Vanderpump Rules Recap, Season 6, Episode 3: Lala's Back, Tom's Got a Cold Sack, and a Jax Piñata Gets a Whack
Welcome back to the dumpster fire that is Vanderpump Rules!
This show is the fucking worst, you guys.
It’s episode 3 of season 6, and in case you just read the recaps instead of actually watching the show:
Lemme catch you up: Schwartz and Sandoval are still opening up TomTom with Lisa and Ken but are being little bitches about it; Katie and Schwartz are still married, much to everyone’s great surprise; Stassi is back with her ex, Patrick, and thinks she has a future career in event planning; Scheana turned her old room into a walk-in closet, redecorated her apartment so that there’s only life-sized canvas photos of herself now, and is dating some dude she claims to have been waiting 10 years for; Ariana got a new haircut but she and Sandoval are in a dry spell; James is in the middle of a gay-friend/vapid-girlfriend love triangle; and Jax totally cheated on Brittany with another SUR server, Faith.
Got it? Great! Also, here’s your friendly annual reminder that I’m not going to spell anyone’s name right because I simply do not give enough fucks about these people to fact-check their names. Kay? Kay!
Let’s get this trash heap on the road!
Once a Lying Stealing Cheating Sociopath, Always a Lying Stealing Cheating Sociopath (But Britney Looooooooves Hiiiiiiiim!)
Our episode opens up with Brittany and Stassi walking into a salon for a lil’ spa day. The receptionists greets them with “Taylor?”, and it actually takes me a moment to catch on that she’s referring to Jax…mostly because I tend to think of Jaxs' full name as just “Jax The Number One Guy In This Group.”
Anyway! So it turns out, it’s Brittany and Jax’s 2-year anniversary, but since she’s recently discovered that Jax decided to slip it to Faith during that two-year tenure, she’s taking Stassi instead. After asking what a NECK WRAP is, Brittany is given Stassi’s moral support in the eloquent and poetic form of “Yo, I get it.” After all, Stassi DOES get it, since Jax cheated on her so much that he not only allegedly got a girl in Vegas pregnant, but he also managed to have sexual relations with possibly the most insane girl in LA: Stassi’s then-best-friend, Kristen.
Because that’s what you do when you don’t get caught! You just keep upping the stakes, taking more and more risks, looking for that original high.
Kind of like cocaine...
Then Brittany confesses to Stassi that she and Jax had sex last night. Mind you, the timing seems to indicate that not only did she have sex with Jax the day she came back to SUR after her “I’m single and I’m gonna ACT like I’m single” (which apparently means taking photos of yourself awkwardly dancing by the pool in an ill-fitting shiny one-piece, but whatever), but the night before this spa day, making this the second time - that we know of - that she and Jax had sex AFTER she found out he cheated on her.
In the famous words of Stassi, “I mean. I can’t.”
Three Idiots Walk Into a Bar
Next it’s time to check in with the boys, so we get to see Jax, Sandoval, and James walk into a bar. Sandoval throws out his Douche Club Member card by telling the bartender that he’s resting on his recommendations, and is looking for something “summery." Isn’t this, like, the biggest pet peeve of any bartender in the world? “I want something…fruity. Summery, maybe.” Someone recommends a cider (which Sandoval does NOT have by the way, because we see him being handed a Porter instead…WAY TO WASTE EVERYONE’S TIME, TOM) and then we finally get to watch these brainiacs talk about Jax’s anniversary. Jax once again betrays Brittany’s confidence (he literally says, “I shouldn’t be telling you guys this, she wouldn’t want me to share this, but-“ THEN DON'T TELL THEM, JAX) by telling them that he and Britney hate-fucked last night. James announces triumphantly that this is a real thing, and literally everyone in the world is like, “Yeah, we know, that's why there's a legit term for it...?"
THEN, Sandoval confesses that he and Ariana haven’t had sex “in, like, two months.” James ruminates on what his future is going to be like if Jax is 38 and cheating on his girlfriend and Sandoval is around 30 and hasn’t had sex for two months. “Sounds like a bloody nightmare!” It does, James. It does, indeed.
