Amber L. Carter
Writer. Professional Intuitive. Pop Culture Obsessive.
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Posts in Reality TV Recaps
The Hills S1 Recap: Intro + Meet the 1st Season Cast!

When The Hills first premiered on May 31, 2006, I was 27, and had just moved from Northern Wisconsin to Minneapolis, Minnesota, where I was renting a tiny bedroom in a South Minneapolis bungalow while I worked as a counselor for a maximum-security unit of male juvenile offenders. After losing the better part of my early twenties to lonely, dead-end stints in Iowa and Wisconsin, an intense, troubled romantic relationship that had ended in fatal tragedy, and the deep, dark maw of grief that had swallowed me whole afterward, moving to Minneapolis felt like a fresh beginning…a chance to finally start the kind of glittering, cosmopolitan life I had been putting on hold for so long.

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[Bachelor Monday Rewind] 'The Bachelor' S17 E10: Finale...I'm Dumping You, But I Also Love You

Well, my friends, our amazing journey has come to an end on The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, & You!

This will be a very special recap...I'll mostly just hit the high points, since last night I had to mix Advil with some wine so I could suffer through the pain of breaking my ass long enough to make it through the THREE HOURS of this season's Final Rose/After The Rose episode...so I don't really remember a lot of specific dialogue???

And was there a talking alligator that hopped up onto Sean's deck to give him advice during the deliberations? Was that real? And what about Barney coming back to sing the "I Love You" song after Sean gave Catherine the final rose? That was awesome! And then he gave them a ride to McDonalds on his back?! Talk about a twist on the ol' sunset/declarations of love that usually happen after the proposal!

So yeah, let's get to it, because I've only got two hours left of this last dose of pain meds, and then after that, this girl is hopping a sleepy train to codine-dream town.

More totally coherent points and intelligent choices after the jump! 

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[Bachelor Monday Rewind] S17 E9: Overnight Dates...This Wasn't Just Fun & Games, You Guys

It's Overnight Dates, and the gang is all in Thailand for it, because why shouldn't those lucky fucks get to go to one of the more exotic and interesting places in the world, right?

Also, this is the part in the season where half the episode is comprised of flashback filler - Sean looks out on to the horizon and takes us back on the Amazing Journey that he's been on with each of the three remaining women. It's boring and I hate it - obviously if you're this far into the show, you should have some recollection and understanding of who these women are and why Sean likes them. If you don't...well. I'm sorry about your short-term memory loss, and I hope that you have someone to take care of you during this confusing time.

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[Bachelor Monday Rewind] 'The Bachelor' S17 E8: Hometown Dates...Vindication Is Mine!

Welcome to this season's edition of Hometown Dates on The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, and You! Let me just state for the record that I tend to find Hometown Dates to be the most boring episode of the entire Bachelor season.

And this one was no exception!

Find out about more stuff I'm right about after the jump! 

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[Bachelor Monday Rewind] 'The Bachelor' S17 Episode 7: Welcome to St. Cry!

Welcome to Episode 7 of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, and You!

This week we find Sean and the girls on the tropical island of St. Cry Croix, where dates both boring and more boring happen among the bikinis and crying!

Ready? More after the jump!

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[Bachelor Monday Rewind] 'The Bachelor' S17 E5: Love Lift Us Up Where We Don't Belong

Welcome to the first of the most dramatic/exciting/epic two-episode event yet of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, and You!

This week we're not only taken to new heights in love and drama, but also to new heights in helicopters and insanity. 

Strap in your seat belt after the jump! 

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[Bachelor Monday Rewind] 'The Bachelor', S17 E4: A Slow Dance For No One

Welcome to the fourth episode of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, & You! 

Last night, mountains were climbed, the divide between Muslims and Christians got a little smaller thanks to quality reality programming, a Bachelor producer got fired for coming up with a horrible, horrible idea for a group date, and a redux of Pretty Woman turned out pretty much the exact opposite way of how the real story should turn out.

Ready to get beat down by love? Then make the jump once again into this amazing journey!

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[Bachelor Monday Rewind] 'The Bachelor' S17 E3: It’s All Confetti & Bikinis Until Everyone Starts Crying!

