Last night on The Bachelorette: Emily Has a Daughter –

Just as a side note though…has anyone else noticed how the opening credit of Emily holding Ricki in her arms and standing in a field against the setting sun looks a little creepy? Like it’s the movie poster for “Fields of North Carolina” or some other drama where a mother and her child are all on their own during wartime or a depression, trying to survive against tragedy, harsh poverty, and savage social mores or something.

Anyway! Last night’s episode was an intense exploration of what it means to suffer through some uncomfortable conversations about being a father and what that means to everyone else in the whole goddamn world. It opened up with Emily’s mom bringing Emily breakfast in bed in what looks like one of the most amazing bed/bedrooms in the world. I paused the TV to see what kind of food the most perfect woman in the universe likes to break her fast with, and it looks like green grapes, wheat crackers, cheddar cheese, deli turkey slices, hummus, and a bread/muffin-like thing with coffee.

And that, my friends, is why I missed my calling as a crackerjack investigative reporter.

Anyway, Emily and her mom talk about Ricki a bunch while Ricki dances outside Emily’s door like a weirdo, and then we go to the guys. The next one-on-one date turns out to be with Corporate Sales Director Chris, who seems sweet but is also really fucking boring. We find out that they’re going to climb to the top of a building to their dinner, and it feels like that other season where the producers created risk-taking dates to create unnatural bonds, giving us the inevitable cheesy metaphors about holding on to each other through their fear and overcoming obstacles, blah blah blah.

Chris keeps talking about kissing Emily and then talks about not kissing Emily, which proved my inner prediction that Chris is the kind of guy who fumbles around during body-slappin’ time, constantly asking annoying questions like if this is okay or is it alright to do this or “how does this feel? Does your vagina like this? Do you mind if I just slip it in a little bit right now or would you rather just sit up or talk…?” Emily, however, lays her magistical charm on the situash by flattering him. She tells Chris that he’s so cute she would be too intimidated to go up to him and talk to him if they were in a regular bar scene, which none of us believes, but if she feels like spreading love to those less fortunate, who are we to judge? And then Chris admits to being 25 and Emily starts to question whether or not he’s mature enough for her and her daughter.

Then we see Tony calling his little boy at home and talking about how hard it is to be away from him. Yawn. Then it’s the group date card, which says, “Let’s Play…” and everyone scratches their head and beards and tries to philosophize what “Let’s Play…” really means, which makes us worry about the future of humanity as birthed through their gene pool.

Emily decides that Chris is so mature that he actually seems older than her, and then declares that she really likes him, much to the confusion of everyone watching. She gives him the rose, he’s stunned, and all we can see is the future desolation and despair that will wash over his face when she sends him packing in favor of the other guys who are also attractive but will not talk repeatedly about wanting to kiss Emily without actually doing so.

And then there’s another country music concert by Luke Bryan, and Emily and Chris dance awkwardly by themselves while the whole town watches, and then people run out into the streets and start dancing with them, and then I went to a place far, far way, where happiness and sunshine are real and horses dance in a flowery meadow and there is no one there to hurt you…no one to torture you with visions of awful things happening in city squares where emotions are manipulated and fake concerts by someone no one has ever heard of are painfully choreographed for Prime Time Television…

🎶Grooo-uuup Date, In the Park! Sean’s Six-Pack Abs Get The Mom Patrol Horny & High🎶

Group Date time! Emily shows some pretty great cleavage and her long legs in a “sporty” outfit while the boys meet up with her at a park. She holds a football a bunch, Real Housewife Ryan tries to give her tips on how to put the “spiff on” any guys who try to kiss her, and Emily lies about not making out with Corporate Chris the night before, which was awkward for everyone who knows that she did (she’s probably lying about it because she regrets it, though, which I totally understand. I would regret making out with Corporate Chris, too). Sean and Parent Expert Doug decide not to jump on her like a pack of wolves…did WOLF hear you say that, guys? Maybe you could be a little more sensitive about your negative connotations and stereotypes. Wolf is REAL LIVE PERSON with FEELINGS. Emily ditches the guys to meet up with her gal pals across the park, aka The Mom Patrol. She announces that they’re going to meet the guys and will have the chance to grill each one on how good of a husband and dad they would be.

