theatrical."
Yeah, except they do that IN the ring, or when the cameras are actually rolling. They don't do it to people in real life.
Bibiana gives a Tia a pep talk about how they should both get back in there, that they can do this, they just have to stick together. The girls get back in the ring, and Arie comes up to comfort Tia, as he does. Tia and Bibiana work on their routine, and it's kind of nice, you know, how women can actually support and encourage each other instead of just being catty and mean and competitive.
*whispers* Hear that, Krystal?
Getting Strong Now / Working Hard Now / Impressing Arie Now
Then Chris comes back and lets it rip that in order to be a real wrestler, you have to have a persona! The women are like, Oh my gosh, FUN! I'm gonna be a superhero! Or a murdering doctor! Or an explosive firefighter-
NOPE! Bekah is a "Sex Kitten", Marikh is a "Golddigger", Krystal is a "Cougar -
Tia is a Southern Belle, and Bibiana is a Bridezilla! None of these are sexist stereotypes at ALL!
Chris is getting the crowd going by announcing, once again, Arie "The Kissing Bandit" Lyendyck Jr. -
while the ladies wait in the stands, anxiously anticipating their turn at wrestling stardom!
Chris is FULL of surprises today, because he announces that, while Arie thought he was just going to be watching in the stands, he's actually going to be wrestling in the first bout tonight.
I can't quite figure out if Chris likes Arie or not. It kind of feels like not?
And who's his wrestling opponent, might you ask? KENNY KING, the real-time wrestler (Pretty Boy Pitbull) and fan favorite from Bachelorette Rachel's season!
His walk-out music reminds me of the opening notes to the Beverly Hills, 90210 theme song, which inspires me to write, "Dear Future Amber: If you're ever forced to make a living from wrestling or boxing due to bad life choices or just from being tired of living overall, pick the theme to Beverly Hills, 90210 as your walk-out music." in my journal. Proving once again, The Bachelor changes lives!
Arie is terrified, and AGAIN, any remaining sex appeal he might have had goes right out of the ring as Kenny body slams him once, twice, THREE TIMES! Kenny is NOT holding back, except when he does, just in time for a staged move where Arie grabs Kenny by the legs and Kenny flips onto his back but makes it look like Arie is flipping him, and then suddenly the Ref is there, all "YOU WIN ARIE" like that didn't just happen to Arie FIFTEEN TIMES PREVIOUSLY.
Tia's like, "he freaking killed it" and suddenly America feels even more sorry for her.
Then it's onto the ladies! The first bout is between Bekah, The Sex Kitten, and Racist Maquel, The Lunch Lady (too bad this wasn't a movie where Maquel had to pretend she wasn't stunning in order to play a serious role, otherwise she probably would have been nominated for an Oscar). Bekah whips Racist Maquel on the ass a lot with her leather whip, until Racist Maquel takes it home by doing a bunch of wrestling stuff that I'm not going to bother learning the names of. Chris is ready with the tagline, "Lunch has been SERVED!"
Huh. Wonder if that was all for show or not.
Jaqueline has the poor luck of being paired up with Krystal, who decides she's not going to hold back because "Arie's looking for a strong woman" (really?), so she seems to forget all about the "fake" part of the wrestling and really starts tossing poor Jaqueline around. JAQUELINE IS SMART AND BEAUTIFUL AND WELL SPOKEN AND INTELLIGENT HOW DARE YOU YOU DAMN COUGAR WITH A FIRST NAME FOR YOUR LAST NAME AND A FIRST NAME THAT SHOULD HAVE DIED OUT BY 1985!
Then it's Marikh and Lauren B., who don't so much wrestle as act out every man's wrestling fantasy.
This part of the wrestling also includes some super fake audience shots, which is probably the most entertaining part of this date.
Bekah notes that the bout between Marikh and Lauren B. was weirdly sexual: The big move was Marikh laying Lauren B out on the floor, flipping up her skirt, and snatching out a wad of cash -
and at some point, it looks like they're going to make out. It's uncomfortable...
...and I, for one, would appreciate it if they would respect the dignity of the sport and keep the wrestling stereotypes where they belong, which is women fighting each other over men who don't deserve them.
Tia and Bibiana are next! They put on what is probably the only really entertaining bout -
...with Tia winning (who, by the way, looks adorns in her Southern Belle costume).
...and the crowd of goes fake-wild!
Sometimes I Wish I Lived in an Airstream / Homemade Curtains / Be Just Like a Gypsy / Straddle Arie and go to MakeOut Town / Get That Rose and Make Krystal Frown
The gang arrives at the Caravan Outpost, which is a collection of Airstreams (hey, I've been in one of those!). It also features a rustically-decorated barn, which is where everyone gathers to hear Arie drone on about the group date. He says something about how it was interesting to watch the women interact and see who's friends and who's uncomfortable, and Bibiana tells us again about her fight with Krystal, but how she's moved past it! And tonight, Arie's hers!
