✨Keep me in your thoughts always✨
(Mostly just because I love the attention 😘)
I was supposed to be flying to Kenya today, a destination I’ve been dreaming about almost my whole life (Twin Bluff’ers…remember how our 6th grade teacher went to Kenya and taught us a bunch of Swahili?) and an adventure I’d been planning for over a year. I had to officially duck out of the trip two weeks ago because my dog, pretty baby Ainsley, is currently going through some scary health stuff. It’s been a major bummer, but her last vet visit on Thursday only confirmed that canceling was the right thing to do.
The ironic thing is that, if the 2027 Ireland trip I talked about in my last post happens on the same dates that the original trip took place - and that’s fairly realistic, since it’s an anniversary trip - then today, we’re officially 2.5 years out.
Which is also why, instead of going to Kenya, I’m soft launching two big projects today…both of which honestly feel as equally life-changing as my long-dreamt-of safari.
Do I have everything prepared and ready to launch? I do not!! Not even close. Honestly, the word “launch” is kind of arbitrary here: It’s more that I mentally and publicly just need to officially declare these things as started, even if I’m starting messy and continually figuring out the details as we go along. Like I mentioned last week, I have a habit of moving the goal posts on myself, and I know if I let myself plan until it feels perfect, I’ll just end up talking myself out of doing it altogether.
I’m also going to do something a little differently with the starting. Usually, I love a good long saga, a multi-part post series where I take you through my thought process and the order in which allll the details occurred. But I also hate those long multi-part posts, because I can always tell that what I’m really trying to do is race us to the end, to the “TAH-DAAAAH” jazz hands moment when I can finally reveal the whole fuckin’ point of that saga.
So instead, let’s just skip to the end, and I can fill you in on the details later if you want ‘em.
This year, a ton of my long-held goals and dreams changed. I don’t know if it’s because I’m “ascending” or whatever, but it’s actually been sort of unnerving. I don’t want to do the EBC Trek anymore. I don’t want to move to LA anymore. When I went to the Kauai Writer’s Conference and got a full manuscript request from an agent I love and respect, the thing that I was afraid would happen happened, in that once I was able to prove to myself that I could land an agent and a book deal if I really wanted to, that knowing was enough for me to admit that maybe I didn’t actually really want it. Or at least not yet.
It felt like how the New York Times Bestseller’s List has always felt…for years I tried to convince myself that making the list was my biggest dream, that if I saw my name on that list I would break out into floods of happy tears. Then one day I got brutally honest with myself and admitted that I actually don’t give a shit about the NYT BS List (I like to call it that because it’s actually been proven to be a total racket): It’s just something that every writer is supposed to dream about. That we’re told to dream about.
Traditional publishing feels a little like that for me, too - authors are supposed to want the great agent, the Big 5 publishing deal, the spring book launch. But I don’t know if I actually really care about that stuff.
A few months ago, when I was working on my new authentic code per TBM’s The Pathway and listening to Reality Transurfing on audiobook, I started to do a fearless inventory of things I actually wanted for me versus the things I wanted because of how I wanted people to think of me. This was actually so tough, because I had to force myself to admit that there were a lot of things I was subconsciously trying to do or attain in the hopes of becoming or appearing more impressive. I want a traditional publishing deal so that the idiots I meet at parties who actually don’t know anything about the book industry will still take me seriously a writer when they ask me who published my book or where they can buy it. I want to make the NYT BS List so that people from high school will see me as a successful and impressive person. I want to be a world famous writer so that I can win the contest of Who Ended Up Better when it comes to the exes who broke my heart and also so that they can never get away from my face or name for the rest of their lives.
But when I get rilly rill with myself about what I would still want even if no one else saw or knew that I had it, I actually don’t care about that stuff. My big dream is to tell all of my stories - both the life experiences I’ve been given and the stories + characters that I’ve made up in my head (and maybe they’re the same things! Hashtag we live in a simulation). I want to make them real, whether that’s through books, movies, TV, and/or the immersive experiences I dream of packaging my stories with (soundtracks, candles, fun merch that makes it feel like you’re stepping into another world). The only reasons why I would pursue a traditional publishing deal is because A. it’s a much easier avenue through which to sell the TV and film rights and create immersive merch, and B. self-publishing can be tedious and expensive and often comes with SO much admin, all of which traditional publishing largely takes off your shoulders.