One by one, the guys are put through the paces by The Mom Patrol. Tony plays the “I’m a dad, too” card again WHICH IS SO BORING BY NOW; Jef With One F gets another reminder from the Mom Patrol that he needs to show Emily that he’s into her; and Parent Expert Doug once again flexes his deep, deep insight into what it’s like to be a Parent Expert. Stevie The Dancing Elf shows his pop and lock dance routine, Real Housewife Ryan packs in some push-ups, and Tony renders us all sterile with his “back it up” moves…

And then Sean walks up.

Sean has definitely become the dark horse – we didn’t really see anything about him in the first episode, but by now it’s become crystal clear that Sean is definitely going to be #Top5. A good ol’ Texas boy who counts faith and family as his two most important things, he’s not only got a body that was sent down from the heavens, but he also has yet to say anything that makes me want to throw up, which is a blessing.

Did you get all those puns? There was about five of them dropped into that sentence! Congratulations to me, someone give me a copywriting job at Cosmo.

And then a bunch of kids run out and the guys are set in this really weird situation where they all have to instantly win the trust of kids they don’t know by playing with them and pretending to like them, which normally would be a situation for the neighborhood watch or a plot point for an after-school special, but since it’s on The Bachelor it’s considered sweet and fun to watch.

Real Housewife Ryan breaks apart from the pack and goes over to Emily, who’s hanging with the Mom Patrol, and says some stuff about how Emily can’t get fat if they get married. He tries to defend this by saying how he wants her to be at her best and if people get lazy then there’s a problem there, and that he would still love her but he might not love “on” her quite so much. Most of us have learned by now not to say those things out loud, and especially not in front of their friends. Not Real Housewife Ryan, though! Real Housewife Ryan doesn’t have to play by your rules, because he’s a Pro Sports Trainer and he never goes into a ball game expectin’ to lose. Sad news, Ryan – Emily didn’t think that was a good move, which means if you’re not careful, you’re gonna be out of the game. Ryan, of course, confides that he still thinks he’s getting the rose tonight. Best leave the thinking to others, Ryan, and stick to the picnic table push-ups!

At the phancy portion of the date, Parent Expert Doug fills Emily in on his – totally sad! – background story, which is awful because up until this point I’ve been okay not liking him but now I feel bad for judging him and am kind of like, “Well, maybe he’s not so bad…” so WELL PLAYED, DOUG, YOU AND YOUR SAD CHILDHOOD STORIES.

Meanwhile, back at The Man Ranch, we get to see yet another stupendously shallow side of Kalon The Kracken when he confesses to the camera that he really hopes Emily has taken enough interest in him…“to plan something really, really over the top for our date.” (Sidenote: Does everyone who goes on this show just NOT EVEN BOTHER to watch the other seasons? Why is it that every “contestant” fails to grasp the fact that the PRODUCERS plan the dates? Emily has obviously had a hand in some of the dates, but it’s obvious from the “let’s climb to the top of building in a thunderstorm!” that she’s not in complete control. This is fantasy television, everybody. Producers are hired to keep it that way. Get the net.) Oh Kalon. Somewhere inside that shallow, narcissistic, spoiled-little-prince head of yours dwells a sad, angry little boy who did not get breastfed enough as a baby and is now the epitome of a douche. Which is okay, because if you weren’t like that, then I wouldn’t have known the kind of joy I felt when the one-on-one date card was read and it was Arie going on the date instead of you.

And then we’re back to the group date, where Tony brings everyone down with his “I miss my son” spiral. And I get it – it’s like being homesick at sleepaway camp, where as soon as you let yourself go to that place, it’s almost impossible to get out of it. So Tony does the one thing that could make it worse – he calls his son. We are then treated to one of the more awkward phone conversations I’ve ever been witness to. Tony does the whole I’m talking in a higher-pitched voice because kids are idiots and this is how you talk to them thing as he asks his kid a bunch of questions like “Do you know I miss you so much? Do you know I love you?” And then he does that gross “forcing affection” thing where he asks his kid if he misses him, too, so then the kid is forced to say yes, which is always good because what bad could possibly come of purposefully manipulating a kid’s emotions to fit your own, right? Finally Emily decides to put everyone out their misery by telling Tony that she knows how painful it is to be away from your child, and that she would never be able to forgive herself if she kept him away from his son when she didn’t know for sure if it would work out. Seriously! This woman! Like, can you guys even believe how perfect and honorable she is? And now we don’t have to hear Tony talk about how much he wants Emily to know who he is or how much he misses his kid or other stuff that just brings the party down all the time! Hooo-ray for Emily!! Oh yeah, and she gives the date rose to Sean.