Except that he's Krystal's first! Lovers, I think I think I'm going to start writing a teen book series spoof where Krystal is the rich, blonde, snooty biznatch who keeps trying to steal everyone's boyfriends, and the girls all hate her because she acts one way around the girls and another way around the guys, and they also end up hating the guys she targets because they can't see past her fake bullshit. Also, Krystal is the PERFECT name for the vapid villain, don't you think?
Also, she's wearing a VELVET HOTPANTS ONESIE under a leather jacket, so.
Krystal and Arie go and sit down by an Airstream, and we are once again to treated to her fake, breathy, baby voice:
(Also note that Krystal literally commits the SNL joke of "I like this")
They sit down and immediately start cooing at each other and making out. Krystal affects her big dumb Bambi eyes and starts whispering to Arie, asking him what she's supposed to do on these group dates: "Do I just kick back? Or do I be aggressive, and..." Like they're in on some special secret or something and are working hard to fool everyone else into thinking that Arie is possibly interested in any of the other girls when really he's all in for Krystal.
"You just be...you're doing good," Arie eloquently replies.
"I want to make sure I don't get lost."
"Of course not," Arie says, brushing her hair back with his fingers. "And if you ever feel lost, just come grab me, and be like, "Yo gimme some attention, babe."
Do you have any idea what you just did, Arie? You fed the monster. You GAVE her permission to come and grab you a thousand times a night. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS, ARIE DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF WHAT YOU HAVE JUST DONE.
Lauren B. interrupts, and then we're treated to Krystal's recap of the events. "I asked Arie, 'Do you want me to be aggressive? Or do you want me to allow you to get to know the other girls?' and he told me that...he wants me to do...whatever is me. So if I feel like I need to be a little more assertive or a little more aggressive, then I will."
Great! Sounds great. Really looking forward to you upping the aggressiveness.
Bibiana, on the other hand, is talking to Tia about once again not appreciating Krystal's aggressiveness, and tells her that she really thinks she needs to voice her concerns with Arie. No. NO! NO, Bibiana, you do NOT do that! One of the CARDINAL rules of The Bachelor is that you do not use your time with the Bachelor to trash talk another woman, as doing so usually results in you getting sent home at the next Rose Ceremony.
She gets time with Arie, and it starts out well - Arie tells her that she did really well at the wrestling, and that she was cracking him up. Bibiana, though, dives right into how these group dates are intense and how she's so respectful of others in letting them get their time with Arie because she knows how important that it is to her and so she wants to give that to others. "And so, with Krystal, I just don't think it's cool." She goes on and on about it, and Arie's understandable in that he understand her frustration because "he's been there", but he also says the thing that I know is the death knell for her, which is that they only have so much time to get to know each other and he's hoping she can stop getting caught up in the drama of the house.
And that is WHY, all future contestants of this show, you do NOT bring up other women during your one-on-one time. Because it makes you look petty, and insecure, and it also shows the Bach person that you care more about trash-talking other people than you do about getting to know them.
Meanwhile, Racist Maquel, Marikh, Jaqueline, and Bekah are lounging in the barn, with Bekah once again talking about WWE and how the whole thing is "theatrical" (geez, Bekah, give a rest), when Krystal tries to nudge by Marikh and Racist Maquel so she can sit down in the center by Jaqueline. Bekah stops talking, obviously annoyed, and the expression on women's faces is priceless.
Krystal, apparently oblivious to the fact that Bekah was in the middle of saying something, coos, "Has everyone talked to Arie?" No one answers her, because it appears that she literally stole him first, did her Talking Head interview, and then came right back, so how WOULD they have already gotten time with Arie?
But no matter! She just bulldozes right on: "Like I feel great that I talked to Arie, and having that experience was so unique and awe-suuum, and I just want to all the girls to have their time, and not be stressed over fighting for it."
Thanks so much for thinking of the others AFTER you've already taken up a bunch of time with Arie, Krystal.
To us, she tells us that tonight was a lot of fun, and she got to offer Arie a lot of comfort and that she really feels like her and Arie's relationship is the strongest there.
Meanwhile, Arie and Tia are cozied up in an Airstream, talking about the date today and Tia's feelings and Arie being there to comfort her, and then they make out! The End.
Back at the Bachelor Mansion, the ladies are gathered 'round the living room, waiting for that doorbell to ring to signal a new date card. Chelsea's pretty sure she's going to be on the one-on-one date card, because Aire knows she's a mom.
That's it. Just because of that.
Oh, and also because it's the opportunity she's been asking for with Arie, which is "to figure things out and not waste any time." Again, having a child does not, in fact, mean that your time is more valuable than anyone else's. Just because you decided to give up time with your child to come on a reality show doesn't mean that everyone else needs to put their desires behind yours.
But it's Laura S. who gets the one-on-one date card instead! And the date card reads, "You had me at Merlot"...wonder what they're going to be doing? Do you guys have any clues? Man, they are really pulling out some real brain bustas for these date cards this season!
Back on the group date, Bekah is already snuggled up with Arie, like a babe in arms (geddit).