After the high of Kauai, though, I was like, “I’m gonna put everything in my life on hold so I can dedicate all of my time and energy towards finishing this manuscript and getting it off to that agent and then all of my Famous Writer dreams are gonna come true and everyone who ever doubted me is gonna fuckin’ SUCK it.” And that’s what I did, until one night, while lying in bed and feeling exhausted from trying to finish that manuscript, my mind floated to the inevitability of my own death (you know, as your mind does). I’m not afraid of death - I didn’t even want to be here in the first place, according to literally every single medium, astrologer, akashic records reader, palmist, and past-life reader I’ve ever had a session with - but the thing that does keep me up at night is the thought of dying before I’ve done what I feel like I’ve come here to do (but also maybe because my soul is like, “let’s get this shit done so we never have to come back here again!!”). I thought about dedicating my year to finishing this book, then sending it to the agent who requested it, and then if that agent passed, spending the rest of the year querying other agents. Dread bloomed in my belly.
I want to finish this book. There are scenes in it that are so important to me that I’ve literally and earnestly prayed to God to please just give me the time and resources I need to bring them to life. Without any arrogance or ego, this book also contains some of the best writing I’ve ever done. I want it to have a really big life…and if that is gained by being traditionally published, I’ll do whatever it takes to make that happen.
But right now, in this time of my life, I know it’s not the thing that I feel like I most need to do before I die. And I know that sounds dramatic and morbid, but I’m a whole 29 years old plus an additional 17 years on top of that! Time is never guaranteed. Today is the only day I know for sure I’ll be alive.
Instead, I laid there and thought about the really “big” things that have been channeled to me over the years…like that time when a strong, masculine voice delivered a message to me out of thin air:
And this one time, a year or two later, when a female voice spoke to me in a dream with a voice so loud and clear that I immediately woke up and wrote the whole thing down (italics mine):
And then, in 2022, when I had the most scarily-accurate reading with Jackie, the psychic from the Real Housewives of Melbourne, who channeled this for me:
If I want (my life, writing career) I need to start where it began (from birth). It needs to be ABSOLUTE TRUTH. Don’t be afraid of what other people think. Who gives a shit. If you write something and think, “should I say that?” or “Maybe I shouldn’t put that in there”, keep it. You can’t be afraid of fear, you need to tell the whole truth because the only way it’s going to be truly successful is if it can help people around the world who are going through the exact same thing. Stop caring about what other people think. You need to air out ALL the laundry and don’t give a shit about what people say about it being dirty laundry.
Have faith, cut chords of what other people will think. The only way it will be a success is if you are sharing EVERYTHING. The true story is always the right story.
“Should I be putting this in there” - YES
I knew what all of them were talking about: It’s a project that I also started a few years ago and then abandoned because it was inching towards memories and experiences that I wasn’t ready to share yet. And also because I have a really adorable habit of not finishing what I’ve started. And also, also, because it is a massive undertaking…basically my entire life’s work. The work of my life. It’s overwhelming and honestly paralyzing, if I think about it too much.
But when I think about shuffling off of this mortal coil without giving this project my all, it makes me want to weep. So much of my purpose is wrapped up in this, that to think of all the time and energy wasted on other things…even though I literally have a running list of 20 stories my heart yearns to turn into books, if this is the only thing I end up doing with my life, I’ll be satisfied.
So anyway. That’s the first thing, when it comes to what I really want from my life. What I want most from my life.
The project is called True Story: A Historical Account of My Dumb Life. It’s a chronological telling of my silly little life in bite-sized and book-sized pieces, complete with lots of pop culture nostalgia bombs. Think the Betsy-Tacy books, or the Anne of Green Gables series, or Harry Potter if Harry was a girl and not a wizard and also was a real person instead of a character created by a bigoted TERF billionaire who fuckin’ suuux. Aka, the stories and serials and books deepen and grow as the main character (omg it’s finally me!!!) does. It’ll be fun and funny and occasionally not fun or funny but super sad and other times it will be funny and also sad. We can hold two truths! And BOY WILL WE.
