The Bachelorette S8 E7: Prague Is The Perfect Place To Fall In Love, Everybody!
Last night Emily and her Rose Buds descended on Prague in Czechoslovakia. Which makes me hate them all, because Prague is pretty much the city I want to go to above all other cities (I am available for hire, any corporate travel sponsors who might want a kicky blogger to visit towns for them and write non-boring reviews).
But enough about me. This is the week before the Hometown Dates, where all the guys bring Emily to their…(wait for it….) hometowns. So there’s obviously a lot of pressure to build more of a connection with Emily so they can take her to their hometowns and show her a super boring time over wine and hotdish with their parents. And there’s also a twist – roses are no longer up for grabs on dates except for what will be the very last group date of this particular journey. So even if you have a one-on-one and it goes well, you could still going home.
That makes things so unPraguedicatable!
Czech out what happens!
Rub The Dog For Loyalty, Rub It Twice If You’re Nasty
First up, Arie gets picked for a one-on-one date with Emily. Their date consists of them wandering around Prague, which sometimes looks awesome when the camera is concentrating on Emily’s silver lacy shorts and knee-high brown boots, and sometimes looks horrible when the camera is concentrating on her 80’s style button-up blouse and suit jacket. True to form, Emily once again finds a historical landmark where you have to do something to ensure true love and stuff. Except this one is different, you guys – it’s not just about love this time. It’s about loyalty.
You see, everyone, Emily knows something that Arie doesn’t. She knows that seven years ago, Arie had a very brief relationship with producer Cassie, whom Emily has developed a strong friendship with since the beginning of filming.
This is Cassie.
Cassie didn’t tell Emily about the relationship because she didn’t want to influence Emily’s feelings towards Arie. Emily is upset because her friendship with Cassie has come up when she’s been talking to Arie, and Arie has failed to spill all the beans about the fact that they dated SEVEN YEARS AGO. So obviously he’s hiding something.
And for the record, according to both Emily and Cassie, this isn’t a production thing, this is a real-life thing.
So of course, instead of just asking Arie about it, Emily engages him in a leading conversation about being open and trust-worthy and loyal and not having any secrets with each other. Arie confesses that he used to have a tattoo of an ex-girlfriend’s name on his body, but obviously doesn’t get what else Emily wants him to say. Which is crazy, because leading someone into saying something specific so you can catch them in a deception always works, right?
So then we break for a commercial, and come back to see Chris Harrison standing in front of the Bachelor Pad, spilling the beans that Emily, Arie, and Cassie had a very honest conversation about the issue. Unfortunately this conversation took place off-camera, but fortunately, Arie told Emily that his relationship with Cassie was so brief that talking about it didn’t even cross his mind. Luckily for us, Emily understood, and we were taken to a romantic evening spot along the river where Emily and Arie talked about a bunch of stuff and then kissed a bunch more.
Meanwhile, back at the luxurious-hotel-suite-that-the-boys-are-locked-into/staying: Lumpy Space Princess Chris announces that since he hasn’t had a one-on-one since Charlotte, he’s going a little crazy. That’s right, Chris, you haven’t had a one-on-one date since Charlotte, yet you were bold enough to tell Emily last week that you were falling in love with her, so the fact that you’re admitting that you’re going crazy is not a surprise to anyone.
But sad tromboner, Chris, it’s John “Wolf” Man (I don’t know his last name. And also don’t care) who gets the next one-on-one date. Chris is livid, but he doesn’t show it! Because that would be crazy.
You know what else is crazy? Arie and Emily sitting on top of a riverboat, Arie telling Emily that he’s falling in love with her, the two of them kissing and then fireworks going off. But that’s just a typical date, though, right?
A Wolf Man In Prague
John “Wolf” Man mystifies me sometimes. In the beginning, he seemed like that quiet, mysterious type. But then he showed up for his date with Emily and wore an awful outfit:
And then I realized that he’s just kind of hard-shelled and boring. Like the kind of guy who will never dance at a wedding. Or laugh at a barbeque. And although Emily likes John the more time she spends with him, she feels that he won’t really be open to fall in love or relax enough to let it happen.
But good news! Emily and John visit a wall of locks that represent eternal love. Lovers write their messages on their locks and lock them onto a fence and it represents their love for each other. Like, come on. Emily and John also can’t get their locks to lock, so obviously that means they’re not meant to be. We should all base our relationships on weirdo superstitious historical markers!
And then they have dinner in a dungeon, which is also super conductive to love. And then we hear a really uncomfortable story about John getting cheated on and dumped. Which Emily doesn’t take as a bad thing, but as a sign that the reason why John has such a hard shell is because he’s had his heart broken. Which I get, but still…I don’t know about this guy, dudes. He seems like the type who either needs an extended tropical vacation or he’s going to develop a serious coke habit, stat.