Arie asks Bekah what her longest relationship has been, and she answers that it was 2 and half to 3 years. And they were in love, and it was just one of those things where they were going in two different directions.
He broke up with her, and she thought she would be heartbroken for ever, but then a few days later, it was just like a relief, like a burden had been lifted off her shoulders! Arie's like, "yeah, and like sometimes it can take a long time to get over it, and you do really embarrassing stuff like flying to her city and leaving your journal on her front step for her to read, all in an effort to win her back, only to be rewarded with public humiliation when she tells you and all of America on national television that she didn't even read it."
And then somehow that conversation segue ways into a kiss, because this is Arie we're talking about here and why would he want to waste the whole time getting to know these women by actually talking to them?
Bekah hasn't has this much chemistry with someone in a really long time, and she feels really good about maybe getting the rose tonight.
"Nobody can steal my sunshine right now."
Back with the other women, Krystal is doing that thing where she's telling the other girls that she's SO nervous about that date rose lying on the table, and do the other girls feel good about their time with Arie? First of all, it's clear that she just wants someone to be like, "Oh my god, why would YOU be nervous? You and Arie have the strongest relationship out of ALL of us!" and that she also just wants to hear that the other girls didn't have as great of a time with him tonight as she did. But NOPE! Literally all of them reply that they had a really great time and connected with Arie in a really great way and had a lot of fun, and you can see Krystal's face drop more and more as each girl responds in the affirmative. "These girls are living in such a false reality," she tells us. "Because after having a one-on-one and such a strong connection, Arie and I, you know, have the strongest relationship in the house."
Okay, Krystal, you're not THE ONLY ONE who had a one-on-one with Arie, and if it was a bet between you and my hometown girl Becca on which one had the best NATURAL chemistry and connection with Arie, Becca from my homestate of Minnesota would win EVERY. TIME.
But no matter, because Krystal is feeling really confident that Arie's going to give Krystal that rose, even though she already got a pre-rose last week, so why be unselfish and not greedy when you can be totally arrogant and unrealistic?
But guess what: Bekah gets the rose instead! Mostly because she straddled Arie's lap while they were kissing earlier -
...but also because Arie thinks she did a really great job at the wrestling (and because she straddled him when they were kissing). Their chemistry is undeniable, though, and it was pretty delightful to watch Krystal's smile freeze on her face. Bekah told the group that she felt #blessed, and really grateful, and Krystal was like, "good, good", like she's First Wife and bringing in Bekah as Third Wife is all part her plan.
You Lost Me / It Was Over From The Start / You Completely Bored me, and Now I Have To Let You Go / You Never Even Had a Chance, You Know? / You Didn't Have Me At Merlot
It's a sunny day at the Bachelor Mansion, and Krystal is having a conversation with what appears to be Marikh, but savvy Bachelor watchers know it's really probably a producer. "I get hated on by girls," Krystal says, in a much deeper and authentic voice than she uses with Arie. This is a thing that certain women say when they want to do a soft brag about how much all men everywhere like them, and they think it's going to elicit sympathy, but really it just reveals that they're not a girls' girl.
"I remember when my best friend told me her boyfriend broke up with her in the 8th grade so he could date me, and I wouldn't date him! Because she was my best friend, but she was still like, "I will never bring a boyfriend around you again." She goes on to say that girls are really insecure around her, and she's aware that that's happening here, too, and the producers do a great job of splicing in shots of Marikh looking unconvinced, except that the lighting is totally different and either Krystal is sitting on a bench on the ground or Marikh is stilling on a bar stool, because their faces aren't level at all and you never see a shot of them sitting together, which is usually what they do when two people in the house are actually having a conversation.
And yeah, I DID think about becoming a detective at one point in my life, thanks so much for asking.
"I just feel I've struggled for so long and had to be so strong and carry so much on my own and be a provider and work so many hours and...I really just feel like I'm going, like, very far, and I really feel like, we know we want to end up together, and this is a process that just has to be done in order for us to be together."
To us, she tells us that once again she's turning over the incredibly interesting dilemma of whether she just sits back and lets things happen or if she needs to be aggressive, because "I just don't really want any competition."
Does she understand the point of this show?
Meanwhile, we see Lauren S. packing up her suitcase before her big date, which, again - savvy Bachelor watchers know that they really only show a one-on-one date recipient packing up her bags before her date because the editors need that footage to set the scene for later, when a producer comes into the house and rolls them away. Great job on giving away the progress of the date before it's even begun, guys!
"I'm going on a DATE TODAY!" Lauren S. gushes.
"The date card said, "You had me at Merlot"...I think it has something to do with wine!" Again, no points are awarded on this show for intelligence, so let's just ride that one out. Lauren S. also becomes the first one-on-one date recipient to talk about how a one-on-one date is exciting but also scary, because "you could go home." DOES ANYONE WHERE WE'RE GOING WITH THIS, ANYONE CATCHING ON TO HOW THIS DATE IS GOING, IT'S LIKE THEY'RE DROPPING CLUES LEFT AND RIGHT BUT I CAN'T DECIPHER THEM?!
