Last night on The Bachelorette: The crew “scooted” to Bermuda, Parent Expert Doug made me puke again, Head Trauma Charlie cried a bunch, some guy we’ve never seen before got dumped during dinner in a cave, and I could totally win a million dollars from my Bachelor-watching predictions (related: Real Housewife Ryan is a total douchecanoe)!

Bermuda has Emily written all over it

So the crew (including Emily’s daughter, Ricki…did you know that she has a daughter? Because she does!) head to Bermuda for the start of their “world travels.” Because that’s a thing now – not only do you get to go on super elaborate dates, but now you also get to travel the world! And we’re still getting pissed about people who are “not here for the right reasons”?! Dudes, we just should start assuming that no one is here for the right reasons. If we really wanna find out who’s willing to stick it out for the Bachelor/ette of choice, we should send them all on dates to Walmart and Costco and town-wide garage sales and then see if the sparks happen there. Because I don’t know about you guys, but I could pretend to like almost anyone for a couple of fantasy dates and some free trips around the world.

Which makes me sound like I might be in possession of a poor moral code. Oh well! You’re spared this time, Bachelorfranchise. But if my current relationship stops working out…I’m getting my hair highlighted, my nails done, my boobs lifted, and I’ll be coming for you. 

So, anyway, the guys arrive in Bermuda and “scoot” up to their digs…on scooters (yeah, I know. A whole crew of totally buff and handsome guys made to look like total assholes by riding on matching scooters all at the same time. I get a feeling that the show editors like NO ONE when it comes to the men). The one-on-one date card arrives. Ari opens it and makes a joke that it’s for him again, which makes Parent Expert Doug SO PISSED! Like seriously, the camera panned to the group and Doug’s expression was all like, “You know, I’m a father, and when you have a child, you don’t joke around like that.”

But the card ended up being for him, which was nice, because I feel like we just don’t get enough chances to see him pretend to be humble about stuff. And then freak out about the fact that if the date doesn’t go well, he has to go home! The guys start giving him a bunch of crap about how nervous he is and how much he’s building it all up, and Doug starts to lose it. Arie keeps pushing, and Doug stands up and calls him bro and then! Emily walks in, everyone pretends that everything’s normal and Doug puts on this “Everything is great” act which is kind of scary in and of itself…it kind of reminds you of that abusive step-dad who just got done telling you he would kill you in your sleep if you didn’t shape up, but then ruffles your hair and calls you ‘sport’ when your mom suddenly gets home from work. We should write a Lifetime movie about Parent Expert Doug. We could call it “Would You Like To Meet My Son?”, and it’s about a single dad who uses his young son to lure women in and then bludgeons them to death with a whiffle bat.

So anyway, Doug and Emily take off for their date, and Arie makes a really bad Hulk joke and we decide that maybe we don’t like Arie all that much anymore.

Doug Just Likes Island Towns a LOT

So, according to Emily, this is what (boring) married couples would do while in Bermuda – go shopping at boring glass shops and perfumeries. Forget the sparkling water and sandy beaches, the fantastic tropical bars, and all that other “adventure” stuff like scuba-diving or sailing! Let’s go shopping at totally boring shops that we could easily find at home!

Later on during the date, Doug lies about how, when Emily walked into the boy’s lodging earlier, he had just finished “totally schooling the boys” (being honest on a date is apparently not a requisite to being a Parent Expert). Emily pulls out a postcard and suggests that they write one to Doug’s son together. This is totally sweet and is something only a mom would think of, but there’s also a part of me that wants to shake and holler at Emily for doing this, because she obviously can’t see that Doug loves to use his parental role as a tactic to bond with her. Austin is probably a spoiled little brat who was put up to writing that letter to Emily about how great his dad is, if he even wrote that letter at all (because really…who out there believes that a 7-year-old just sat down all on his own to write some strange woman a letter about how great his dad is? Oh wait, that happened in Sleepless In Seattle. Nevermind, that’s totally realistic, then.)

Dinner time! Doug talks about his son some more. Emily confides to the camera that she feels like there’s something he’s hiding from her. So at dinner she asks him what his last ex-girlfriend would say about him. He replies that she would probably say that he spends too much time with his son. And this is where I get super annoyed with Emily, because she spins that to mean that “he’s too good of a dad”, instead of realizing that what it’s really referring to is that he uses his son as a way to be selfish. The “It’s all about me and my son” thing that single dads sometimes do doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re great dads…it can often mean that they’ve just found a really great excuse for wriggling out of commitments and compromises when it comes to people other than his child.

But Doug is just a guy. He wants you to know that he’s not a genius, he’s not a dummie, he’s not wealthy, he’s not poor…he’s just a guy, you know? He’s just a guy, you guys. Just a guy. And when you have to say that over and over about yourself, it means that you really don’t think you’re “just a guy.” That’s like celebrities declaring that they’re just regular, everyday people. They really don’t believe it, but it sounds good, so they’re hoping you will.