It will also wrap in all the other stuff that I’ve done: The Red Wing Wednesdays, The Middle of Nowhere, The An Amber-Colored Life blog/series, The Summer of Magic, All The Things You Never Knew/Certain Things You Ought to Know, The End of The Beginning, etc etc.
I’ll be previewing some of it on this, the main newsletter, and then posting it on my IGand my blog, but it will also primarily live in this section of the Substack (you are not automatically subscribed to this new section, btw, so go and opt in if it sounds like something you’re into!).
True Story will also likely feature some sort of a paid membership community, similar to the Patreon or Discord membership communities of Garbage World, Glamorous Trash, and Fixing Famous People. I don’t know what this looks like yet…my inclination is to keep most of True Story free but also offer bonus content and members-only discourse. I also want to give you really fun stuff…not just event or community stuff, but also actual stuff (cute pressies for signing up/referrals, soundtracks, candles, books, etc). But I do not want to give you that stuff for free? Like I’m not trying to be Mother Theresa here, ladies and sons of ladies! I’m trying to quit my job so I can talk about MomTalk all day, and giving it all away isn’t gonna make that happen!
So I don’t know what it looks like yet. I feel like right now, I just need to start writing it and then figure all that out once I have a better idea of how I want to set it all up.
And if you have any big ideas of things you’d love to see - live zoom movie rewatches of movies like 1989’s Loverboy that you can only find on Ebay (but that I obviously already bought on Ebay for that very reason)? A book club centered around childhood faves like Anne of Green Gables or The Babysitters Club? A walking tour of all my favorite break-up spots in Minneapolis? Drop those ideas and opinions in the comments, babe! 💜
The other project I’m soft launching today is the Ireland 2027: Here We Go Again project that I talked about in the last newsletter. I don’t know what to call this one yet…unless I think of something better, we’ll just call it Makeover Montage for now. Similar to The End of the Beginning and Build Your Big, it’s both the fun “we’ve got a 2.5 year years to achieve our dreams!” motivation montage container, and it’s also the BTS project for True Story.
Listen, we’ll work on the tagline, too, okay?
When I was thinking about the goals I wanted to set for this particular project, two big things immediately sprang to mind. They’re the two big things that I’ve been striving for almost my whole adult life but still haven’t been able to accomplish, no matter how hard I try. Thus, they felt like the perfect marquee goals for this kind of project. If I can’t make those things happen in two and a half years of focused attention, I found myself thinking, then maybe I need to just give up the ghost.
But then that old adage hit my brain: If I want a life that’s totally different, that is full of the things I’ve never been able to achieve before, then I have to do things that I’ve never done before, and do them in the ways I’ve never done them before.
What could I do differently? Well, for starters, I could start taking better care of myself. I could also do the thing I never want to do but deep down know I should do, which is work on re-calibrating my central nervous system. Reduce the cortisol overload that I’ve been carrying around for years, and maybe release some of those stuck emotions and limiting beliefs that subconsciously keep me in the same place, despite all my conscious efforts to the contrary. I could also become a better student when it comes to all the “let’s improve that life, bb!” courses and memberships and books I’ve purchased and only did half-way through, and, much like with True Story, start a habit of finishing what I’ve started.
Then, the next day, I was in the middle of a meditation when this dropped into my body, loud and clear:
Thinking about me and Chris, then Lucas and his now ex-wife, etc
“I don’t pine after people who have broken my heart, and I release my attachment to them”
Idea hit me so powerfully - a version of TEoTB, where I write True Story and then I also write the healings and learnings I gain as I write about each part of my life. Explore + pair different types of healings with each period: When writing about lineage, explore and do ancestral healing. Grandparents/parents, generational healing. Childhood, inner child healing, etc.
FINALLY write the things that for so long I’ve been holding off on letting go of until I could properly write about them. True Story is the chance to write about + share those experiences; this is about healing + letting them go.