She's also the second one-on-one to be able to get ABC their cash money from Sun Air chartered flights, AND mistakenly comment on the fact that Arie must have rolled out the red carpet for her. Arie announces that they're going to wine country -
...and tells us that Lauren S. is beautiful, mature, and has a great job - she's exactly what he's looking for in a wife!
That statement will change, I bet.
So they take off in the jet, with Arie keeping one hand in between Lauren S. thighs and one arm around the champagne bucket -
...and arrive in Napa Valley, which so peaceful that you can hear "the wind rustling through the leaves on the trees." They do some wine "cheers'ing" and then walk around the vineyard with wine glasses in hand, picking grapes, "cheers'ing" with grapes, and talking about what "quiet, laid-back lifestyle" living in Napa must be. WOW RIVETING SO GLAD I CARVED OUT TWO HOURS OF MY MONDAY NIGHT FOR THIS.
Which, incidentally, ushers in what's probably one of the most boring conversations in the entire history of this show. "Like you were saying, everything shuts down early," Lauren S. notes.
"Which is so perfect for me, because I like to go to bed early now," Arie shares, closing his eyes and tilting his head up in pleasure at the mere thought.
"Oh, me, TOO!" Lauren gushes.
"Are you early to bed, early to rise? Are you that type of person?" Arie asks, swirling his wine. "Do you love sleep?"
"Mmm," Lauren thinks, as all of America finds themselves perched on the edge of their seats, holding their breath as they wait for her answer. "I need my sleep, but I don't really like to sleep in."
"Mmm," Arie replies. "Like the last five years, I've just slowly started going to bed earlier."
"And wearing cardigans."
Honestly, if there ever was an appropriate time for a nuclear attack, it would have been after that moment, because The Bachelor just proved that we honestly no longer deserve to be on this earth.
But onto the evening/dinner portion of the date! Lauren S. can't stop talking - about her last year in college, about calling her mom, her love of music, what she buys at the store on Sunday, whether she thinks the Vikings will go to the Super Bowl or if that historical last 10-second play agains the Saints was just Prince letting everyone in Minnesota know that he loves and blesses them from above - and Arie can't stop eating out of boredom!
This is the part of the show where the producers play jokey music in the background, just to drive home that the date is not going well, and it's not because Arie can't hold up his own side of the conversation, but because this woman is obviously a crazy motormouth who actually thinks that someone on a date would want to get to know her hahahahaHAHAHA!
But just in case you missed that part, they spotlight a scene where Lauren shares that she just realized one of the reasons why her last relationship didn't work out was because there wasn't any romance. Arie asks her what were some of the things that were lacking, and Lauren answers with, "I think it was an initial chemistry."
Back at the Bachelor Mansion, the doorbell rings, signaling another date card. Krystal runs to get it, and does a cutesy curtsy-thing as she picks up the card from the weird "date card" pedestal, then brings it into the living room, where the women, - especially Annaliese, who's eager for another chance to show Arie who she really is - eagerly wait to see who's going to be on the next group date. Ashley, Becca K, Britney, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, and Annaliese are on the date card, and when Krystal reads, "Love is Ruff," the women groan, thinking it's going to be physically rough challenge. "Wait, maybe it's about dogs, how's 'rough' spelled?" Becca pipes up. "R-U-F-F," Krystal answers, and the women LITERALLY go wild - they jump and scream and cheers and I think at least one head explodes, showering the room with a zillion pieces of pastel-colored confetti.
All of them, that is, except for Annaliese! Who, wouldn't you know it, in her childhood, had a traumatic experience not only with a bumper car, but also with a dog!
Like, can you IMAGINE having a child like Annaliese, who is must have been so high-strung and nervous about everything? Those are the kind of kids that make me wish for the Industrial Revolution to come back, so you could just drop them off at some factory or mill and be like, "Just send me their earnings in the post" and then go on your merry way.
Back at the date, Lauren tells Arie that she hasn't been herself on this date, that she knows he's not looking for someone to give him specific answers or be a certain way, etc...implying that she's been in her head the whole time and has been kind of a wreck because she's nervous.
"You just have to be yourself," Arie replies. "Even though that's still not going to be good enough for me."
"I like me, and I'm cool with me," Lauren counters, "Even though I've been a little all over the place."
In response, Arie picks up the date rose. "You showed me a lot of you today, but it was more of "you" than I really wanted to see. For instance, I haven't even gotten to cut off our conversation with a cringe-inducing kiss even once during this date, and instead have been forced to have an actual conversation with you, which is not something I enjoy doing with anyone. I've enjoyed my meal, as evidenced by the fact that this was probably only one out of five dates total in Bachelor history that showed the people actually eating their dinner, but I have not enjoyed the company of an intelligent, age-appropriate woman who might challenge me with her own thoughts and opinions. I can't give you this rose, because I can't waste your time, or mine, honestly, since I would much rather make out with women who are younger than me by ten years or more. I'm very sorry. Please leave the vineyard in a limo full of tears while I fly back to LA in my chartered jet."
