Amber L. Carter
Writer. Professional Intuitive. International Fashion Model.
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Bachelor Monday Rewind: ‘The Bachelorette’, Season 8, Episode 8: Hometowns Are The Perfect Place To Fall In Love, Everybody!

To get you up to speed on some Bachelor History and ready for the new season of The Bachelor, Season 22: Arie Is Old, I'll be posting Bachelor Monday recaps of the first Bachelor season that Arie Luyendyk Jr. subjected America to his kissing style: The Bachelorette, Season 8: Emily Has a Daughter! (It was also the first Bachelor season I ever recapped! #tears). You can also now follow along with the retro-season by watching Season 8 on ABC online!

Please share with all of your Bachelor-watching friends! Especially because if I have to see "Who the eff is Arie?!" one. more. time. on my #TheBachelor Twitter feeds, I'm gonna half'ta poison someone's Flat Tummy Tea.

Also, because I am not effective at managing my time, this week will be a triple-header and next week's Bachelor Monday will be a double. #BachelorBingeReading! 

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This week on The Bachelorette, we got to go to the hometown of each remaining Rose Bud (Lumpy Space Princess Chris, Jef With One F, Arie, and Sean) to meet their families and pretend-sweat it out over whether or not they’ll approve or Emily.

And yes, it was just as boring as it sounds.

At the beginning of last night’s episode, we see Emily coming home to Ricki after a couple of weeks of making out with guys across Eastern Europe. The next week is filled with Hometown Dates, Emily shares, and she takes this opportunity to tell us everything we already know about the guys that are left and how she feels about them. Which means we’re starting to get into the part of season where each episode is bloated with misty-filtered flashbacks, because there’s only so much storyline to be had when there’s only four guys left. This is bad for those of us who have been watching every single episode and who do not, in fact, have issues with short-term memory loss, but good for those who have taken it upon themselves to join the journey right at this exact point.

Chris Is Polish & From Chicago. Yawn. 

So there was a lot of that, and then we meet Chris in Chicago, where he feels “in his element” and is excited for what he is sure is to be “one of the most important days” of his life. And then I fast-forwarded through a date with him and Emily because he bugs me and I almost can’t stand to look at his face.

But I decided to watch the stuff with his family. Basically, his father belongs to the Polish mafia, his sister is a bitch, his mom is cool, they dance to a live traditional Polka band every night before bed, and their dining room table only has enough chairs for one side. The End.

Oh! And his dad decides to lie to Chris about Emily telling him during their “Let’s Talk About Chris” conversation that she’s falling in love with Chris, which Chris totally believes, despite Emily’s contractual obligation to not say the “L” word to any of the guys (except that she kind of sort of breaks that later, but anyway!). So that was fun.

 Chris’ father.

Chris’ father.

The Sister Wives of Holmstead Ranch

And then it’s Mormon Time in Utah with Jef With One F! Emily meets Jef at his family’s “ranch” in St. George, Utah, where Jef & Emily shoot at clay pigeons (hilarious moment of the episode – Emily “pretends” to “have no idea how to hold a shotgun”, and then ends up shooting every target perfectly). Emily is extra-nervous to meet Jef’s family, since he told her in Prague that he once broke up with a girl because his family didn’t like her. Jef tells her not to be nervous, especially since his parents won’t even be there – his parents are in South Carolina. Doing “charity work”…

DID ANYONE ELSE CATCH THAT TOTALLY OBVIOUS VOICEOVER DUB WHEN HE SAID THAT?!

I’m pretty sure that he said “mission work” originally, though he could have said the name of the organization his parents were doing “charity work” with, and that’s why they had to voice over dub it, but still. Anyway, Jef has already talked to the press about his Mormon roots and confirmed that his parents are doing mission work with the LDS church and that, even though Jef was raised Mormon, he’s just not “practicing” right now.

And then we think, “Who cares?” According to the ads on the radio, even black skatingboarding artists are Mormons now! And you gotta admit…those Sister Wives are actually pretty nice people.