Arie Puts The “Wood” in Dollywood

And then it’s time for Emily’s date with Arie! Emily’s outfit – striped jersey shirt with cutoff jean shorts and knee-high cowboy boots – is one for the books. You know what else is one for the books? The fight I got into with my boyfriend about Emily’s boobs. A lil’ fact about me: I HATE “do you think they’re real?” debates or commentary. The only time I care about someone’s plastic surgery is if it looks incredible and I think I might want the same one day, and even then, the only discussion I wanna have around it is what doctor did they use and exactly what procedure should I ask for. Otherwise whether or not a woman has enhanced her breasts is literally none of my business, and I also don’t think it’s any of yours, either! It’s also truly incredible how many people think that big boobs on a small body frame HAS to be an indication of plastic surgery. Please go to, like, any large mall in the Midwest and observe all of the varying body types that exist in nature, and then call me back.

Appropriately, Emily and Arie end up going to Dollywood, where they play games and hop on a train and ride a roller coaster and then surprise! Dolly Parton shows up.

Boy, they are really putting out all the stops for this season, aren’t they?! Emily’s surprise is so genuine and sweet, and Emily and Arie slow-dancing to Dolly’s songs is actually not awkward (Arie does the whole kiss-on-the-top-of-the-head thing, which is somehow super adorable even when done on national TV) which is a first when it comes to the ever-present act of slow-dancing on The Bachelor franchise.

And then they have dinner, where Emily admits that she can’t just have fun and enjoy things, but always has to make stuff serious again by talking about kids some more. Will the kid talk ever end. I mean, I understand that finding a partner is the most important thing to Emily, but god. Total snooze fest, right? So we get that stuff out of the way and then Emily tricks Arie by making him think he wasn’t getting the rose and then she gives it to him and we all breathe a sigh of relief because those two are adorable. And then the scene ends with a “this could be a movie, everybody!” scene where Emily and Arie kiss in slow-motion in front of a lit-up merry-go-round which elicts groans from everyone in the entire world.

President Obama will most likely use it as an example when he addresses this new rampant, blatant kind of terrorism in his next State of The Union address, though, so don’t worry about it if you missed it!

Egos, Eggs, & the Expulsion of a Gypsy King

The fire burns at The Man Ranch as they all get ready for the cocktail party and rose ceremony to start. Real Housewife Ryan really hits the nail on the head when he explains that Emily’s here for a purpose, that she’s wanting more than just a boyfriend, but a husband and a father, too. Try not to drop too many of those brain busters, Ryan…the world may not be able to handle your kind of subtle intelligence. Emily walks in and asks Kalon The Kraken to come with her for a little one-on-one time. Kraken once again makes the world grit its teeth in hatred and revulsion when he takes her arm in his and says, “Gentlemen? You’ll hold down the fort, won’t you?” Let me break something to you, Kraken: You are not living in an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel. And neither is anyone else. So stop being a totally ridiculous asshole with your boat shoes and fake glasses and acting like it’s bragging when you admit that you’ve never really had to share much in your life.

But THEN! THE BEST PART EVER! Kracken is trying to tell Emily all about himself – because it’s super awesome when you focus solely on yourself and your story instead of getting to know the person you wanna date, right? – and she FINALLY manages to get a word in edgewise to ask him about kids. She expounds a little bit on her points, and then HE interrupts HER and says, “I love it when you talk but I wish you’d let me finish.” It’s one of those lines that you KNOW he’s used a ton of times before and has probably even bragged about its passive-aggressive perfection to his stupid boring friends. The entire nation of America wants to punch this guy in the face, but Emily simply puts on a polite smile, nods, and says, “okay.” Which is scary in its own way – it’s like your teacher talking really quietly about how he’s going to fail everyone in the class if they don’t stop talking over the lecture, or when your mom puts her hand on your arm and smiles as she says, “We’ll talk about this when we get home” when you’re misbehaving in public.

It means that you are about to die.

So then Kracken laughs at his little remark like a total asshole choad and goes on to explain further that his mom taught him that he can’t try to control everything, even though he’s used to being in control and having everything going his way (a.k.a., he’s been a spoiled asshole his entire life). Emily says, “I had no idea that you were like that” in a way that Kraken takes as serious but we all knew was sarcastic. Then Kraken lays down some more parenting wisdom with “But when you become a parent, you gotta let go of that overnight. You can’t control anything.” Like he’s not talking to a parent right now who could maybe tell him what’s really up because she’s actually a parent. Emily admits during her confessional that she wonders if there’s something else about him that she’s just not seeing yet. To which America replies, “Um, YEAH.” And then she drops, “I do like tall, skinny, and funny, but I don’t tall, skinny, and condescending.” OH, SNAP!