"Clair de Lune" by Debussey plays as Arie walks her out to the limo, and Lauren S. - who is apparently unable to fit her arms through any of her jackets - reaches out from under her leather jacket to hug him goodbye, and then tells us that she feels bad because she feels like she wasn't able to be herself today, and that Arie is a sweet person and that she's missing out on that.
I think you'll be just fine, Lauren S.
Back at the Mansion, the women hear a door slam and watch as a producer gabs Lauren's bag and rolls it out of the house. A chorus of "oh my god!" erupts, and mouths fall open all over the room from shocked and dismayed women.
Oh, except, Krystal, who instead looks like this is just another confirmation of her and Arie's special secret.
Caroline immediately starts sobbing, and we're treated to a weird retreating shot of Arie standing in front of a window, holding the date rose aloft.
"She really is a beautiful soul," Krystal begins preaching to the girls, as if Lauren was just injured in a tragic grape-stomping accident instead of merely sent to a hotel to wait out the rest of filming before she could fly home, "And really brings a light to the room. And it's just really crazy how early on this is, it's only the third one-on-one and it's just so early in this process to send someone home and I just think it just shows how serious Arie is about me-...I mean this!"
Caroline gives a Tia a major, "We hate this bitch, right?" lewk,
"I mean if he's not feeing it, he's moving on," Krystal continues, as if anyone in the room even remotely asked for her opinion. "I love Lauren S. a lot, but she confided in me that she has a really hard time opening up and being vulnerable-"
"As a defense mechanism," Bekah interjects, and I'm like, "YEAH, probably because of moments JUST LIKE THIS, when some bish is using her words and private conversations to paint a picture of her on national television without her knowledge and consent."
"Yeah," Krystal continues, "and we sat on the couch and had an amazing conversation and really bonded over it, and I said you need to be vulnerable, you need to open up, because you don't know when you'll have a moment to do that."
Caroline gets up and leaves the room, not being able to handle any more of this bullshit. Becca meets her in the hall, gives her a hug, and Caroline tells her that she's literally going to kill Krystal, "Like she won't shut up and I'm like, not now."
"And I give that advice to everyone here," Krystal continues, like she's holding court. "Because I've been on the group and I've been on the one-on-one-" Hey guys, did you know that Krystal had a one-on-one with Arie? "And, I've gotten to know Arie and I just say, like, when you have time with Arie, just, like, make the most of it. Because it's not guaranteed."
Jesus effing Fishsticks, are we talking about being sent home on a one-on-one or are we talking about dying from cancer?!
"Like, get off your high horse and stop being so condescending to everybody because you, like, met his dog," Caroline complains to Becca. To us, she's like, "I'm literally crying cause my friend is gone and Krystal's like, Yeah, I know, she's gone. I would just like her to go home."
Caroline, we love you, but Krystal can't go home because without her, we won't have a show. But as a consolation prize, please accept this GIF of James Spader, which is basically my personal Seal of Approval, because I really like you now.
Me and You and Some Doggo's Too / Doin' Tricks for the Shoppin' Man / Me and you and Some Doggos Too / How I Love Being a Race Car Man
It's time for the second group date of the week! Walking his dog in the park (which, incidentally, is not a euphemism for masturbation...this time), Arie tells us that it was really hard saying goodbye to Lauren S, but not THAT hard, because now it's time for him to hang out with a group of beautiful and interesting ladies who are all going to be diminished into a bunch of nameless women whose only goal in life is to win his boring attention! Right on cue, these women run out from behind a tree, squealing and screaming at the sight of Arie's white chicken legs in shorts, black socks, and brown Converse.
Annaliese tells us that the last group date she was on, the demo derby, was a nightmare because she was basically crying the whole time, but now on this date she can just relax and enjoy herself..."unless we're doing, like, extreme sports with dogs."
Which, wouldn't you know it, they ARE! A whole pack of dogs come running out to greet the girls, and they're told that today theyre going to be working with dogs and teaching them how to do tricks, which they will then perform on stage in front of a live audience!
Annaliese, however, has had a couple of scary experiences with dogs...like this one time, when she was little and her parents were out of the country (extraneous information, but thanks for sharing anyway) and she was staying with her grandparents, their grandparents' old dog up and bit her in the face. The whole story is narrated by the best faux-Dateline interstitial ever, because you should expect nothing less than from the best reality TV editors in the business.
And also, for future reference, whenever a show asks you what your greatest fear is, you need to give an answer like, "Falling into a pool of milk chocolate!" or "Being massaged for three hours by a Channing Tatum lookalike!" You never tell them your actual fears, because as everyone who ever watched a single episode of this show knows, that's the first list the producers go to when they're thinking up date ideas.
Back at the Bachelor Mansion, Tia and Bibiana are discussing the fact that the group date is certainly definitely getting to play with dogs, and they say a little prayer to God to thank her for the day, to thank her for their friendship, and to ask for one of the women to get bit by a dog. Not sure if that's really the way that God wants us to pray, but okay!