So anyway, Emily meets Jef’s two sisters, his brother and his brother’s wife, who are all really nice, despite the fact that they seem to only like talking about values and sound principles and fundamentals and super boring stuff like that. I don’t think I was the only one who half-expected everyone to break out some bibles and gather in for a prayer session.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

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So then Jef and Emily go and watch the sunset on the cliff of some Utah mountain, where Jef reads her a five-page note about being in love with her. Which…I love Jef With One F, but there’s something about him saying he loves Emily that I just don’t really believe. I think he wants to be in love with Emily…but when he says it, it just feels like he’s lying. But Emily obviously doesn’t think so, and so they make out in front of the sunset, and the camera pans to their full wine glasses just so we understand that this is a fully-sanctioned Bachelor-type makeout.

Arie & Emily Go Dutch

Next up, Emily meets Arie at his hometown in Arizona. Arie shows up, looking super hot (or “stupid hot”, as Emily says) as he gets out of his race car and kisses Emily.

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He takes her on an Indy car ride, tells us more about his family (his dad has won the Indy 500. Twice. And his family is Dutch!), and hopes that Emily won’t hate them. Or that his mom won’t hate her. I forget which one.

So they show up at the home of Arie’s family – his mom is a total bombshell, his twin brothers look like total dorks, his sister is, like, barely even there, and his dad seems funny and nice. They speak Dutch in front of Emily, ABOUT Emily, which is beyond rude but also kind of hot…because, I mean, Arie speaks Dutch. Then Emily and Arie’s mom have a heart-to-heart, Arie’s dad and Arie have a heart-to-heart, everyone loves Emily, blah blah blah.

I am totally bored with this episode already.

Sean’s “Simple” (aka, Perfect) Life

Emily meets Sean in Texas, where they have some alone time together. Emily gushes about how easily Sean’s Everyday Life would blend into her Everyday Life, and to be fair, it’s kind of true: If there were any two more golden people in the world, we have yet to find them. Sean shares that he doesn’t really open up to girls very often, and hasn’t really developed strong feelings for the women in his past. Which kind of gives me pause…I feel like Sean is perfect for Emily, but there is something there that does seem to be holding him back.

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Apparently, the “simple” life that Sean’s family leads includes a simple existence in a gorgeous house with a bunch of beautiful people. Sean’s family is AWESOME – his dad, OMG! So adorable. They’re kind of into dorky pranks, though (aka, Sean lives at home! And is a total slob who loves stuffed animals! We’re grilling Armadilla for dinna! HAHAHAHA!), which would get super old super fast. But all in all, it was all so…perfect.

Hometown Dates Lead To Heartache

Rose ceremony time! And apparently, no one was expected to pay attention to anything that was happening during the entire episode, since we are forced to watch highlights from all the hometown dates AGAIN. And then Emily starts crying, because she has to send someone home tonight, and she doesn’t want to hurt them OR their families (which actually kind of made me feel bad, too, when she talked about not wanting their family to feel like it’s a reflection on them. Emily! Why you gotta be so sweet all the fucking time?!).

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“I am ten times the man that those other guys are. Say it. SAY THAT I AM!”

But too bad, because Chris gets the shaft. YAY! And then he proceeds to throw A MAJOR FUCKING TEMPER TANTRUM. He acts like, instead of having dumped him, Emily stole from the company bank account, saying stuff like “I’m shocked, frankly. I mean, is there some type of explanation, or…?” while he levels her with a stern gaze, all pissed off. He’s so defensive it’s crazy. “I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU! HULK SMASH EMILY HEART!” In the car, he moans about not having felt this way (i.e., in love) in a long time…which is heartbreaking, especially since THE GUY IS ONLY TWENTY-FIVE. And then he declares that he’s “ten times the man that all those dudes that are still there are.” No you’re not, Chris. And it’s the fact that you think that and then actually say it out loud that makes it untrue.

Next week, it’s Fantasy Date time in the Caribbean! Which means that they’re all gonna do it! Except for maybe Jef, who might be saving himself for marriage. But wait…I know fully practicing Mormons would wait until the wedding night, but if you’re a non-practicing Mormon, maybe you’re cool with doing the hibbity-dibbity before the vows?

Tune in next week to find out!

Written & published July 03, 2012

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