There’s confetti. There’s kissing. There’s bikinis. There’s crying. There are necks that look like they were broken, but weren’t. There are cardinal rules that look like they were broken, and DEFINITELY were. There’s champagne on hotel rooftops, there’s champagne by a pool, and there’s champagne in an amusement park. And then there’s more crying.

It’s AWESOME.

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[Bachelor Monday Rewind] 'The Bachelor' S17 E1: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, & You!

Well, kids, it's that time of year again...time to pop open the white wine, fire up the hot tub, and crank up those unrealistic expectations of what real love looks, feels, and acts like!

The Bachelor is back!

This season, on The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, & You, we'll be taking a journey into the heart of this Golden Texas Boy as we ask the question: Will Sean find true love? And do we care as much as we do about him taking off his shirt some more?

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[Bachelor Monday Rewind] 'The Bachelor' S17 Intro: The Original Virgin Bachelor

If this show was about meeting someone whom you could see yourself dating for the next four years because you’re not quite ready to settle down yet, then…then nothing. None of us would f*cking watch that show. And also I’m going to start suing every single Bachelor and Bachelorette who does that to us, because that’s actually fraud and I didn’t just give you three hours out of my Monday nights for months just for you to take it slow.

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'The Bachelor', Season 22, Episode 3: The Bachelor Version of Glow, Lauren Didn't Have Arie at Merlot, a Carnival Dog Show, & #Justice4Bibiana, Yo!

Welcome back, Bachelor Lovers! It's Week 3 in the Bachelor House, and this week did not disappoint: We're talking wrestling; tears; vineyards; tears; a dog show; more tears; and another cocktail party/rose ceremony and so many tears! 

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'The Bachelor', Season 22, Episode 2: Becca Goes To Prom, Krystal Looks Like Arie's Mom, & Bibana Explodes Like a Bomb!

Somewhere in a blue California sky, a hawk blinks as a man throws a leg over a motorcycle, slips on a pair of sunglasses, and gratuitously guns the engine. Who could this man be? Oh, it's ARIE, who not only drives race cars and regular cars but ALSO motorcycles! Is there anything this man can't do, besides form a healthy, intimate long-term relationship with another person without the help of network television? 

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'The Bachelor', Season 22, Episode 1, Part 2: Arie's Pulse Is Soarin', Champagne Be Pourin', and a Limo Full of Laurens!

nd now it's (finally) the moment we've all been waiting for, lovers - the part in the show when the limos arrive and we immediately make judgements about a woman's intelligence, depth, and character based on the stupid gags she's been pushed to do by the producers! 

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'The Bachelor', Season 22, Episode 1, Part 1: Arie Goes For Rides, Chris Harrison Lied, and Let's Meet Some Child Brides!

The last time we saw Arie was five years ago, when he made it all the way to the end on Emily Maynard's season, which just so happened to be the very first season I started recapping the show (after watching the show from the very first season, I finally couldn't stand it and just had to put my indignant rage to paper/blog)! Arie was a dorky race car driver who was so smitten kitten for Emily that it was honestly almost embarrassing.

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: 'The Bachelorette' Season 8, Episode 10: 'The Bachelorette' Recap: Curaco is the perfect place to buy some pottery and propose, everybody!

Well, love lovers, last night was the last episode of this season of The Bachelorette, and with it, our very last recap of the season. What am I going to write about now?! Where am I going to get my weekly dose of unrealistic romantic settings and dramatic interactions that are more dumb than dramatic?! Huh? Where do broken hearts go? Do they find their way home?

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Bachelor Monday Rewind: 'The Bachelorette', Season 8, Episode 9: Curacao Is The Perfect Place To Get Your Heart Broken, Everybody!

This week, Emily and her Rose Buds descend upon Curacao! 

Where THE FUCK is Curacao? Has anyone ever even heard of this place before? Everyone on The Bachelorette kept talking about it like, "Oh, yeah, of course, it's awesome to be here in Curacao" and everyone else in the entire world was like, "Where?! You're in Kalispell? Morocco? The mythical lands of Cure-A-Spell?" Turns out, Curacao (correctly pronounced "Cure-a-sow") is in the Caribbean and is a constitute of the Kingdom of the Netherlands.

And, surprise! They also paid The Bachelor Franchise to use this episode as a glorified tourist ad because obviously they also get that no one knows where the fuck this place is.

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