Back on the group date, the women learn how to do different tricks with the dogs, and this is seriously my dream date - like just put me in a park with a bunch of dogs, or on the saddle of a horse, or in a hot tub in an open field, or on a private jet on its way to Paris, and I'm happy! Like Bekah, I am also easy to please - I don't need a lot to entertain me! Just dogs and horses and hot tubs and private jets!
They all get suited up in their costumes and do the slow walk to The Grove (Hey, I've been there!) where they're going to perform in font of a live audience.
Using the same music as I used to use for my podcast Pizza Rainbow (fucking LOVE you, Paulson!), we gaze upon the audience, and then are treated to Chris Harrison's co-host for "Arie's Amazing Acrodogs" show, Mr. Fred Williard! For those who are not familiar with one of the greatest improv comedy minds of our time, this is a brilliant tie-in by the producers, as Fred once starred in the ultimate Christopher Guest production, "Best in Show" (and honestly, if you haven't watched all of Christopher Guests' movies, please take look at your life choices and adjust accordingly, because they all are sheer DELIGHTS).
Chelsea is first on stage, and while she looks gorgeous (see, I can be nice), she thinks she's going to crush it because doing stuff in front of a live audience ain't no thang. And yet, her dog won't do any of her tricks, and even this two year old who stumbles onto the stage is like, "Really? You can't even get a dog to sit? What kind of mother are you?!"
All the other women also have trouble with getting their dogs to do the tricks, and honestly, the only good thing about their performances are the props, which were being played by Britney. And let me tell you - she was killing it!
Annaliese also had the role of pooper scooper, which is humiliating, but that's what you get when you act like a baby instead of a big girl and also the pooper scooper was rimmed in rhinestones, so really, it was a very fancy job and she should have taken more pride in her work.
And apparently this also happened, but we never got to see it? WTF, ABC.
Arie Doesn't Want This Love to be a Lasting Thing / Right at the Bottom, That's Where Annaliese Ranks /
Honestly He'd Rather Be Paying Attention to This Baaa-aaa-aaank
It's time for the cocktail/evening portion of the group date, and Arie and the women arrive at an old bank that's been turned into a bar/restaurant called Reserve. The women go way crazier over how cool this place is than it actually merits, which is always a sure sign that it's a paid tie-in. Arie's like, "Today was amazing, but let's hurry up and get to the kissing portion of this date, so cheers everybody, and Chelsea, would you like to join me in a back room?" Chelsea is like, "OMG, YES!" and gushes to us that he really wants to get to know her and that he's taking this seriously. While I'm pretty sure it's not her personality that Arie really wants to get to know better, you know what, guys? I don't hate Chelsea. I think, if the producers are doing someone dirty this season and pulling a Courtney Robertson/Olivia Caridi, it's her, and not Krystal. She's not my favorite - that's reserved for Hometown Girl Becca and Porcelain Doll Jacqueline and Yale Goddess Sienne - but I don't hate her.
While Chelsea's talking and Arie's counting down the minutes until he can stop pretending to listen and can finally kiss her again, the women are talking about how they love seeing him and spending time with him but that they have to recognize that they're sharing him with other people right now. Annaliese tells us that it's hard to feel behind when it seems like the other women are really starting to form these relationship with Arie and are really hungry for more time to make those relationships stronger. Basically, Annaliese and Arie are still at surface level and she's hoping to go deeper.
But Caroline's first! Laying on his arm, she and Arie talk about the last time he was in love, which was 5 years ago when he was on Emily's season, and the superficial relationships he had after that as a defense mechanism against him getting hurt again. Caroline once again drops that she's not used to competing for a man's attention (girl, we get it, you're beautiful, you're a prize, you were literally Miss Massachusetts Teen U.S.A.), but she "likes this", which makes it the SECOND time that someone has dropped the SNL line (which, it's the classic spoof line for a reason) on this show.
Annaliese, meanwhile, is drinking some kind of hard liquor on the rocks (how come nobody's talking about THAT, huh? We only talk about it when BEKAH drinks it?!) and freaking out about wanting to get her time. The energy is a little desperate, and she even tells us that she's planning on being a little more aggressive with Arie. Guys, I like Annaliese, but she's too delicate for this show. She's sweet and nice and darling and beautiful, but she is not emotionally equipped to deal with the constant insecurities that plague literally everyone who decides to immortalize themselves on The Bachelor. She's still crying over Bumper Cars...can you imagine what would happen if she got taken on a 2-on-1?!
So anyway, she sits down with Arie, and is like, "How are things going?" Arie mumbles something about it being good but also difficult because some relationships are going faster than others, and we can see, and Annaliese can see, that he's talking about her, and it's honestly a little humiliating because that's through no fault of Annaliese's, yet Arie is painting the picture that it is. Annaliese tells him that this situation is so weird because the anticipation gets built up and then when she finally sees him, she's nervous, and Arie's eyes sort of glaze over and he's like, "Yeah, it is a weird situation. This place is cool, though."
And that, my friends, is called a soft dumping.