Then the “when should I kiss Emily?” dinner dilemma comes up, and Dough begins to talk in the third person – “If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she’ll let Doug know she wants a kiss.”

And it was at that moment…that I knew...that I truly hated him.

Tears On The Loser Bus Are The Bitterest Tears of All

The group date involves a-sailing. Which, by the way, Kalon The Kraken is certainly excited for…to hit the high seas (you know, the bay of Bermuda), cruise on a sailboat, get some good sun…it’s his element. #facepunch

So they all learn how to operate a sailboat, and then WHOA, PLOT TWIST! The guys are going to split up into two teams and compete for more time with Emily later that night. This has never happened before, you guys. Except, oh yeah, that one time on The Bachelor: Ben Doesn’t Have a Dad, when the girls competed in a softball game and the losers all cried on the bus ride home.

Which is actually kind of hilarious, because I reminded my boyfriend of that when we got to this part, and then made some crack about Head Trauma Charlie losing and crying on the way home…and then it actually happened.

The team with Real Housewife Ryan, Arie, Jef With One F, and Kalon The Kracken won. The team with Sean, Head Trauma Charlie, Lumpy Space Princess Chris (I call him that now because he literally has the same voice as LSP from Adventure Time), and Ostrich Egg Travis lost and were booted back to the house. And Head Trauma Charlie actually bawls – face buried in his arms – on the way home, because he’s “so embarrassed” that they didn’t do better. And I wanna make fun of the guy, but…c’mon. He’s so tenderhearted…and he’s had a head trauma. Poor Charlie. Poor, poor, Crying Charlie…

Then it’s romantic time on the beach with winners! Real Housewife Ryan toasts to “a fun day of racing and a beautiful, possible trophy wife.” HAHAHA! You’re an asshole, Ryan. Arie and Emily go down to the beach, and they’re super cute at first, and then…Arie kisses her. And it’s gross. The guy starts kissing like this. He does weird things with his mouth and it’s uncomfortable for everyone watching. What are you doing with your mouth, Arie?! And why? Why are you kissing like that? Stop it. Stop it right NOW!

Jef With One F takes Emily down to a campfire on the beach and tells Emily that he likes her. It felt a lot like middle school, where the guy you have a crush on finally tells you that he likes hanging out with you. It’s fun. And he likes you, and when he hangs out with you, he wants to hang out with you even more. And the way they were sitting – with Emily sitting higher up than him, him staring up at her with that baby face – it kind of felt like he was saying this to his best friend’s older sister. Kinda weird. Kinda gross. There was some serious “maybe we should wrestle with our tongues” eye contact, but instead he suggests that they head back. BECAUSE HE TOTALLY KNOWS WHAT HE’S DOING. Nice work, Jef With One F. Emily is now dying for you to kiss her. Emily, one of the most beautiful women in all of the Americas, is now aching for your baby-faced tongue to glide softly over hers in a moment of passion. And preferably while Boyz II Men plays in the background somewhere. Although that’s my middle school fantasy, not hers…

Real Housewife Ryan would like to state, for the record, that he is not here to impress Emily, but to make an impressionon her. Emily calls him out on some of the things that have come out of his mouth, and tests him a little bit more on the whole weight thing. She appears to really want to know if he will still love her if she just happens to put on a little bit of weight…like, say, when she has a bunch of babies. But the thing is, we all know the answer to this question, including Emily…she’s just the only one who doesn’t want to believe it. Ryan believes that God designed Emily to be a beautiful woman. “So be a beautiful woman,” he says. Which is the perfect opportunity for him to launch into a sermon about how she has been given a great responsibility, and she should be using this opportunity to really impact tons of people and young ladies in terms of how she responds to men and how she treats them and herself. For example, when it comes to her kissing other men that are not Ryan. Emily confides to the camera that she feels like she’s being held to a double standard: if it were a Bachelor, no one would have an issue with him kissing everyone. She also feels like Ryan is judging her. Maybe because he is?

The date ends with Emily giving Jef With One F another group date rose. Jef confides to the camera that he thinks he’s falling for her…only the way he says it – looking down at his lap and then looking up again – makes me think he’s lying.

Ryan says some more douchebag things about Jef getting the rose instead of him, fireworks go off, The End.

2-on-1 Date, Which Is Not As Much Fun As It Sounds

Then it’s time for Emily’s date with “Wolf” and…a PA? Chris Harrison’s assistant? Some tourist who wandered onto the set? Who is that guy? Have we seen him before? More research turns up that his name is Nate, and that he’s been here the whole time! Who knew?!

The date begins. Nate wants the rose because he likes Emily. Wolf wants the rose because all of his friends are getting married, so he figured that he probably should, too. Nate, Emily, and Wolf then get on a big boat and head out to a cliff to do some cliff diving into the water.