Also, side note: when did James become likeable? Is it because he now has a gay best friend named Logan who’s obviously in love with him? Or is it a result of Trump’s America, where everything that was bad before Trump kind of becomes a-okay now in comparison? Are we going to have to add this to the Mendela Effect?!
And THEN, Sandoval tells us that he’s starting to feel like a creepy old man. “I just wanna…I just wanna smell her, you know? I wanna watch her face while she orgasms.”
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I’M SITTING HERE, TRYING TO EAT A PIECE OF PIZZA, WHICH I WAITED 45 FUCKING MINUTES FOR BECAUSE IT’S A GINO’S EAST DEEP DISH AND IT’S WORTH IT, AND YOU’RE FUCKING TALKING ABOUT WATCHING ARIANA’S FACE AS SHE ORGASMS?! HAVE SOME GODDAMN RESPECT FOR YOUR AUDIENCE, TOM! NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT YOU OR ANYONE ELSE’S ORGASMS ON THIS SHOW!
*throws pizza down in disgust*
Aw, Man, Here’s, Like, Some Flowers, Guys, and a Balloon
While the greatest male minds in America are sitting in a bar and ruminating on their shallow relationships, the other Rhodes Scholar of the group, T. Schwartz, shows up at PUMP to deliver “I’m sorry” flowers and a balloon to Lisa and Ken. He’s trying to apologize to them in an effort to make up for Tom “I’ve got $100,000 dollars” Sandoval’s shitty behavior during their future-TomTom-space visit, but Lisa is not delighted at the gesture. Ken, for his part, just sits there and stares off into space while visions of mini ponies and large heaving bosoms dance in his head. “Just showing up with balloons and a puppy dog expression isn’t going to change anything,” Lisa tells us, which is funny, because it’s literally worked for Schwartzy his whole entire life.
Ken comes out of his coma and pipes in that no one gave him an opportunity like the one they’re giving the Toms. And I kind of want to bust in ther and tell him yeah, and that should clue him in on the fact that giving it to two of the dumbest and most helpless men in America is probably not a great idea, then. Schwartzy tells them that he and Tom are appreciative and that he knows he needs to drop the cutesy act, and Lisa sighs the way I do whenever I think about any of these people.
Stassi Is a Rape Apologist and a #MeToo Victim Shamer But Right Now Let’s Talk About Her Budding Career As a Party-Planner!
Later, Stassi shows up at SUR to basically learn event-planning from Lisa. I loathe Stassi with the fire of a thousand suns, but her apartment doesn’t look totally horrid (especially compared to the rest of these dopes), and so if this is a viable career path where she can just order flowers and arrange stuff on tables instead of victimizing others by publicly expressing her ignorant and harmful views on current issues, then I fully support it!
It is hilarious, though, that when we see a flashback of the GM telling Scheana that Stassi is coming to SUR to help plan an event, Scheana cattily mumbles, “Stassi has never planned an event in her life, but okay.” Scheana is also worried that Stassi is going to boss her and the other staff around, which is a valid concern, being that she literally tried to that for the whole first season of this show. It’s specially telling when Stassi admits to us that being an event planner isn’t her dream, but being a boss - like Lisa Vanderpump - is. Apparently, one of the criteria for being a “boss” is knowing how to do “awesome things…like throwing parties.”
And people still really wonder, after six seasons of this show, why these people are still servers at SUR and aren’t rich yet? Really?
However, instead of being annoyed by Scheana’s comment to the GM, Stassi is delighted, because to her, it means that it bothers Scheana that “I’m, like, up here right now and she’s, like, down there.”
Lisa tells us that it would be wonderful to see Stassi mature as much as the business has, but she supposes she can’t wish for everything.
Pretty sure with these people, Lisa, you can’t wish for anything!
Tom's Great Idea
Then we get to go to Katie and Schwartzy’s dumpy apartment (seriously, WTF is that art over the couch?!). Katie tells Schwartz that she’s throwing a party for Brittany so all the girls can rally around her and show her that she shouldn’t be scared of starting over and dumping Jax’s ass. Katie has BIG plans for this party, including a “shot gun thing, that you use to shoot the liquor stuff into the mouth”. STAND BACK, STASSI: It’s KATIE who should be planning the parties, amirite guyyysss?