Chelsea walks in and is like, "Hey guys, can I interrupt?" Annaliese sort of smiles, like, "Really, bitch?" and ARIE says, "Surrre." Annaliese does that sort of embarrassed laugh that you do when someone has just hurt your feelings, and my heart just HURTS for her, because it's so obvious in that moment that Arie is dissing and dismissing her. Like, this is why it's not okay having boring, mediocre men like Farmer Chris or either Bens or Arie on The Bachelor: They cannot be trusted with the kind of power that they get to wield on this show.
Chelsea just came in there to steal a kiss, which of course is all Arie really wants from these women, anyway, and Annaliese states the obvious: That when he's kissed so many of these women here but he hasn't kissed you, it really makes you start to wonder. She walks back to the girls and says, "I think I'm going home. Like, honestly." And friends, she's not wrong.
Minnesota's Own Becca and Arie have some time together, and their chemistry on every level is undeniable. Becca calls him out on being a dork, he also calls her out on being a dork, and it's really sweet and adorable until he ruins it by telling her that she looks really good in yoga pants (like, ew, Arie). They laugh and kiss and Becca is the best and that's it.
Except that Arie gives the date rose to Chelsea, for honestly no reason! He says it's because "she stood out" but we all know that only means it's because she interrupted another woman so she could "steal another kiss" (ew). It was a slap in Hometown Hero Becca's face and I will not accept it.
At The Copa / Copacabana / A Couch That Was Built by Bibiaaaaana / At The Copa / Copacabana / Arie's Gonna Make Out With Everyone / But Heeeerrrrrrr
Cocktail party time! Bekah says that everyone's a little tense going into this rose ceremony tonight, and "rightfully so...I don't have a read on who's going home." Which is always a great thing to say when you already have a rose!
Annaliese's palms are really sweaty (Annaliese. Stop talking about your sweaty palms) and she's anxious to see if she and Arie have a physical connection. Caroline gives her really good advice when she tells her to not worry about what kind of connection Arie has with everyone else, to just focus on the time she has with him. Great advice! I don't think Annaliese is going to take it.
Arie pulls up in his dumb sport car and walks into the mansion, giving another boring speech about what an amazing week it's been. Has it? Because it honestly feels like the most boring and annoying episode that I've ever watched on this show (though being forced to go to the freaking BADLANDS with Farmer Chris as one of his destination dates is probably a close second).
Arie pulls Sienne aside first (good going, Arie!) while Bibiana tells us that the mistakes that were made last week are not going to happen again. Especially since she's set up a special cabana area for just the two of them - a couch/day bed with a telescope, pillows, what looks like question cards, tables with candles, etc. It's very "her" - "being in a cabana and gazing at the stars is very me", and it's also very private, which is exactly what Bibiana wants for her time with Arie that night. And she's so excited to show Arie her little romantic set-up!
EXCEPT! Arie walks out there with Lauren S, and is like, "Oh wow, amazing. Did you set this up?" And Lauren S. is like, "I didn't", and instead of being like, "Oh, then this is probably someone else's thing, let's go somewhere else," he's like, "Okay, let's try it" and has her look through the telescope. Lauren's like, "Arie brought me out to this really romantic setting" and all of America is like, "That wasn't not for YOOOOUUUU!".
Arie's like, "I really wanna kiss you" and we have to actually hear the smooching sounds as they kiss. Bibiana walks up to HER CABANA, THAT SHE SET UP, just in time to see him kiss Lauren on HER CABANA and Arie's like, "Hey, can I get five more minutes?" and right then and there I have never hated Arie so, SO MUCH for being so stupid and dumb and inconsiderate. Bibana's like, "Uh, yeah," and walks away and it is SO FRUSTRATING because you just want her to be all, "Actually, that's my thing that I set up for you, could you not make out on it with a hot blonde girl, thanks so much" but of course she can't.
Bibana is like, "it's hard to see someone take advantage of all your hard work" as Arie leads literally every other girl in the house over to her special set-up, glowing in their compliments of how pretty it all is, and IT IS THE WORST.
Arie and Bekah lay down on Bibi's couch, and Arie asks her if she wants to get married, and she's like, "yeah!" and he tells her that he feels like he's guarding his heart a little bit around her, and she's like, "You wanna know why? Because I'm unsafe." Arie's like, "Yeah?" and props himself up on the pillows as Bekah smugly continues on with her Gone Girl monologue: "And you wanna know why? I think it's cause you know that I don't need you." She goes on to tell him that based on what he's told her, he's been consistently attracted to people who need him more than he need them. "And it's scary to be with someone who doesn't need you to complete them."
"Oh you're good," Arie laughs. "You're kind of nailing the...nailing the...nailed it."
"And that's why you like moms, too," she tells him.
"Gosh, you're like blowing my mind right now. You're so risky for me. I love it."
Meanwhile, Lauren S. is gushing to everyone about how Arie kissed her, which is causing Annaliese's anxiety to mount.