And then it’s back to more whining from Chris about one-on-one dates! Chris gets picked for a group date, along with Sean and Doug, and Jef With One F gets the one-on-one. John comes back and tells the boys that his date went really well, which makes Chris upset and propels Sean to go find Emily. Which also leads to a hilarious string of scenes that have Sean running down city streets, yelling Emily’s name. “Emilaaaaay! Emilaaaaay!”
He finds her on a side-street as she’s walking back to her hotel. Emily is delighted with the surprise, and they go to a little restaurant around the corner, and it’s actually all kinds of super romantic and adorable. AND THEN THERE IS SOME SUPER HEATED MAKING OUT IN AN ALLY. It was only about a five second shot, but it was probably sexiest scene we’ve seen yet.
Sean is really, really good in bed, I bet.
The Last Group Date
Sean, Doug, and Chris join Emily for the last group date. Chris is pissed, of course, that he’s on a group date, while Sean is fondly remembering his secret evening with Emily last night. Doug, for his part, is characteristically upbeat about the date and the fact that they get to explore an old castle (I am going to ignore the part where he makes it about his son again, just because I was so impressed with his great attitude in comparison to Chris’ stupid whining). Emily is also impressed with him, but just doesn’t know if they have the right kind of chemistry (they don’t).
And then it moves towards disaster.
Emily and Doug go off for some one-on-one time, and it’s awkward and weird. Doug will NOT make a move, and Emily starts to realize that while she likes a slow mover, this is just ridiculous. So she walks him out (in the rain, no less), and explains to him that while she understands being a slow mover, the fact that he hasn’t made a move yet –
And this is where he leans down and gives her a peck on her lips. It’s so gross and weird and ill-timed, you guys. And the fact that he waits all this time to do it, and then does it while he’s actually being dumped…oh my god. It was so…ugh.
So she dumps him, and you can tell that it totally breaks his heart, and as much as Doug bugs me on the whole, I feel awful for him. AWFUL! Poor guy. He was so excited to be on that date, even though it was a group date, and before you know it, he’s in the Lonely Hearts Club Van.
But then I think about how cheesy he is and the fact that he’s a charity director and that he talks about his son all the time and I know he’ll be just fine. There’s probably a hundred dumb girls right this minute who are buying tickets for a flight to his hometown so they can stalk him.
Evening time, and because Emily sent Doug home, she’s now back in that weird 2-on-1 position with Chris and Sean. Chris makes the best of it and thinks of her comfort first by commenting on how awkward it is, while Sean sits back and says the same thing but in the most complimentary way possible (“I think we both just want to spend more time with you.”) Chris is not intimidated by Sean at all, even though Sean doesn’t have a disgustingly weird mustache shadow on his upper lip, or whines like a baby about not getting one-on-one time with Emily, or has no delusions of grandeur about being the best man here.
And then Chris pulls the tactic that NEVER works for ANYONE in the history of the Bachelor franchise, unless you’re already a master at manipulation (aka, Courtney): He gives Emily a guilt trip about not giving him a one-on-one date and making him wait for one since Charlotte. Emily tries to make him feel better, and gently leads him to the bright side by saying that a 2-on-1 is the next best thing. Chris gets all rude-faced with “Um, I don’t know…it’s pretty weird.” Beat of silence. “But you know, I’m not going to dwell on it.” NOPE, NOT GOING TO DWELL ON IT, JUST LIKE YOU HAVEN’T BEEN DWELLING ON IT ALL YESTERDAY AND TODAY. Emily shows poor judgement in telling him that one of the things she loves the best about him is that he always see the best in everything (HAHA!), and then he literally invades her space and lays down one of the grossest kisses ever. It literally makes me angry that a guy like that gets to kiss Emily, because he’s so immature, unqualified, and annoying.
But Emily comes through in the end by giving Sean the rose. Which totally pisses Chris off. He feels insulted by it! I mean, COME ON…lose a rose to SEAN?! The guy who is pretty much the epitome of good home country American boy, who just also happens to be a GREAT kisser, has a PERFECT body, is mentally and physically stronger than anyone else in the house, and who is romantic enough to go out and track down Emily in the middle of the night?! Lose to THAT guy?! Chris can’t believe it! To the point where he privately confesses, “If I don’t get a hometown date, I’d be scared for anyone around me.” So will we. Because he is craaaaazy.