Sandoval shows up, and when he whips off his sunglasses and says, “Did someone call a business partner?” my eyes roll back so far into the back of my head that I give myself an aneurysm. Like, can someone please just take Sandoval aside and tell him that he’s not funny, he’s never been funny, he’s never going to be funny? Because unlike Britney Spears, that would be my greatest Christmas wish this year. Literally the only time Sandoval has EVER been laugh-out funny was when he was in drag for Schwartz’s Bachelor Party, and it's telling that the hilarity was completely unintentional.
Like the savvy businessman that he is, Sandoval jumps right into announcing that he’s found this amazing, world-changing discovery: A machine that can freeze any drink - even an 80 proof one! - which can then be served up on a wooden spoon. Schwartzy, in a rare moment of intelligence, tells The Sand-man that he’s getting way ahead of himself, that Lisa and Ken don’t even know if they want to do this with them anymore because of all of Tom’s dumb ideas.
Sandoval then compares the possibility of losing TomTom to that one person in everyone’s lives who got away, which was such a stunning and poetic metaphor that I teared up a lil’. Schwartz tells him that they should just vent to each other, instead of complaining to Lisa and Ken, which is an astounding and groundbreaking idea. Talking about Lisa and Ken, Katie announces that Schwartz “can bring, like, the quirk, and Sandoval can bring the flair, and they can bring the class.” After I go out and throw myself into the frozen watery depths of Lake Harriet so I can wake my brain back up, I shuffle back just in time to hear Sandoval state “Smart is dumb, and dumb is smart.” Meaning that he’s going to pretend that he’s dumb in order to do the smart thing, and since Schwartz is already great at acting dumb, he’ll be the smart one of the two.
Has anyone seen my will to live? I think I lost it somewhere around here…
Relationships Are a Lot Like Riding a Horse In That Jax Constantly Shits Everywhere
Ariana’s at the horse thing with her horse when Brittany shows up. Ariana, if you don’t know, started riding horses when she was 6. She used to ride competitively, and then she took some time off, and now she’s riding seriously again. Fascinating. She comes up to the horse thing about 4 days a week, it’s her favorite place, Tom and her are going through a weird point right now, so being able to go out to the barn and ride is always something that centers her and then she tries to carry it back to their relationship, blah blah blah.
Today, though, she’s going to ride a different horse she’s never ridden before and then she’s also going to show that horse this weekend. Cue dramatic music for a plot twist literally no one cares about.
She’s riding Walter, whom she’s heard REALLY good things about (is this a horse or a Tinder date?). So she jumps, she trots, she gallops on Walter, and then Walter gets spooked and starts acting crazy, so Ariana drops off the side of the horse and onto the ground.
“You gonna be okay to get back-?” Brittany asks, after a dusty and breathless Ariana walks back over to her.
“I gotta get back on, right?” Ariana replies.
“I know, I know, that’s why there’s that saying…”
Oh my god, you guys. It’s like my brain cells are literally dying right before my eyes.
So yeah. Ariana bailed on the horse, but yeah, accordingly to her, she’s gonna get back on.
Anyone suspect this is supposed to serve as a parallel to their relationships?
Hope so, because they literally could not lay it on any thicker!
Hey Guys, Remember when DJ James Referred To Himself As "The White Kanye West"?
Lisa’s at her dog shop when James and his girlfriend Raquel walk in. Raquel blinked her way into our hearts during the last episode when, whilst propositioning Vanderpump for a job, Lisa asked her what she did and she was like, *blink* *blink* “What do you mean?”
“Like, what do you do for a job?”
Raquel looked at James as if to say, “Oh my god, is it not, like, totally obvious?” and then replied with, “Oh. I’m a model.”
So Lisa, being the queen that she is, offered Raquel a volunteer position at the dog shop instead of a job, where Raquel will be picking up dog poo. For FREE! It was such a deft power move that I literally added it to my vision board: “By December 19th, 2037, I will be so smart and powerful that I will make a dumb model pick up dog poo on TV for free, just because I can. And so it is.”