She looks in the fridge for something to eat, she pours another glass of wine, she reapplies her lip gloss, she does a Tarot Card reading, anything she can think of to take her mind off of the fact that they had a miserable time last night and that everyone else in the house has had Lamphrey Luyendyck's lips all over their faces except for her.
Arie leads Tia to a special spot he's set up for her, which is a bunch of hay bales set up by a roaring fire with some Moonshine for good measure. Friends, I've had Moonshine, and it is not a special something you give to someone you fancy. It is something that you give to someone that you want to make miserable and possibly kill. Arie loves a country girl, and Tia makes him laugh...too bad all he has to offer her is a bunch of uncomfortable hay bales and some grain alcohol!
The women all agree that Annaliese is the only one who hasn't kissed Arie yet. Annaliese attempts to rectify this by bringing Arie up to a balcony, and they talk about how she's been a little stressed and nervous, and she points out that one of the reasons for that is because he hasn't kissed her yet, and she was kind of hoping that it would have happened last night. He gets a little flirty and is like, "Are you asking me to kiss you?" and she says something about how she's heard that he kind of waits for the woman to make the first move but that she's not really that kind of girl, and Arie's face sort of changes and he's like, "I don't think we're quite there yet." Annaliese's face immediately falls and again, it is THE WORST. EVERYTHING ON THIS EPISODE IS THE WOOOOOORRRRRSSSSTTTT.
Kendall interrupts, and so Arie walks off with her, and Annaliese goes into a bathroom and starts to tear up about being publicly rejected,. Chelsea goes in and checks on her (good job, lady), and you do feel bad for Annaliese - maybe she and Arie don't have chemistry, but Arie will literally kiss anything in sight but he won't kiss her? Not even just to see? It seems weirdly mean (even though of course no one is ever expected to or should have to kiss anyone).
So of course, he goes off and kisses Kendall, and then straight up MAKES OUT with Jenna, who's straddling him the best she can in her long white evening dress -
...while Annaliese tearfully talks to Chelsea and Marikh about going back there and giving it one last shot with Arie. Which she does - she interrupts Caroline with Arie, while the ladies hang out just a few feet away, observing and eavesdropping. She basically puts Arie on the spot (which he totally deserved, btw) about whether he ever sees the potential there with her, or if his "I don't think we're there yet" was just him trying to let her down easy. The dude is like, "You know, going into the rose ceremony, I haven't thought a lot about it yet" and I'm like, "Are you kidding me? Your whole JOB is to put a lot of thought into the rose ceremony!" He tells her that he really doesn't think he sees a future for them, and she takes it like a champ. He walks her out, and she tearfully tells us that she wishes she hadn't gotten so far into her own head and that this environment seemed to bring out this manic crazy person inside of her, and now she's scared she'll never find love, which is her biggest fear.
Arie watches her as she walks off into the night, and stand there for a few minutes pretending to look sad. He tells us that it's always hard to send someone home, but that Annaliese needed and answer in that moment - like she somehow pushed his hand - and he just didn't see them progressing. Of course you didn't, because you were too busy sucking face with everyone else to have an actual in-depth conversation with her, but okay.
Racist Maquel tells the other ladies that Annaliese has left the house, that Arie sent her home. No, actually, ARIE didn't send her home, because he didn't even have the forethought to know who he was going to send home at the rose ceremony or not...Annaliese wanted to know if she should keep wasting her time, and he told her no, so she left.
Rose Ceremony time!
We find out that Arie STILL hasn't talked to Bibiana, which fills America with RAGE. She tried to interrupt you when you were with Lauren S. and you didn't go and find her after?! WHY IS ARIE TURNING OUT TO BE THE WORST INSTEAD OF THE BEST. WHY IS NICK LOOKING LIKE A MUCH BETTER BACHELOR THAN ARIE. WHY IS EVERYTHING GOING THE OPPOSITE WAY THAN HOW I WANTED IT TO THIS SEASON.
Arie walks in and makes a bullshit speech about having to make another hard decision tonight, but the positive is that it means he gets to spend more time with the peopele he see potential with, including the person he could potentially end up with at the end of all of this. Like, great words for the person you send home to think back and reflect on, ya dick.
And wouldn't you know it, he sends Bibiana home!
She hugs everyone goodbye, Arie walks her out, and everyone in the world is DYING for her to be like, "First of all, that was MY cabana that you used to mack on all the girls with, and you didn't even have the decency to come and talk to me all evening", slap him, and then sashay into the night.
But she doesn't! Instead she cries about being broken and how she just needs someone to give her a chance...
But we know that our Bibi is gonna rise from those tear-soaked ashes and become the superhero we deserve (like, say, on The BacHelor Winter Games...?).
WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU, BIBANNNNAAAA THAT WAS YOUR COUCH AND WE WILL DEFEND IT TO THE DAY YOU OR PREFERABLY ARIE DIESSSSS
And that's it for week 3!
If you like these recaps, then you'll love my novel The Middle of Nowhere - you can pick it up on Kindle here! It's a juicy page-tuner perfect for sinking into on a cold winter's day. You won't want to put it down!
Until next time, Lovers! Kiss Kiss -