Amber L. Carter
Writer. Professional Intuitive. International Fashion Model.
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Bachelor Monday Rewind: 'The Bachelorette', Season 8, Episode 9: Curacao Is The Perfect Place To Get Your Heart Broken, Everybody!

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This week, Emily and her Rose Buds descend upon Curacao! 

Where THE FUCK is Curacao? Has anyone ever even heard of this place before? Everyone on The Bachelorette kept talking about it like, "Oh, yeah, of course, it's awesome to be here in Curacao" and everyone else in the entire world was like, "Where?! You're in Kalispell? Morocco? The mythical lands of Cure-A-Spell?" Turns out, Curacao (correctly pronounced "Cure-a-sow") is in the Caribbean and is a constitute of the Kingdom of the Netherlands.

And, surprise! They also paid The Bachelor Franchise to use this episode as a glorified tourist ad because obviously they also get that no one knows where the fuck this place is.

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This recap is going to be short, since we're at the point now where at least 50% of the episode - the beginning, the lead-in to each date, and the convo with Chris Harrison - is all recap filler from previous episodes. Fun! This is helpful, since we've forgotten every single thing that has happened in the season so far. This is definitely not the type of series where you try to remember stuff like the things that people say or do to one another, since that stuff typically has no bearing on predicting future relationships.

Emily is at a difficult point with each of the three guys who are left. Meaning: She must decide tonight whether or not she's going to do the hibbity dibbity with each one of them in the Fantasy Suite.

White Sean-y Beaches

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While Sean is Emily's golden boy and is pretty much perfect in her eyes, he's still the only one who hasn't told Emily how he feels about her yet. He's the only one who hasn't yet told Emily he loves her. This is incredibly odd and annoying to Emily, since the other two guys have told her this already and everyone knows that people are supposed to move at the exact same pace when it comes to love, especially when your romance is playing out in front of a national audience and the other person is contractually obligated to only say "thank you" instead of admitting their feelings for you, too!

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But Emily cannot let it go. Sean must tell her that he loves her.

Which means, of course, that Sean is probably going home.

For those of you keeping track at home, this is a recurring theme during the last few dates on the Bachelor seasons. Most recently, Ben did this to...well, pretty much every single one of the girls whose name wasn't Bitchface Courtney. The Bachelor or Bachelorette is anxiously awaiting for one of the Buds to open up to them - to open their heart, to get closer, to say those three little words - because they just can't move forward until they get that from them. And then they push and lead the Bud into it, and then, surprise! Thanks for spilling your guts, please accept this chartered ride back home. 

Sean, on his end, knows that his feelings are real and strong, and like an actual person, he's decided to just wait until the moment feels natural to tell her. Sean comes close to telling Emily that he loves her while they're having their beach date, but doesn't, and Emily looks irritated. Because it's totally okay to want someone to say that to you when you can't say that back, right? And it's totally expected that it would be easy for someone to say that after a completely orchestrated series of weeks getting to know each other in an artificial and heavily-produced environment, yeah? And Emily is mystified - she feels like there's just something in him that just will not let him go there yet.

Maybe...like...the fact that he could say it and then just get dumped right after? Maybe something like that? 

Great things about the date:

* Emily knows how to wear a freaking pair of shorts. Like, WHOA.

* Emily knows how to wear a freaking bikini. WOWZA.

* Even though it's none of my business, I really, really want to know if Emily's had a boob job. Because if she hasn't, it's proof positive that God loves her more than all of us.

* Sean wrote THE SWEETEST letter ever to Ricki. It wasn't gross or icky or presumptuous or anything! It was full of the perfect things to say when you're dating a child's parent. 

So Sean confesses his love to Emily. And this is probably the one moment that I've not liked Emily, because she just eats it up, and it feels like she didn't want to hear it because she feels the same way...she wants to hear it because it's just good to hear.

They decide to accept the key to the Fantasy Suite, but much like Emily did with Brad during his season, she explains that while she would love to spend more time with him, she doesn't feel comfortable spending the night. Even though Sean is super hot and they make out a bunch in the hot tub. Even though both of them obviously want to make the most of out of the "fantasy" portion of the Fantasy Suite. But Emily is a lady and Sean is a gentleman, and they end the evening kissing at the door, and Sean saying that he knows that she's going to be his wife someday.

Sigh.

Jef & Emily Are On a Boat!

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Jef With One F and Emily cruise around the well-known island of Cure-A-Spell and talk a bunch about their families again. BOOOORRRINNNGGG. Leave that stuff back at the hometown dates, you guys. THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE FOR!

Jef has some questions, though, because in case you haven't noticed, this isn't all about Emily. Jef has a life, too, you know. So he wants to know more about Emily and Riki and how that will all work. As usual, it's obvious from their conversation that it will work perfectly, because if you love kids and the love of your life has a kid, it's bound to be perfect, right? You can solve all the unknowns with a conversation before ever even meeting the kid, you guys! 