So Raquel starts to literally pick up poop whilst James and Lisa sit and talk about his “Turnt Up Tuesdays”, a new night of DJ’ing that he’ll be promoting at SUR as his second (third? Seventh?) chance at being a real pro’fesh’ional DeeeJaaay, yeah? Even the darling teacup puppy James is holding can’t help but roll its eyes when James promises Lisa that it’s “going to be sexy, it’s going to successful.” Lisa’s so unconvinced that she demands he hand over the puppy to her immediately.
The Curious Incident of the Man-Bun At the Horse Thing
Then it’s time for Ariana’s horse-jumping competition (is that what it’s called?)! Ariana’s man-bun-sporting brother, whom I will not bother to learn the name of, and Sandoval arrive at the horse place, where they proceed to stand around and talk about Ariana and Tom’s sex life, which is a totally, totally normal thing to talk about to your girlfriend’s younger brother. Sandoval makes some comment about how Ariana told him she’d kill him if he ever cheated on her, but, like, “if you don’t have sex with me, for, like, a year, you can’t be that mad at me”, Tom rationalizes. Actually, she can! And then, of course, this gets them talking about Jax, and how there has to be some reason behind him cheating on Britney. Um, maybe because he’s a sociopathic narcissist who will literally stick his dick into any semi-warm and cooperative vagina? Pretty sure that’s the reason.
After a boring minute where we had to watch Ariana ride a horse, it’s announced that she won the blue ribbon. Sandoval and Man-Bun yell their version of “good job” from the stands, even though it’s obvious to my 80 yr old grandmother who doesn’t even watch this show that Ariana can’t even hear them from there. Then Sandoval talks a bunch about how happy Ariana is on a horse and how that makes him horny, and then he makes a joke about that song, “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy…or in my case, a bartender.”
Maybe if you just didn’t talk, Sandoval. Maybe if you just stopped telling terrible, terrible jokes, maybe then Ariana would want to fuck you more often. Just a thought.
It’s a Pajama Party, Y’all!
Brittany is getting ready for the “pajama party” that the girls are throwing for her, which apparently to Brittany, means a lacy robe and a tiny silky negligee. Her and Jax sit down and talk about the party, and Jax gets up on his imaginary high horse about how their relationship is between them and she doesn’t need to listen to everyone else when it comes to their problems. “Friends don’t do shit like this," he tells us. "Friends don’t get all up in her ear and go “blah blah blah”. Like, you people all just need to leave her alone and get a f*cking life.”
Wait…you’re lecturing your friends on appropriate behavior?! In the words of Sandoval: Are you f*cking serious, BRO?
And then he makes a charming assertion in his Talking Head interview that he’s not manipulating Brittany, because what does he get out of doing that? A girlfriend? Those are a dime a dozen!
Can we all just agree right now that when the Apocalypse happens, that Jax gets eaten first? Like, first we’ll use him to build us all shelter, of course, but then we eat him before anyone else, okay?
Brittany, for her part, wants to be sure that she’s not going to hear anything else about Jax. If she’s going to work on this with him, she tells him, then she wants to make sure that this is it, so she doesn’t end up looking like a fool again (again? Try for the 500th time). Jax gets defensive, which means YES, there is definitely more stuff that he’s not telling her, but Brittany, of course, takes him at his word.
I mean. They kind of deserve each other, no?
Taking The Jax Piñata To Pound Town
Stassi and Kristen are hard at work making all of Brittany’s favorite foods, which includes a Subway sandwich, some chips, and her Mee-Maw's beer cheese soup. Katie shows up with a Piñata with Jax’s face attached to the front of it, which is, according to Kristen, filled with the “good goods” (a.k.a., mini tequila bottles). You know what my second Christmas wish would be? That Kristen would be banned from inserting any black colloquialisms into her regular, daily vernacular. Any time she says something like “turnt” or “rachet” in a totally unironic way, I wanna take a blunt object and crack her open with it.
Katie brings out the “shot gun” (geddit?) and dares Kristen to do it. Kristen warns Katie that she doesn’t give good head. “I mean I give good head, but I don’t give good head.” What? WHY.