The Dance of The Marionettes
Emily and Jef get accosted on the street by a marionette puppeteer, and are forced into his shop where they are horrified to find that hundreds of people have been turned into marionettes by this horrible, horrible man. Michael Jackson’s in there! Emily and Jef try to save him by shaking his soul out of the marionette, but it doesn’t work. So instead they decide to buy a couple of people/marionettes from the puppeteer in a quest to find someone who can release the souls from the wooden and string prisons. “We’ll come back for you, we promise!” they cry to Michael. “We’ll find someone who can break the spell and we’ll come back for all of you!” They run out of the store with their marionettes, and then Jef daringly runs back inside. Grabbing a child-like marionette off the wall, he runs back outside to Emily. “What if this was Ricki?” he asks, holding up the marionette. “We couldn’t leave her hanging. This was someone else’s Ricki! We have to save her, too.” Emily cries and they run off to the mountains together, to see the Czech Witch who can help them break the spell.
Their quest leads them to an enchanted library with intricate murals on the ceiling. “The spell must be hidden somewhere up there!” Emily announces. “You know what the witch said. We have to act out the spell with the marionettes.”
“But what if it doesn’t work?” Jef cries. “If we choose the wrong one, they’ll be stuck inside the marionettes forever!”
“We have to try!” Emily cries. “We have to at least try!“
Haltingly, they begin to pull the strings of their marionette dolls, chanting as they make the dolls dance. “I am a marionette, I am a dancer. I am a puppet, pull my strings to go faster. I am a person, release my soul, spellcaster!”
The spell breaks! The dolls turn back into people! “Run! Hurry! You must go and save everyone else in the puppet shop!” Emily tells them. The people run out, and Emily and Jef fall to the floor, exhausted but triumphant.
Back in the real world, Lumpy Space Princess Chris decides that he did not handle the situation maturely last night when he did not get a rose. He decides that he wants to show Emily that that’s not really him.
Even though it is really him.
Back at the library, Emily and Jef talk about family. Both Emily meeting his family (who are really private and scattered all over and are obviously Mormon missionaries) and how they both feel about moving in together before marriage (not cool with it, either of them) and kids and other boring stuff like that. And then they literally roll around the library floor while they make out.
No Cocktail Party For You, Rose Buds!
The cocktail party and rose ceremony arrives. Lumpy Space Princess Chris is nervous and freaking out that he wasted valuable time with Emily by being a selfish, self-absorbed prick. Wolf agrees that he did, and smugly confides that he knows it will make Chris feel better if he acts like he has nerves about the ceremony, too. Except that he’s not going to! He feels great about his date with Emily, so he’s gonna stick it to Chris because that’s just way it is, man! He don’t act like he’s sweatin’ for nobody! After all, wolves don’t sweat.
Emily and Chris Harrison have a chat in The Armchairs of Love, and Emily tells Chris that she’s got her mind made up, and doesn’t want to go through a cocktail party this evening. Chris Harrison announces this to the guys, and this, of course, is the worse thing ever for Chris, who really, really, really needs to talk to Emily so he can remind her that he’s one of the best guys for her. And he starts to LITERALLY freak out. He’s outside, he’s crying, he’s flipping his shit. He’s having a breakdown.
A breakdown of the heart.
So anyway! The Rose Ceremony begins. Sean already has a rose from the group date. Jef gets a rose. Arie gets a rose. Chris is crying and shaking. Harrison comes in and announces that it’s the final rose of the night. Long silence, Chris looks like he’s going to have a seizure. Emily looks up, about to announce the name for the final rose, and Chris interrupts to say that he really needs to talk to her. They walk outside, and Chris tells him that he feels like he acted like a boy the other day. He apologizes for being a baby and taking their time together for granted, and that he’s ready to be the man she deserves. The man that Ricki deserves. And he is not ready for this to end yet. He is not ready, Emily! Not ready at all.
We are, though! But unfortunately, we don’t get our wish. Emily and Chris go back to the ceremony, and Emily gives the final rose to Chris instead of Wolf. Chris feels amazing! John feels awful. Emily explains that her other relationships have moved at a faster rate, and that with hometown dates coming up, she just wasn’t ready to take that step with him. John took it like a man…because that’s what a Wolf would do. Take it like a man! Or an animal. Does it matter? He’s gone.
Next week! Hometown dates! Who do you think will have the best hometown experience? Do you think Jef’s parents are really a secret sect of Sister Wives and that’s why they won’t be coming “home” to meet Emily? What if Sean has the best family ever and we all die from American Dream overload? Who do you think will go home? If there are no hot tubs and champagne, can it really be a Bachelor show? Who do you think will get THE MOST IMPORTANT ROSE OF ALL?
So many questions! None of them important.
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It’s basically like Nicholas Sparks-type lost romance mixed with ‘80s movie makeover montages sprinkled with elements of My Best Friend’s Wedding capped off with 90210 Kelly Taylor “I choose me” vibes ✨