Listen, despite all the other woo-woo stuff I’m into, when it comes to actual, tangible goals, this isn’t really my jam. My reflex is to hire a personal trainer and start doing two-a-days. But instead I wanna address my central nervous system?? In this economy?Do generational healing work?! My ancestors can suuuck it. I HATE breathwork, and I also hate yoga. It all feels the same way it felt when I got my very first acupuncture session years ago - like all of this rage and frustration filled my body and I wanted to scream the screams of Westley when he was being tortured by Prince Humperdink in Princess Bride, then yank those fucking needles out and sprint the fuck out of there.
Which that acupuncturist let me know was a lot of old, ancient energy coming to the surface that didn’t want to be released, so in hindsight, that was kind of cool!
But in practice, I HATE it.
Which is also how I know that I probably have to do it, y’know? Lean into what you resist. If you want something different, you have to do something different, blah blah blah.
So, I guess, that’s what we’re gonna do. For the first five months of the 2.5 years of this Makeover Montage project, all I’m going to focus on is taking excellent care of myself and leaning into the types of practices and healing modalities that I’ve been deliberately avoiding or willfully resisting for so long.
And after that, then we’ll start doing two-a-days for two whole years until my muscles are so chiseled they could cut glass into diamonds!
J/K.
(Or maybe not? I can’t change everything about myself!)
There will also be a paid membership component to this project, but just like with True Story, I’m still working that out. I will be sharing a LOT of personal stuff through this project, and so that type of content will be similar to TEoTB in that it will live behind a purposefully prohibitively-priced paywall, so as to create the same kind of small, intimate, trusted community of readers.
But I also really want to create some things that are for a bigger community of peeps, too - I’d like to bring back the co-working sessions from Build Your Big, and I’m playing with doing a monthly live zoom book club thing where we all read a book like The Big Leap and then gather for a fun discush, or I invite a guest speaker/healer to help us all learn about or experience certain modalities like soundbaths, etc, together. In the past ten or so years, I’ve met and worked with and gotten sessions with SO many talented folks who have changed my life and perspective with their gifts, and with this project, I plan on meeting and working with many more. I LOVE to share those people and their gifts with others (unless everyone else starts booking them up so much I can no longer get a session, then I do NOT), and this feels like the perfect avenue to do more of that.
But if you’re thinking that this all sounds like a lot, you are CORRECT, which is why I’m not rolling all of this out right away and am instead (maybe for the first time ever??) purposefully taking the time and space to start building up to this stuff slowly and thoughtfully.
And I also just want to be considerate of your inbox and attention span, which is why you’re not automatically subscribed to either project. You get to choose to opt in if you want it (vs. having to opt out if you don’t), and you’re not gonna get a ton of paid emails that are cut off in the middle as a way to entice you to sign up for the paid content. That shit doesn’t actually convert someone like me - it makes me unsubscribe altogether. Don’t give me email blue balls! If I like your stuff enough, I’ll pay to read more of it without the text tease. Don’t send me half an email and then be all “Um, if you wanna read more…” *tucks hair behind ears and then flounces away* because truth? Unless you’re Ronan Farrow, your lead is NEVER actually juicy enough to make me want to pay non-Monopoly money to read the rest.
While I work out some of the above stuff, though, you can also follow along for free as I begin this journey in real-time on my IG Stories.
But also, if none of this is remotely interesting to you, that’s okay, too! I’ve got the Love is Blind and Secret Lives of Mormon Wives/MomTok recaps a’comin’ (guys. The material I’ve amassed for these recaps. I literally don’t know what I’m going to do with it all); I wanna catch you up on all the stuff that happened during my Hermit Season; and I’m also working to resume The Bachelor/ette recaps at some point. In short, this newsletter will largely continue to serve up the same irreverent - and sometimes completely irrelevant - yaps and recaps. Like us youth group/Bible camp Jesus Freaks of the late ‘90s/early ‘aughties* used to say, we’re gonna keep The Main Thing, The Main Thing.
*Which just so happens to be some of the fun stuff you’ll read about in True Story!
Okay bye!
Amber