The boys show up at some bar owned by some dude who used to work for Lisa, which apparently is really inspirational to Tom Sandoval. They talk briefly about the party going on at Stassi’s, where all the girls have set aside their differences for the good of Brittany. Speaking of, we go back to the party, where spiked chocolate milk shots are being poured as Ariana and Scheana arrive. Stassi brags that it’s not ideal to have Ariana in her living space, but she’s being the bigger person for Brittany, and that, surprisingly, "it feels good!"
Brittany samples the beer cheese soup Kristen made, pretends to like it, and then tells us that nothing compares to what her Mee-Maw makes. I’m sorry, guys…I try to respect other people’s cultures, but I cannot respect anyone who calls their grandmother a Mee-Maw or a Ma-Maw or May-Maw. Same for grandfather - if you call him your Pee-Paw or Paw-Paw or Pay-Paw, I’m going to automatically assume that the farthest you got in school was the 8th grade and that you voted for Trump.
Meanwhile, back at the These Are The Men Who Make Me Fear For The Future of The Human Race table, (except for Peter - looooove Peter!) the boys toast and tip one back and then talk about the shit-storm awaiting Jax later. Schwartz runs it down on how the girls have established “the ultimate "Fuck Jax Espionage Team": Kristen can hack into any guy’s stuff (she literally can - I heard her talking about it on a podcast once and that girl’s tricks at scoring intel made my mouth literally drop open in both shock and begrudging respect); Stassi can spot all of Jax’s facial ticks and tells when he’s lying; and Katie is a seasoned, grizzled interrogator.
To illustrate this point, we get to see the girls let Brittany loose on the piñata. Like everything with Brittany, there's a dramatic build-up and a failed, disappointing conclusion. But someone does finally manage to smash it hard enough to make the tequila bottles spill out, which shuts Scheana up for a while, at least. #Blessed
Back at the bar, James announces Turnt Up Tuesdays to the boys and asks them if they’ll come, and they’re all like, “of course!” James notes that it’s crazy how much can change in a year, which then rewards us with a montage of his finest fighting moments:
Which I happened to enjoy very much, even if Lisa Vanderpump didn’t.
But anyway, back to the ladies: Kristen announces that the “Witches of WeHo” are going to do a spell, because of course they are. Katie tells us that they’re going to put the spell of a scorned lover on Jax, and that they’re like “the Sanderson sisters from Hocus Pocus, only prettier.”
Um. Excuse me. YOU’RE prettier than Sarah Jessica Parker, Bette Midler, and Kathy Najimy?
As a good Christian woman, you guys should know that Brittany would normally not dabble in black magic, but after what Jax did to her, she thinks even Jesus himself would make that exception.
Pretty sure he wouldn’t, but okay.
Katie instructs Brittany to puncture a lemon as deep as she can while Kristen yells “Yaaaaas!” and proclaims that she can already feel Brittany’s hurt going away. Ariana wonders how they’re going to confirm that the lemon is decomposing (it’s a part of the spell) and Stassi makes a joke about how Ariana’s hinting that she wants to come back to Stassi’s apartment and hang out with her. Ariana’s, like, ‘No, bitch, don’t like you, bitch” and Stassi’s like, “I think Ariana really likes me, I think this has all just been a big game to win me over and we’re on the fast-track to friendship." Scheana asks if they can all just kiss and make up, and the girls agree. Ariana asks Scheana why she’s so corny all the time, and I'm pretty sure all of America would like to know the answer to this, too.
You Make Me Wanna Lala
Lisa shows up at SUR and asks for a glass of rosé, announcing that she’s got a meeting in VIP. Who could be meeting her at this hour?! Oh, it’s LALA’R!
Lala asks if Lisa expected to hear from her, and Lisa replies that she had hoped she would. Lala asks if she expected that Lala would come begging for her job back, and Lisa’s like, “Actually yes, not quite sure if you’re aware, but that’s rather the entire plot of this show.”
