Weekly Update: Weeks 1-3 // NOOM

The third and final tool that I was prepped to do for the first three weeks of this project was Noom.

And I struggled a lot with it. At first I liked that it was a tool where I could have a lot of little wins; little metrics like weigh myself every day, track my meals, and drink enough water were easy enough boxes to tick off every day. But I also found myself in a cycle of half-assing it, then proclaiming that I was recommitting and going deeper, and then gradually going to back to half-assing it again. 

Part of the problem was that, beyond giving me small ways to keep promises to myself, I knew that Noom wasn’t really doing anything for me in terms of building my self-worth. Noom really markets the shit out of the fact that there’s a lot of psychology and behavior modification built into the app, and while that’s obviously really helpful, none of that was really going to get to the heart of what I already knew were my deepest issues surrounding my body, which were emotional eating and subconscious weight protection as a coping mechanism for past trauma. 

Basically: The body really DOES keep the score, babies.

For instance, I had quite a big revelation last week that I shared with the Club: There’s a thought exercise that’s often helpful to do when you’re sifting sift through blocks and you need to figure out what might be going down below: You simply imagine yourself waking up the next morning suddenly having that thing you so desperately want, and you ask yourself what you’re afraid of now that you have it. I did this last week, imagining myself waking up tomorrow to discover that all the extra weight had magically dropped off overnight and I was back in my most healthiest body. 

I’ve done this thought experiment before, but the answer was always a little hazy or defiantly stubborn (“Nothing, my life is perfect is now”). But this time, I allowed myself to really breath into it and let go of the rising panic, fear, and gradual mental black-out that always accompanied any deep inquiry surrounding my body. 

What was I afraid of now? The answer was stark and, to my surprise, almost immediate: That I would run right out and start dating again, which would obviously be a disaster because I still couldn’t trust myself to not get tricked into another toxic relationship with yet another waking nightmare of a man. 

I mean. 

If that isn’t the most crystal-clear answer for why I’ve steadily packed on more than 100 pounds since my last relationship ended four years ago…? 

Like. 

FUCK. 

So then what do I do about it? This question has floated around me since that revelation. I’ve been doing some searching, but don’t have what feels like the perfect answer to that yet. However, I DO know that Noom sure as fuck is not the tool that’s gonna help me figure it out.

So for now, I’m going to drop Noom (and will be trying to not think about the hefty membership fee I already paid for it) and start winding my way through the work of Geneen Roth, starting with Breaking Free From Emotional Eating. I’ve skimmed the book before, but it was in one of those phases where I was sort of subconsciously and wildly looking for a quick fix, so I didn’t really digest a lot of it. I like Roth’s work and she’s a favorite of Oprah’s, so I’m hoping that by committing myself to this book the way I’ve committed to Pathway and WSABM, I’ll gain some traction in this historically muddy and painful part of my self-worth. 

So what’s next? 

Right now I’m working on a post that will take us through the metrics I’ll be using in order to measure whether or not any of this work is even, well, working. I’m also working on building in a system of more daily accountability per the IG Stories and updates: As I get further into this work and the metrics mentioned above, there’s going to be certain stuff that I’m going to have to push and challenge myself to do in order to see some growth. Think ‘80s sports training montage, but with a lot more complaining and whining and zero sports! 

So yeah. Three weeks, babies. I don’t know if I’ve been consistent on the daily with anything for three weeks. This is the big time! And yet, I feel like I’ve barely even scratched the surface. 

See you next week! 

Your friend, etc,

AC