This week on The Bachelorette: Emily Has a Daughter, we’re all going to LON-DON TOWWWN! Cheers, mate! Hope you have a jolly good time, then! Eat some fish and chips and go put your trainers in the boot of your lorrie, yeah!

Quote of the night, from Real Housewife Ryan, as he revels over how romantic London is: “What an unbelievable backdrop for her to continue a relationship with me.”

This guy. I mean…there are just no words.

London’s callin’, and you know what? I’ma gonna answer it.

The first one-on-one date is with Dark Horse Sean. The theme of the date is “Love takes no prisoners”, which, for anyone who knows anything about London, obviously has something to do with the Tower of London! Carmen Sandiego, I’m going to WIN YOU YET!

But first, a deeply insightful conversation is had by Jef With One F, Arie, and Kalon The Kracken. They’re talking about the state of the world as it stands today…what’s really going on in the Middle East, you guys? How about that War on Women? Where do you stand when it comes to our debt ceiling? Oh yeah, and how about them group dates vs. the one-on-ones?

The hardest thing of all of this, according to Kracken, is not that this is a fantasy scenario that tries to make everyone believe that it’s for keeps, or that Emily might be developing real feelings for other guys, or that, when he doesn’t get a one-on-one card, it means he’s missing out on time to actually get to know Emily more…no. It’s that he “does not have control over the scenario.” That “things are not working out” as he planned. And when it comes to group dates, he decides to drop a bomb of knowledge on Jef and Arie with this insightful message:

“You’ve gotta realize that, if you end up with her, pretty much every date is going to be a group date…it’s going to you, Emily, and Ricki.”

Which, to be fair…is true. He’s not wrong, per say, but it’s the way that he says it – a.k.a., the way he says everything – that makes everyone want to punch him in the face. Kalon doesn’t care about nurturing a relationship with Emily, or fitting into her life, or even getting to know her better. He cares about luxury goods, and fantasy dates, and being catered to while on private helicopters. OH MY GOD I JUST HATE THIS GUY. With his smug, oily face and his pretentious smirks and his weird body that does not say “man hot” at all but “I’m a spoiled little boy trapped in a tall skinny body, please take me to a fancy restaurant so I can show off my exquisite table manners” priss. He’s the kind of guy that you want to drop into the middle of a volcano. And I don’t know why, exactly, but for some reason the visual of watching him being pushed out of a (private, chartered) helicopter to fall, screaming and flailing, into the opening of a live volcano is just really comforting and soothing to me.

So anyway, back to the date. Emily and Sean get deep…about good girls and good guys. Good guys that are hard to come by. And not only that, folks, but good guys that you actually…like, you know? For instance, guys who look like Sean are usually boring. But he’s not boring, you know? He’s the opposite of boring. Which is then proven when Emily and Sean go to “Speaker’s Corner” or, as it shall be named henceforth, “Lover’s Corner.” Sean gets up on the soapbox and speaks about love. A crowd gathers, Emily gets wet, and the world tries to unbury themselves from the mountain of cheeseballs that has just erupted from their televisions.

Then it’s dinna time! In the Tower of London, of course, because I told you it would be. They talk about a bunch of boring stuff, I start zoning out to old episodes of “Dukes of Hazard”, and then I’m jolted back to reality when the scene goes back to the boys and the next group date card arrives. It says, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” The boys are in a quandry…what the hell does that mean? A rose by another other name…hmmm…would smell….what?…as sweet? Why? How? Is this some scientific journey they must embark on? Finally Arie pipes up that he thinks it’s Shakespeare. The other guys are doubtful, though…I mean, c’mon. Shakespeare? In London? That doesn’t make any sense at all! But as one guy – I think it was Wolf – points out, of course they didn’t know it…they’re a bunch of macho dumbasses!

And pan to Kalon, sitting in his chair, thinking pretentious thoughts to himself. He hopes – and assumes – that the one-on-one date in London will be his. Because he is not really enjoying these group dates. But surprise! He’s on the group date. Cue, from stage left, sullen Kalon! A rose by any other name? He doth think not. He doth think this rose smelleth like shiteth.

Back to the tower where Emily brings up kids again. Sean gets the date rose because he’s okay with banging it enough to make two, three, even six kids with Emily. And granted, Sean is possibly the most perfect choice for Emily. He’s a handsome down-home Southern boy with family values and a six pack of abs…and he looks like an AAAAAH-maaazing kisser.

What Light Through Yon Window Breaks? It’s Emily, Y’all!

The group date begins and these idiots are STILL puzzling over the “rose by any other name” quandary. Emily is losing her voice, but announces that they’re at Stratford-upon-Avon and that the boys will be performing scenes from Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet. And surprise! Most of the boys hate acting. Except for Kalon! Like any douchebag would, he, for one, is taking this extremely seriously.

We get to see Travis actually be funny, which is cute, and Ryan and Kalon preen over being Romeos in the play. Kalon’s performance today is extremely important. Not as important as being charming or polite, though, because when Emily comes over to see how they’re doing, Kalon tells her to “run along”, that they need to get back to rehearsals. Emily gives him the BEST DEATH LOOK ever, and he just smiles, like he’s being adorable. And cue volcano fantasy, his shrieks for help, his face being engulfed by hot lava….

And then…SUPER TWIST THAT WE ALL SAW COMING! The boys are performing live in front of an audience.

As it so happens, Kalon sucks, Arie is hilarious, Ryan is a creeper. The End.

Emily Wants To Go West Virginia Hood-Rat Backwoods on Your Ass!