Emily looks great in a bikini again, and her and Jef jump into the water a lot, and at one point she wraps her legs around him while they're in the water, and it's kind of hot, but the two of them together still kind of makes me think of a hot teacher having sex with her student. Jef and Emily's date is so perfect that Jef feels like he honestly couldn't have planned a better date! Which is easy to say, when you're jumping off cliffs into tropical beaches instead of going to Costco on a Saturday afternoon, but whatever! It was perfect. 

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But now comes the hard stuff - hypothetical questions over a candelit meal that no one ever eats. Where would they live if they were together? What would their life be like? Would it be super perfect, or only pretty perfect?

The Fantasy Suite subject gets brought up, and Jef With One F TURNS IT DOWN. In a totally gentlemanly way - he explains that out of respect for Emily and his family, he doesn't feel comfortable spending the night together, especially since, in his mind, they had the rest of their lives to spend every night together (hopefully he doesn't regret it later. I respect Emily, too, but...there are times in every human's life when they ask themselves...why didn't I at least try to see that person naked? This might be one of those times for Jef). Emily is impressed by this, though she secretly wanted to be the one to turn him down. 

Not spending the night doesn't mean they can't make out in the suite, though, which they do. A lot. And then Jef actually says that right now is the time to "bridle these passions." 

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He said that. Without an ounce of irony.

He is TOTALLY a Mormon, you guys.

Arie Feels Like Emily Saves Good Dates For Him. Which Makes Us Doubt His Intelligence. 

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On their date, Arie and Emily swim with dolphins. And make out a lot, even though that is TOTALLY GROSS FOR THE REST OF US TO WATCH. Emily loves kissing Arie, though! So they do it a lot. A lot a lot. OMG, so much a lot. 

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The kissing is so good, according to (only) Emily, that she doesn't even trust herself to give Arie the chance to accept a Fantasy Suite invitation after their candlelit dinner which they once again don't eat and their conversation about a bunch of boring stuff that won't matter until they're actually back in the real world. She doesn't even bring it up! Which is unprecedented, you guys. No one in the history of the season has declined to invite someone to the Fantasy Suite. Or, has totally ignored that it's the entire point of the episode and doesn't even mention it to the other person. She must be really horned up for this guy, everybody.

Let's Talk Some More About Stuff That Has Already Happened

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It's time for Emily to sit down with Chris Harrison and rehash every single moment that we've already witnessed. Emily cries a bunch, and even though it's kind of annoying, we also know that it would be hard to be in that position - all three of these guys are great in their own ways.

And to make it even easier, each guy made a private video message for Emily that we all get to watch! There's nothing to really say about them, except for the fact that all three of them totally bare their souls and tell Emily how much they love her. The one that's the most perfect is Sean's - it's so genuine and sweet and perfect and natural. And golden, just like him.  

So the rose ceremony happens.

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And guess which Rose Bud she cuts loose.

I guess when you're really pushing for someone to tell you they love you, what you're really hoping for is for them to give you the go-ahead to break their heart.

Sean took it like a champ, even though my stone-cold, blackened heart was breaking for him, too. I really do think, out of all three guys, that Sean would have been the best fit for not only Emily, but for her daughter. Even his family - Emily and Ricki would have fit so seamlessly into that dynamic. I think Emily has really great chemistry with Jef, and I think she and Arie definitely have a connection on both a physical and mental level, but I think Sean would have been the most perfect for her, in terms of long-term partnership and family-building. 

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So he leaves, and everyone cries, and it's super sad, because Sean acts like a perfect gentleman even though he admits to feeling embarrassment over admitting everything he did when it all it got him was heartbreak and we all just kind of want to smack Emily across the head and yell at her a bunch about leading Sean into admitting he loved her when she was just going to break his heart, anyway, and we just want to go to Sean and hug him for a really long time and then we get distracted by her awesome sequined maxi skirt and grey tank top combo and wonder if she puts that stuff together herself or if there's a stylist who finds certain pieces for her and could you maybe get a body like that by doing Yogalates or...?

And then we see a preview for the Men Tell All episode! Which is made to look like it's going to be FILLED with controversy and drama, but we know by now from past ones that it's just going to be a bunch of passive-aggressive comments traded among the Rose Buds and a string of boring recaps. So, yawn.

BUT! That's not all, you guys...it looks like the last episode of the season is going to be the most dramatic television of the summer! It looks super emotional...and super open-ended. They're editing it to look like she's not going to choose either of the two guys left...or that she's going to choose a guy that she already sent home..? None of this is as exciting, though, as realizing during the blooper reel at the end of this week's episode that Arie makes a noise when he messes up that sounds exactly like my cat, Dolores Pookerton Carter.

Chew on THAT until next week. 

Originally posted July 11, 2012

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