And THEN! The boys back in the house get into a heated ageism debate. LSP Chris gets all pissy because Parent Expert Doug and Real Housewife Ryan keep saying that older means better, 30 is Flirty, 35 Means You’re Alive, and fuck everyone who’s still in their twenties because they don’t know jack shit, and they should all just go home already! Doug is like, “Step off, KID” and Chris is like, “You’re RIDICULOUS” and everyone else is like, “Why are we sitting in a living room when we’re on a free trip to BERMUDA?” And then we go back to the date, Emily takes off her bikini cover-up, the entire nation of America ejaculates into their pants, and we go to commercial.

Back to the date: Wolf, Emily, and Nate have an extremely awkward dinner date in a cave filled with stalactites, Emily dumps Nate, and that’s that.

A Very Sophisticated Pantsuit Does The Talking Tonight, Boys!

Two things: For the cocktail party, Emily wears a sophisticated white pantsuit, some really ugly plastic white necklace, and a ponytail hair piece. The entire ensemble makes me think that she’s going to break out into a rendition of Madonna’s “Express Yourself” video like they did on Glee.

The cocktail party also happens to take place in probably the ugliest house I’ve ever seen. Nobody else notices, though, because everyone’s minds are exploding from MY AMAZING BACHELOR PREDICTION SKILLZ! Real Housewife Ryan drops a bomb to Musical Michael that he thinks Emily has a lot of really great potential, but he feels he’s called for something…bigger.

Something bigger as in…being the next Bachelor.

The fuckin’ douche spills it! ALL of it! He’s just doing his “due diligence” at this point, because “even though you’re at the center of attention, it doesn’t necessarily make you worthy.”? (God, the platitudes from this guy! I’m going to write an entire book entitled, “Real Housewife Ryan Lays It Down: If You Ain’t Cheatin’, You Ain’t Tryin’!”). His plan is to “go back home, get involved with the media back there, and say, ‘Let’s do Bachelor Ryan.'” Quote: “Isn’t it great whenever you’re able to use a position like this?” Because if Ryan were the Bachelor, everybody, he would be able to open his heart up, and “it would be neat for everyone to see.”

BOOM! I TOTALLY FUCKING CALLED IT! WHEN EMILY WENT ON JIMMY KIMMEL AND HE ASKED HER IF THERE WAS SOMEONE WHO CAME ON THE SHOW JUST TO GET KICKED OFF AND BECOME A CANDIDATE FOR THE NEXT BACHELOR, SHE SAID OH YEAH, DEFINITELY, AND I TOLD EVERYONE IT WAS RYAN.

I win at the game of life.

And The Bachelorette.

Lumpy Space Princess Chris whines to Emily about the agism that Doug is putting on him. And he is not going to stand for that, Emily and everybody! He keeps talking about how it’s not how old you are, it’s about the experiences you have…wait, no, it’s not about the experiences you have, it’s what you do with those experiences. I don’t remember, because he switches it all the time. And then he loses it and confronts Parent Expert Doug. Because Doug and Ryan are threatened by him, obviously…that’s the only reason why you confront people, right? If they’re threatened by you. Doug, to his credit, actually handles himself like an adult, unlike Chris, who totally drowns in bullshit bravado, saying stuff like, “I”m a grown-ass man” and “I just wanna let you know that I’m never gonna back down from you.” The only credible thing that Chris does say is that he doesn’t believe Doug half the time – that he’s “over-the-top humble”, and Chris doesn’t believe it – and he thinks Doug’s hiding something.

There seems to be a recurring theme here.

Let’s Rap It Out With Chris Harrison and Roses

Emily sits down to talk it all out with Chris Harrison. This is boring, except for the part where Emily states that she knows a few guys thinks they’re pulling one over on her, but they ain’t. Then she mentions Ryan specifically, and his manipulation. And then Chris puts his hands over his face and giggles like a gleeful 5-year-old, because he has a secret and he can’t tell her because then it won’t be a secret anymore!

The Rose Ceremony begins, Emily hands out the roses, and Crying Charlie and Musical Michael go home. Which saddens me. Crying Charlie honestly didn’t have a chance, but the guy was delightful when amongst the boys. Musical Michael was one of my top picks, but he totally let himself get pushed to the background. And he blew it by walking away without telling Emily what Ryan told him about gunning to be the next Bachelor, so that makes him an asshole by association.

The dumped guys leave, and everyone else finds out they’re going to London next. Champagne glasses are raised, Emily smiles, and somewhere, in a transportation vehicle made for multiple people, Crying Charlie weeps softly…for himself, for the sorrow of lost victory, and for all those who have had to cry in buses and SUV’s before him.

Cry, Charlie, cry…bye-bye, Charlie, bye…cry, Charlie, cry…goodbye, Charlie…goodbye…

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It’s basically like Nicholas Sparks-type lost romance mixed with ‘80s movie makeover montages sprinkled with elements of My Best Friend’s Wedding capped off with 90210 Kelly Taylor “I choose me” vibes ✨