It’s pub time! During one-on-ones, Emily gets kissed by a lamrey again –

Ryan gives her a necklace and tells her that he’s taking a real approach to this, so somebody give him a trophy already, and poor, poor Kalon is left to sit alone with the group and pout, because the only thing Kalon has to look forward to is talking to an exhausted, sick mother with a child waiting on her.

Yeah. He said that.

So then it comes out that Kalon has referred to Ricki as part of Emily’s baggage. Arie is pissed off, but doesn’t really do anything about it. Parent Expert Doug takes it personally – what if someone called his son Austin baggage? It might come to serious words and he might throw him on the floor! – Ryan makes a hilarious statement about knowing that he himself is here for the right reasons so he’s not worried about other folks (HAHAHAHAHA!), and they all get up in arms and decide to confront Kalon. Kalon announces that he is not going to apologize for it or retract it, though he does admit that “baggage” has a negative connotation…what he means is responsiblity. Except that he didn’t say that. He said “baggage.”

Doug, sensing a beautiful opportunity, goes and tells Emily. Emily is LIVID. She wants to tear off Kalon’s limbs and beat him with them! She wants to go West Virgina hood-rat backwoods on his ass! She wants to scream at him to get some Biore strips and be gone from her sight! 

Oh wait. That last one was from me. Sorry.

So then the best thing ever happens – Parent Expert Doug takes control of the situation and asks everyone in the room to just sit down for a moment, and then breaks down the situation. Like a fucking camp counselor, this one. Emily confronts Kalon, Kalon tries to hold his ground, and Emily starts to lose it. “I love to hear you talk, but not until I’m done…I got that line from you.” OH MY GOD KALON YOU JUST GOT SERVED (even though, between you and me, she misquoted him - it was “I love to hear you talk but I wish you’d let me finish”)! She asks him if there was anything he could say to prove that he didn’t say that. He says no, and Emily tells him to get the fuck out. 

IT WAS THE BEST MOMENT EVER.

Kalon, in his “I just got drop-kicked out of here” confessional, states that he thinks Emily is looking for a partner. Like it’s the hardest, most unrealistic expectation ever. Bye-bye, Kalon! It restores some of my faith in this show, knowing that Kalon didn’t get even remotely an over-the-top date out of Emily.

Emily, for her part, is feeling beaten up and confused. How could she have such bad judgement in guys? How come none of the guys spoke up sooner? Why didn’t anyone back her up when she was telling Kalon to get the fuck out? So she decides not to give out a rose on the group date, since most of her trust in the guys has been shaken. BOOM, Parent Expert Doug. Guess you don’t get the camp counselor award this time.

When Jef With One F Smiles, The Entire World Sighs

Emily and Jef With One F embark on their one-on-one date. Also, every time I look at or think of Jef, all I see is this: 

Anyway, it's their one-on-one date with each other and a Miss Manners named Jean, who instructs them on how to hold a proper tea. Jean does not know when to shut up, which leads to some hilarious moments with Emily and Jef. All they want is some alone time with each other, but who can start the banging process with this etiquette broad hanging around and yapping about jam? The best part was when Emily, talking to the camera and looking desperate, confesses, “I thought this would be fun, but now I just want to get the hell out of here.”

So they escape, head to a pub, and rap about what went down last night. Jef is like, “I would have had your back, yo” and Emily’s like, “I need somebody to be a gentleman in the streets but a stud in the sheets.” So then Emily shows up in pleather pants, a perm, and a leather jacket, and Jef throws off his Letterman jacket and does some hot dance moves, and then they jump onto The London Eye and decide that they go to together like rama-lama-lama-kading-dee-dong, and that they’ll always be as one, waaaoooo YEAH! Especially when they go to first base, which they totally do. FINALLY.

Another Boring Rose Ceremony

Emily decides to use her one-on-one time during the cocktail party to put the guys on the hot seat about whether or not they have her back. Most of the guys slip by that limo stick, but Arie sweats it and comes off as a pageant princess answering a question from Perez Hilton.

But Real Housewife Ryan doesn’t have time for all that serious stuff! He just wants to have a good time and make Emily laugh…oh yeah, and show off some more, too! Also, WHAT THE FUCK was that guy WEARING?!

Was it a scarf? A weird collar? And most importantly…WHY?!

Ryan does something super gross where he leads Emily to a room with a balcony and replays a scene from Romeo & Juliet as a ploy to kiss her. Despite Emily’s best judgement, she lets herself go along with it. After a whole episode of Emily talking about having bad judgement when it comes to guys, this is like…c’mon, Emily. Wise up.

Then it’s time for sweet talkin’ Sean. I like Sean, but sometimes he totally reminds me of those pastors who are the heads of huge community churches that have rock bands perform worship music and write best-selling devotional books about tough biblical messages. Just say something real for once, Sean.

Emily hands out the roses, and makes Arie sweat it out to the end. Poor Alejandro gets the boot. The guy never even stood a chance! This is what I hate about this season – we didn’t even get to see Alejandro say more than three sentences, and now he’s gone. But cry not, mushroom farmer from San Franciso land…thy face will be thy salvation, and thee is surest to get laid by a multitude of comely wenches upon thy return to thy homeland. Farewell, thy handsome farmer!

So that’s it. Next week they go to Croatia, and it looks like there’s a lot of crying there.

Can’t WAIT!

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It’s basically like Nicholas Sparks-type lost romance mixed with ‘80s movie makeover montages sprinkled with elements of My Best Friend’s Wedding capped off with 90210 Kelly Taylor “I choose me” vibes ✨