Then Travis The Ostrich Egg Guy lets Emily smash the egg (nicknamed Shelly. Or Shelby. Or Shaggy. I don’t care), which is entertaining only because the eagle-eyed viewer was able to spot Charlie watching through the window and laughing his ass off.

And THEN! It’s Emily and Alessandro. In the past few eps, I’ve been kind of rooting for Alessandro because he seemed like a nice guy. A nice guy with really awful hair, but a nice guy. Emily drops the #1 Question: How do you think you would be as a dad? (because she has a child, everybody! Did you know? Emily has a daughter. I hope you caught that from watching this and other past episodes). Alessandro begins on shaky ground by saying how he doesn’t have a lot of experience with kids, and we’re like, okay…not really winning the pageant here, but then he says, “But you’re gonna teach me, right?” and a sigh of relief is felt around the world as he gets back on solid footing.

And then he starts talking about that role being a compromise for him, and all the glass in all the world shatters and breaks, a woman shrieks long and high, the earth begins to shake, and the ground splits open as hot lava comes pouring out of it, melting and killing everyone.

“The compromise would be me as a dad, as a chief in a family,” Alessandro tries to explain in his slight Spanish accent. Emily wonders why he sees it as a compromise and not an honor, and Alessandro tries to explain that marriage is a compromise. Once again, Emily tries to save him by asking if he doesn’t see it as a bonus, and Alessandro disagrees with her again, and explains that he would have to tell his company “Okay, I can’t travel, I can’t move locations, because I have a compromise – I have a wife, I have a family.” And AGAIN, Emily tries to save him by wondering if there’s a language barrier, to which Alessandro firmly replies that there is not, that he is expressing himself right now. And then we see Sean sharing that Alessandro had admitted to Emily’s friends that he cheated on an ex and had a one-night stand. Then we see Emily walking Alessandro out of the house and to a black SUV, and all the women in Minneapolis and St. Paul gathered to discuss ways to raise awareness on how to avoid the Gypsy King (his label for himself) that is Alessandro.

Emily is upset, though, with what Alessandro said, so she slips away to a quiet corner, where Arie brings her a margarita and then says something super cute before he hugs her and kisses her on the top of her forehead and then kisses her for real and it is ADORABLE. And the best is that Real Housewife Ryan sees them making out and gets all botoxed out about it since he hasn’t kissed Emily at all yet. Guess that’s one ball game you DIDN’T win! HAHAHAHA!

Emily has time with Sean and Sean dazzles her by praising her dad and announcing that if they were to get married, that he would consider Ricki to be his daughter. And all the guys punched a hand through the wall because that Sean guy, right?! He’s so good!Where did he come from?!

Rose Ceremonaaay! Everybody’s sweating, the camera keeps trying to get a better view of Emily’s side boob through the keyhole in her dress, and it slowly comes down to Stevie The Dancing Elf and some guy that I don’t even know the name of because we’ve barely even seen him this entire time (Nate? Kyle? It’s not important, I guess, according to the producers). Stevie The Dancing Elf got the shaft, probably because Emily knew she couldn’t bring home a dancing elf to her daughter. He says his goodbyes, and I kind of feel sorry for him because he can be kind of endearing when he’s talking instead of dancing. But it’s back to the Jersey Shore with him, to get laid a thousand times by a thousand women who watch the show and love a good pop, lock, and drop.

Real Housewife Ryan once again whines about Arie kissing Emily, calling him “more of a dainty guy”, and declaring that this is definitely a cat and mouse game and that he’s used to winning. Ryan, take your narcissism and go be on Falcon Crest or something. I’m tired of looking at your stupid perfect face.

Next week, the whole love crew books it to Bermuda, where we should expect a lot of beach walking and talking by the fire and confrontations happening against unfortunate-looking patio furniture! Until next time, Bach Buds…this is Amber Carter, signing off with these words of wisdom… If the good times ever get too good, just ask a guy if he feels ready to be a dad…

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It’s basically like Nicholas Sparks-type lost romance mixed with ‘80s movie makeover montages sprinkled with elements of My Best Friend’s Wedding capped off with 90210 Kelly Taylor “I choose me” vibes ✨