Lisa asks Lala why she wants to come back when she clearly doesn’t need the money, and Lala admits that she does have a man who provides her with really amazing things, but her man is not an ATM (I have a feeling her “man” has had this conversation with her before) and she needs to make her own money. Lisa calls her on the fact that whenever things got rough, Lala got runnin’. Then she called Lala out on not being honest about the man she was with, and Lala FINALLY admits that, yes, she lied the whole time about her boyfriend not being married.
Which, I gotta say…I kind of totally hate that Lala is admitting that she lied. Is it wrong to lie? Yes. Is it wrong to date a married man? Hell YES. However, the fake moral superiority of Katie, Kristen, Stassi, and Scheana when it came to fighting with Lala was so fucking insufferable, and while Lala isn’t my favorite person, I loved that she went toe-to-toe with them and didn’t back down, even if she was lying through her teeth. And now they’re gonna think that they’ve got her, and I honestly just don't want any wins for them.
But anyway: I’ve actually never seen Lisa be so happy to give someone another chance. Like, she was actually beaming. And me, too, I guess! We need some Lala up in this joint. Even it’s only to annoy the shit out of Katie, which admittedly gives me unparalleled joy.
A Chastity Cock Ring Will Not Undo The Damage That Has Been Done
But back to the brainiacs at the bar! The guys give Jax a locking chastity cock ring to help prevent him from engaging in any other cheating behaviors, and this scene is really only notable for the fact that it gives Jax another chance to brag about how big his dick is.
Back at the party, the girls are talking to Brittany about what she wants to do about Jax, and Ariana asks Brittany if Jax told her that his toe-sucking sesh with Faith was only a one-time thing. Brittany’s like, “Yeah, totally, and of course I totally believe him because obviously he would only cheat once and not a hundred times like he’s done to literally every girl who came before me.” So Ariana’s like, “Yeah, so, it wasn’t just the one time, and I’m absolutely sure of it.” Ariana tells her that she figured that he was telling her it was one time thing, and Kristen pops in and says, “That’s because if he admits to once, then that’s okay and then he’s forgiven for it.”
“Right,” Ariana continues, “And then he does the thing where he’s like “Well come on, like once, twice, five times, ten times, what’s the difference?”
So Scheana suggests that they call Jax, and Brittany puts him on speakerphone. Jax answers the phone, and Brittany immediately asks him how many times he cheated on her with Faith. Jax tells her just once, he swears on his life (like, are we finally all done believing him when Jax tries to swear on his life?).
Brittany swears she has proof, so Jax leaves and goes outside to talk to her. Brittany lies that Faith is at the party, and Jax gets really upset that Brittany is setting him up. Brittany admits that Faith isn’t there, but still demands the truth, and Jax literally says, “What does it matter if I did it two or three times?”
This fuckin’ guy.
Brittany tells him that he’s fuckin’ disgustin’ and she haaates hiiiim, and he’s like, “One time or ten times, it doesn’t make a difference!” Except that it does, and she says that it changes everything and she’s done. Jax LOSES it and hollers at her that he said he didn’t do it. “SHUT UP! I SAID I DIDN’T DO IT!” he screams, as he rushes down the sidewalk. “Will you stop? WILL YOU STOP?!”
Brittany tells him that “this” proves to her that he’s not changing a damn thing and that they’re done (spoiler alert: They're not done). She hangs up, he goes back inside and tells the boys that Brittany says he cheated more than once. He continues to claim that she’s wrong, that it was only that one time. Sandoval tells him that he believes him, but that if he did cheat more than once, he needs to tell Brittany. Ariana calls Sandoval and tells him that Jax is not allowed at Jax and Brittany’s apartment that night, that all the girls are going over there with Brittany, and that if Jax tries to come home, it’s going to be “intense.”
And that’s it! Next week, we get to see the Toms attempt to negotiate with the non-negotiable Lisa, Kristina Kelly basically tells Stassi that she’s probably going to fail at her first party planning event, Lala tells Ariana and Scheana that Schwartz probably cheated on Katie after they were married, and our favorite #PumpRules character, the back alley of SUR, finally makes a season 6 appearance for what looks like a confrontation between Katie and Schwartz!
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